


The Achilles Heel

by KingWinston



Series: AAP [2]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:41:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 84,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27386605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingWinston/pseuds/KingWinston
Summary: I miss the days when our paths hadn't crossed. When you were just another person that meant nothing to me. And then I met you and now I can't sleep without dreaming of you, I can't eat because the lump in my throat won’t go away and I can't do anything I used to be able to do with ease without missing you every second of it. And for that I hate you. You ruined my fucking life and I let you.  In other words, I miss you.Sequel to Achilles and Patroclus
Relationships: Montgomery de la Cruz/Winston Williams
Series: AAP [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2000662
Comments: 134
Kudos: 121





	1. Moving On

**Author's Note:**

> i know i said id post it after finishing sowk but i couldnt help myself im sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This story is written in Monty's POV.

_ Nothing is louder than the silence between two people who love each other but pretend they don’t. _

**One**

And it happened again. I promised myself that I’d stay away from him but here he is, he’s in my bed, his head on my shoulder and his blonde hair is tickling my face. For fuck’s sake.

I nudge Alex’s shoulder but he doesn’t move a muscle, he clings onto me tight. “Hey… Get off,” I say quietly and he mumbles something but then turns on his side and faces away from me. Last week was supposed to be the last time but here we are again.

Don’t blame me, we get to talking, he’s a great listener and when I start crying then he’s the one to comfort me. I don’t love him or anything, he’s just a great distraction. And he’s desperate so he doesn’t mind when I moan another man’s name while I’m fucking into him. He just wants to get fucked by me, doesn’t care about the details.

I walk down the steps making sure to avoid the third step because it creaks and then I go into the living room. Remains of last night’s dinner and our clothes are all over the room where it all started. I look for my trousers and then I slip them on without bothering to look for the shirt. Alex’s clothes and underwear are on the floor and I look at them guiltily before entering the kitchen.

When I moved here about six months ago, Alex was the first person I met. He goes to the local college, stays at the dorm because they don’t have that many students so they let their students live in the dorms and the rent increases every year that they spend at college. That’s what Alex says at least.

He told me that he was twenty years old the first time that he kissed me only for me to find out that he was eighteen. He might have been legal but I still felt weird for kissing him. I stayed away from him but then I kept on bumping into him, we became friends and then the therapy sessions started. Somehow we ended up sleeping together.

The fridge is almost empty because I haven’t been outside in a long time so I didn’t get the chance to go shopping. There’s milk and cornflakes though so that’s enough. I pour the milk over the cornflakes and then I put the bowl in the microwave for two minutes.

As I wait, I open the cupboard below the kitchen island. I keep it locked because I don't want anyone going through it, anyone meaning Alex. It's just art supplies and drawings. I take out my recent drawing, the one I did last night before Alex crashed my alone time. 

The guy in the picture is smiling, dark hair and even though there's no colour, I know that the shirt is blue. I frown at the picture, it looks weird. The smile lines around his mouth look wrong and his eyes are too low down. The microwave beeps and I put the drawing back into the cupboard before Alex can creep up on me and see it. 

I'm halfway through my soggy cornflakes when I hear Alex's soft footsteps walking down the stairs. Now this is the awkward part because he tries to stick around and I have to gently let him down without hurting his feelings. 

"Morning," he says and he grins at me. He's only wearing boxers and nothing else and he stands behind me, wraps his arms around my lower back and kisses my bare shoulder. "I used your shampoo, I hope that's okay."

I try to squirm away from him but he's holding on tight. He's pushy, from the moment I met him he tried to force his way into my life and not subtly either. He's always asking questions, always searching around and shit. I don't trust him at all and yet I tell him all of my personal thoughts like he's my therapist.

"Yeah, that's fine," I say and then I finally get out of his grasp. I check if the cupboard is closed because I know Alex would take a peek if he could, he already asked about it a thousand times. 

"Don't you have a class to get to?" I ask him and I go back to the living room to look for a shirt. Can't have any skin exposed when I'm around Alex because he'll find some way to get me to fuck him. 

"Nah, no college today," he says and he grins at me before opening my fridge and seeing that it's empty. "You don't mind if I stay here, right? My roommate is kind of a dick. We should order something to eat." I don't even get a word in when he's around, he just does stuff and I adjust and follow along. 

He disappears for a few minutes and I treasure that precious time alone. The only reason why I moved away from the city was to have peace and quiet in this big house which I live in all by myself. Alex isn't a part of it. 

He comes back wearing my fucking flannel and boxers only and I roll my eyes but don't say anything. He's the only company I have and beggars can't be choosers. He sits opposite me in the big armchair and he does that thing where he's trying to look all grown up and serious but it just makes him look more like a kid. 

"So where did we get to last night?" he asks and I groan. The last thing I wanna do is continue my conversation with him but he made it clear that he's not leaving. "You said… oh, right! That panic attack, Anders found you in the locker room and calmed you down. But you got mad because he wanted to get you some help." Like I said, nosey. He wants to know about every second of my life.

"Can we please not talk about this?" I plead with him and I look at the far wall so I don't have to focus on Alex and how similar his nose is to a person that I'd rather forget. I'm trying to. 

I burned all the letters I wrote to him and I tried to burn his letters too but I couldn't. They were his words, the words that he meant for me and they still had a special meaning to me even if he had written a 'hello'. I couldn't get rid of them. 

But Alex keeps annoying me, telling me that he wants to know more and he won't shut up until I tell him the rest of the story. "So I… I left the apartment, got on some old bus and went to the beach. Smoked some weed until I felt okay and then I came back," I say and Alex looks unsatisfied like this wasn't what he was expecting. Sometimes the truth is more disappointing than reality. 

Alex isn't a soccer fan but he knew who I was when we met. One of the first things he said to me when I met him was that he used to crush on me but he was drunk when he said it and he claims that drunk and sober him are not the same person. 

He really was the first friend I made here. At least I  _ thought _ we were friends but then after two months, Alex tried to sleep with me for the first time. Then another time I was drunk (and I mean completely wasted) so Alex offered to take me home. He was in the middle of giving me a blow job when I realised what was happening. I was so fucking petrified that I just lay there and let him finish the job. That's how it all started. 

Fortunately, the food arriving distracts him and he wants me to keep going with the story and tell him everything up until right this moment but I tell him that I'd rather watch a movie. I don’t have a TV but he brings his laptop with him every time. He lays in my lap, eats his fries and I pretend to watch the movie but I'm a thousand miles away, somewhere on a beach in maybe LA, maybe not where two people are laying on the ground, sharing a joint and talking about a future that will never happen...

***

Somehow I managed to kick Alex out, told him I had some stuff to do but he already knew that was my nice way of shoving him out the door. I tried to draw again but I couldn't really focus because I hate drawing inside. Usually I take my notebook, my pencils and sometimes my paints and I sit on the beach and paint for hours until my hands get sore. Sometimes someone wants me to paint them and I do, I don't charge because what's the point? I've got all my soccer money to keep me going for years and years. I'm getting decent at this, my first attempts kind of looked like stick men but after six months of practice, you get better and better. 

I would go outside to paint but it's November and it’s cold outside. I don’t wanna sit on the beach with my coat and boots. So painting will have to wait for now.

I almost fall asleep on the couch when Anders texts me to remind me that I have 'work' today. It's not soccer, I gave up on soccer a long time ago. We won't the league last year and then the playoffs and it was my best season yet. I did nothing but train day and night and it all paid off, we were unbeatable. Joe and me. 

People started to pay attention to us again. Mostly to me but to Joe too. Portugal wanted me on their squad for the World Cup and I declined and tried my best to worm my way out of it. Joe wouldn't let me, said that was my dream since I started soccer and so I went because I had nothing else to do, it was another thing to take my mind off of  _ him _ . 

Portugal got knocked out in the semifinals and I told Anders that enough was enough but I couldn't retire. I was in my prime, no one was going to let me retire when so many clubs were asking about me. 

So I broke my leg. 

Yeah, that happened. 

I work for Anders now. He's still an agent for soccer stars but he's got his own agency now and he can't concentrate on the athletes as much as he used to. So I help out, I've got my own guy to look after, Justin Foley. He's good, not as good as me but he's good. He's certainly not as needy as me and he's easy to take care of. I thought it would be worse seeing as he’s a juvenile but so far I haven't had to cover up anything illegal. 

I talk to him every two days just to see how he's doing, where his head is at and if he needs anything from me. It's making me realise how much Anders has actually done for me in the past. 

After the call is done and I know that Justin is doing alright again, nothing new, I decide to risk it and go to the beach. It's four in the afternoon so the few people that are there are leaving now because it’s getting colder. This is home for me. Living so close to the beach that I may as well be living on it. 

I walk down the path in my winter boots and then I sit to the side, that's my usual spot. I didn't bring my big sketchbook, only my little notepad that I sometimes draw in if I'm bored and I'm bored almost all the time. There's not much to do here but I like it, I don't have to think too much or do too much, I can just lay in bed and do nothing. 

I start off by drawing the face structure and then some dark hair framing his face. He's got a cute nose, a button nose and I give him plump lips that fit his face. I'm halfway done when I realise that it's the same guy I've drawn on all the other pages in the notepad. Same nose, same facial structure and same smile. I hate it. 

I rip the page out, bury it in the sand and then I notice that I've still got the notebook in my hand. I walk over to the water, swing my arm as hard as I can and the notebook goes flying, engulfed by the water and the drawings are gone just like that. 

***

It was easier to wake up the next day knowing that I wouldn't have to wake up to a morning of Alex and regrets. I’m getting better at getting out of bed. There were days where Anders would be taking care of Leeya while I sat in bed for days on end. The only reason why I’m still alive is that Anders brought me food and water to make sure I wouldn’t starve.

I need to keep myself busy today like I do every day. I didn't go to the post office yesterday because Alex's annoying ass distracted me and then I couldn't be bothered. It's warm outside today and hopefully, he has a class and doesn't have my house keys or I will seriously lose my shit if I find out he made a copy of them again. 

I put on my trainers, jeans, a sweater and then I set off. The post office is about a five-minute walk from my house. Tourists like to send postcards so the post office isn't far away from the beach.

It's only seven in the morning, just past opening time and it’s empty when I walk inside. The owner's kid is at the counter, looking through the views on the postcards like he wishes he was there and not here. 

His name is Charlie and even though he's only fifteen, he's still much taller than I am. He's 'homeschooled' meaning that his dad wants him to work here rather than go to school and focus on his education. Cheaper than hiring employees. 

Charlie reminds me of Leo in the best way possible, if Leo had a kid it would be Charlie. I love the boy, we talk a lot when we can until his dad comes around and tells me to stop distracting his son from serving other customers even if I'm the only 'customer' there. Sometimes I only come here to talk to Charlie. 

"Hey, anything for me?" I ask and he snaps out of it and grins at me. I look at the postcard that he was admiring, Paris and the Eiffel Tower. "Overrated. Really crowded and not as romantic as you'd think."

He rolls his eyes at me, always tells me to stop being pessimistic and look on the bright side of things. "Have you been?" he asks and he turns around and shuffles through the box of letters.

"Once or twice," I say and I tap my fingers against the counter. Went with Leeya because she loves Paris and I hated the whole trip because it was all shopping and sightseeing. "So? Anything?"

He notices the impatient tone and points it out when he stops at an envelope. He should really organise this place more. "Why? Waiting for something?"

"More like hoping," I say and then Charlie hands the letter over to me. It's not handwritten so I immediately feel that pang in my chest again knowing that it's not what I was hoping for. 

"Not what you wanted?" Charlie asks sympathetically and I just shrug. "Don't worry, I'm sure they'll reach out someday." He's sweet, definitely the kindest person I've met around here and I wish we could be friends but he's fifteen and I'm turning twenty-three soon. Definitely weird but he's a good kid, sometimes I feel like his big brother just looking after him when his dad isn't around. 

"I'm not sure they will," I sigh and I stuff my letter into my pocket before I can get even more disappointed by opening it. Probably just bills or some more formalities. "But that's okay," I add and then I walk out of the post office with a last wave to Charlie. 

I don't open the letter when I get home because it can't be that important. I leave it on the table and I go on with my day, the usual of cleaning, cooking with whatever I have and I make a shopping list for tomorrow because I'm too tired to go today. Now, this is when I wish Alex was here because I’d just tell him to go do my shopping for me and he'd do it. He'd beg me to let him do my shopping for me, he's obsessed with me. 

I go to the 'library' at some point which is actually a secret room that Alex doesn't know about. Only I have the key to it. It's a small room under the stairs with a bookcase, a chair and all of my older paintings. They're not great but they're decent, at least that's one thing I'm good at. 

I fall asleep again in the chair, lately all I seem to be doing is sleeping and I think I deserve some rest after all the bullshit I've gone through and my short-lived career. 

One thing good about this place is how secluded it is, the media can't find me here because they wouldn't think I've gone to live in some small two-bedroom cottage in the middle of nowhere. They still have questions about the season, the World Cup and how I broke my leg. I could have gone back after my leg healed but I… I made it seem like my career was over and Anders helped me out, he backed me up and then they finally let it go. 

I'm hungry and I realise that I still haven't done any shopping for fuck's sake. Where's Alex when you need him? There's literally nothing in the fridge so I decide not to eat. I'll eat another time. I have plenty of time left. 

The envelope is on the table where I left it and seeing as I have nothing better to do, I slice the envelope open with my knife and I sigh before taking the card out of it. 

A card, not a formal letter but not a handwritten letter either. I get my hopes up way too fast, it's only from Joe. I keep reading with that weird feeling still in my stomach wondering if he'll ever send me a letter or try to get in touch. 

It's not that hard to get in touch. All you have to do is ask Anders for my address, he's pretty much the only one who knows. He even has my new phone number and my email. It's really not that fucking hard to get in touch. 

Joe obviously knows that. I haven't seen him in a while but the last time I spoke to him was on his birthday when I wished him a happy birthday over the phone and then he was so drunk he barely remembered. We kind of lost contact when he moved to Germany to play for Bayern Munich in February of this year, he got good and they wanted him and now he's acting cocky again. He's arrogant, it's in his nature but I've learned to put up with it. He's one of the only friends I have left now. 

So Joe got in touch and then I read the card and I burst out laughing. A what now? An engagement party? Is he being serious right now? He can't keep a girl for more than a week and now he's getting married? I haven't seen him in a few months so maybe he changed. But it doesn't matter, I won't he going. Joe is another tie to my past, means I might bump into people I'd rather never see again and I can't risk that happening.

I throw the card away after ripping the envelope because I know it's not safe to leave the card lying around, Alex has been known to look through my shit more than once. He's such a fucking creep but he's the only person I have. 

He gave me his number for when I 'need him' and I swore that I wouldn't use it but I have used it a few times. Mostly for small stuff like asking him to go shopping because I was too tired to. He's done it before so he won't mind doing it again. I text his number and he tells me that he's got a lesson in two minutes but he'll be at my house in ten or fifteen. He’s not so bad.

I sit down on the couch, staring at the blank wall. I should hang a picture there. And then my mind immediately goes to  _ him _ . His pictures, how good he looks in them, how he’s so effortlessly perfect. 

What if this is what the rest of my life is gonna look like? What if every day I wake up and I miss him. I go about my day and I miss him. I got to bed and I miss him. I see something or someone that reminds me of him and I miss him. I live my life but I miss him. And you know what? That’s okay. I’d rather miss him than move on because moving on means letting him go and I’m not ready for him to become a stranger to me.

I fear that he’s already a stranger though. I knew him eighteen months ago and a lot can happen in eighteen months, you meet new people, you change, you move on with your life… At least that’s the idea.

I don’t check up on him anymore. It kills me to not know what he’s up to but I know that one google search might destroy the idea of him that I have in my head. I think fo him living his life, posing in front of the camera but as soon as he gets home, he lays awake at night thinking about how much different life could be if things didn’t happen the way they did. Maybe that’s just me.

***

I keep lying both to myself and to Anders. He wants to know what goes on in my life but I rarely tell him anything. Which is why he sends his assistant out to check up on my once every month.

“Nick, what a surprise,” I say unenthusiastically and I hold the door open. He rolls his eyes, he already knows that Anders has sent me about twenty reminders to let me know that he was coming over. That gave me plenty of time to clean up and get rid of Alex, I don’t want Nick to see him here.

Nick isn’t  _ his _ friend anymore. I don’t know what happened and I don’t ask. I just know that Nick was once Wi- _ his _ assistant and the next day he was asking if I could do him a favour and find him a job. I did my best.

“Just making sure you’re still alive,” he jokes and he sits down on my couch. I see him once a month but it’s comforting to talk to him. Even if I don’t want to go back to my old life it’s nice to know that my friends are doing well. Especially Anders, Leeya and little Leon.

“All good as you can see,” I say and I try to smile. I sit down opposite Nick and he doesn’t even bother taking his coat or his shoes off, he never stays for long.

“Yeah…” Nick says and then he looks around awkwardly. He’s even worse at making conversation now, you’d think being someone’s assistant would improve your conversation skills and not the other way around.

“You heard about Joe’s engagement, right?” Nick asks me and he raises his eyebrows. Obviously he’s not convinced that Joe found the woman of his dreams either. It’s hard to imagine Joe settling down especially now when he’s gotten so fucking big-headed that he has a new girl hanging onto his arm every week. Sometimes I see his picture in the newspaper.

“Yeah. Yeah, I have,” I say. Joe is a reminder of what I could have become if I took the same route as him. I could be in Europe right now, matchday every three days, Champions League finals… And the interviews and the paparazzi and the restrictions. No thank you.

“Are you thinking about going?” Nick asks and I shrug. I’ve thought about it, putting myself back out there and, you know, reconnecting with everyone but I’m not sure if I’m ready for that. “ _ He _ won’t be there if that’s what you’re worried about,” Nick adds and I wince.

“I told you not to talk about him,” I say quietly forcing my eyes to focus on the carpet so I can calm my breathing down and once again remind myself that he’s just a person, one of many living on earth and there’s no need to get worked up about him.

“Sorry,” Nick says and I look up again. “But you should go. Don’t you think ti would be nice to see what Joe is up to?” I don’t think I wanna know what he’s up to, he’s doing well and me… Well, I’m a mess.

“You sound like Anders,” I say and Nick smiles.

“That’s the idea.” 

Now that Anders has a family of his own, I’m not that important to him. Okay, I’m exaggerating but whatever. I just wish it could be like the old times when Anders was there for me every second of every day but he’s changing nappies nowadays.

Okay, I’m lying again. I know for a fact that Leon is potty trained because they called me to let me know. I may not be his father but I was there through all of Leeya’s pregnancy and the early stages of Leon’s life. I couldn’t be there when she gave birth to him but Anders could. They call me ‘uncle Monty’ which I think makes me sound more like Anders’ brother than his son. 

Nick does his usual check, makes sure there’s proper food in the fridge, that my bedroom is clean and just asks some questions to see how I’m doing. Could be worse.

“Look, Joe’s engagement party is next week-” he starts.

“I’m not going,” I decide. I’d rather stay here than see how wonderful Joe’s life is. I try to be a good friend but it’s hard when he keeps remaining me that his life is amazing, he got better and I’m still here. 

“Okay,” Nick says simply and he stops by the door on his way out. He puts his hands in his pockets and sighs. “But I’ll be here next week anyway. Just to keep you company or whatever.” I have Alex for that but I don’t want anyone to know about Alex.

“You don’t have to… But thanks,” I say and Nick smiles at me before leaving and getting in his car. You know I always thought he was like some kid but turns out he just has a babyface. He’s only one year older than me although he did try to convince me and that he was thirty one drunken night when he was checking in. 

I wave him goodbye and then I go back inside. I’m alone again. And the cycle continues.

***

“You’re kicking me out again!” Alex shouts from the bedroom while I’m washing my hands. “And where’s my towel?” I left him on the bed covered in come and fuck, I don’t wanna go back out there because that means looking at what I’ve done. Why do I even bother telling myself that it won’t happen again when I know it will?

“Just a second!” I shout and I grab the towel from the hanger and I throw it at him without stepping out of the bathroom. He groans in frustration but I lock the bathroom door to give myself some privacy. He better be gone by the time I’m out.

I come out of the shower but Alex is still lying on my bed, looking through a fucking notebook. I must have left it in bed last night and I forgot to put it away.

“I didn’t know you could draw,” he says flipping through the pages and I pull it out of his hands and lock it away in a drawer. He’s seen me paint at the beach sometimes but that’s about it. “You’re so secretive,” Alex says and he rolls his eyes. Then he sees that I’ve showered, styled my hair and shaved. “What’s the occasion? Are you going to that engagement party?”

Of course he fucking went through my trash, why am I not surprised? I sigh and I run my hand down my face. “No. I’m just having a friend over,” I say.

“Joe?” Alex has done so much research into my life that it creeps the fuck out of me, he knows everything there is to know about me apart from the things I kept secret from the media. 

“No,” I say simply and I open my closet to search for something to wear. Nick is coming over and I don’t want him to see Alex here. I know that Nick isn’t friends with  _ him  _ anymore, but I still don’t want him to know that I’m, you know, messing around with someone else.

I get dressed, clean up and Alex won’t fucking leave, he puts his clothes on but he refuses to leave. “I just wanna say hi!” he protests and it’s too late to do anything about it now because Nick is here. I know it’s him because he knocks twice, pauses and then knocks twice again.

“Alex, listen to me,” I say and I put my hands on his shoulders. “We’re just friends, okay? We’re not… sleeping with each other and if anyone asks then we’re just friends. Alright?” He frowns and then nods so I feel slightly less nervous. 

Nick is surprised to see that I’ve already got company when he walks in. Introducing them to each other is awkward because I try to play it off but Nick can already tell that Alex isn’t just a friend. Nick knows.

“Did you used to play soccer with Monty?” Alex asks Nick the second I’m out of the room to get us something to drink. No alcohol, just coffee. 

“Erm. No. I just… was part of the crew. When that project was still on?” Nick says and Alex nods but he clearly has no idea what he’s talking about. There’s little on the photography crew on the internet, we’ve managed to keep quiet about most of it so people still don’t understand why the idea was scrapped. 

It’s more than awkward. I was hoping to talk to Nick, find out what’s going on out there but I can’t ask those things with Alex around. He’s way too nosey.

Luckily, my phone rings and I have an excuse to leave them behind. It’s an unknown number so I would usually decline the call but I can’t risk anything, it could be anyone calling. Anyone. Anyone but not him.

“Hey man!” Joe says cheerfully on the other line and I sigh softly. He changes his phone number so fucking regularly now, it’s pissing me off. 

“Hey,” I say trying to sound as enthusiastic as I can but Joe’s too drunk to notice that I’m faking it. He’s already drunk and his party isn’t until the evening. 

“I know I’ll be seeing you in a few hours but fuck, I just couldn’t wait to talk to you,” Joe goes on and my stomach twists. It hadn’t occurred to me that Joe would be expecting me to show up. I thought I was just another name on the list now that he’s got so many friends. 

Joe will understand, he knows I…. No, he won’t understand. I do nothing, I’ve got no excuse to not be there tonight. “Yeah?”

“Okay,” Joe says and then he takes a deep breath. “I was just… freaking out. Fuck. She’s not gonna be here tonight because she’s with her parents but she’s… She’s so fucking amazing, man. I can’t wait for you to meet her. You’ll stick around to meet her, right?”

Joe’s nervous, I can tell. But he’s being serious. Like, this seriously isn’t a joke? Joey is getting married and I was thinking about abandoning him. “Yeah. Yeah, of course,” I say and I run my fingers through my hair. “Yeah, I’ll be there. Just hang on, don't do anything stupid and don’t drink too much. I’ll be there soon.” 

Change of plans.


	2. Answers and More Questions

I don’t think Alex ever shuts up. Especially now that he’s on his way to meet ‘a real celebrity’ as he calls Joe. I’m kind of offended that once again Joe is more interesting than me. Joe won and I lost. There’s always been competition between us, not anymore.

“And is Holden gonna be there?” Alex asks and Nick glances at me and makes that face again. Nick is driving, I’m in the front-seat and Alex is in the back but he’s still a nuisance. Alex only knows that Holden and I were friends because I talk about him and Joe and the team. 

“I don’t think so,” I answer. Joe never really talks about Holden and I don’t know if they’re still in touch or not. I haven’t spoken to Holden since that game and that’s that, we don’t keep in touch. I don’t see why Joe would invite Holden except to rub it in his face but there’s no reason why Holden would come.

Nick turns the radio up to avoid answering any more of Alex’s questions. I wish we didn’t take Alex with us but he’s a fucking idiot, I need to keep an eye on him at all times. And he wouldn’t let us leave him. Fortunately, he falls asleep at some point and Nick and I take the opportunity to finally talk between ourselves. 

"So Alex is... " he says and he glances at Alex.

"A handful," I finish for him and he chuckles. Sometimes I don't even know how I deal with him but Alex… he's the only person willing to stick around no matter what and even though it can be annoying, at least I know he won't leave me. "So erm," I continue wanting to change the topic. "Any idea what we're getting ourselves into?"

Nick shakes his head. "Haven't seen or talked to Joe in forever," he informs me and he licks his bottom lip as he concentrates on the road. "I have absolutely no idea what this is gonna look like." And it may not sound reassuring but at least I won't be the only completely clueless person there. 

I must have fallen asleep at some point because I slowly open my eyes and hours have passed and we’re in some places that I don't recognize. I know that we’re in California though so we’ve been driving for some time, it’s dark. The radio is off, the car is silent and Alex is snoring in the back seat. 

"We're almost there," Nick tells me quietly and I try to sort myself out a little. I haven't seen those people in months, I don't wanna look like a mess in front of them. I comb my fingers through my hair, drink some bottled water and then I chew some gum. It's as good as I'm gonna look. 

It's almost nine so we're kind of late but I somehow doubt that people will notice. Nick drives in silence for a few more minutes and I shut my eyes. A while passes and he nudges me, pulling me back from the edge of falling asleep.

"So… this is it," Nick says and he twists his hands nervously. I look at the building in front of us and it's a bar. Joe has a weakness for bars especially the old school ones. Seems like the type of place he'd pick for an engagement party and if his future wife is okay with that then I suddenly understand the appeal.

We decide to leave Alex in the car because what's the worst that can happen? He's got his phone on him so he can just text me if he needs anything. 

I'm glad I have Nick here with me because if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have even gotten to the front door before I'd be getting back into the car and driving away. But he keeps me busy by talking and he makes sure that I walk inside. 

It's already noisy and full of drunk people. As I suspected, the chairs and tables are all wooden just like Joe likes it. It reeks of whiskey and wood and I've almost forgotten what this was like, the feeling of walking into a busy room full of people partying like they don't have a care in the world. Just for a second, I forget about everything that matters. 

"Monty! Oh fuck, Monty!" And there's Joe running to me with his arms stretched wide. Even though I take a step back, he wraps his arms around me and hugs me tight. He's so fucking drunk and he keeps laughing and telling me how much he missed me. Nick mutters something about needing the bathroom but it's clear that it's only an excuse to leave me and Joe alone. 

"Oh man, I missed you," Joe says _again_ when he finally let's go of me and he drags me to a corner table where we sit opposite each other and we're both grinning now. 

"It's good to see you, what have you been up to?" I ask and for once I don't mind listening to Joe talk all about himself and his perfect life. I'm glad he's doing well, gives me hope for myself. The opposite of what I thought would happen.

Bayern has games every three days so I have no idea what Joe's doing throwing an engagement party in the middle of the season until he explains that they're out of the Champions League and have a week 'off', as off as it can he for a soccer player. 

"So where's the girl?" I ask Joe looking around the place. It's surprising how normal I feel right now, how I'm able to slip back into my old life just like that, like no time had passed and nothing's changed.

He takes a sip from his glass and then raises his eyebrows momentarily. "She had some… thing with her family. But I'm hoping you'll meet her tomorrow," Joe explains with a shrug and I frown. 

"Tomorrow?" I was planning on staying here, having a drink and talking for a few hours and then driving right back home and going on with my life. When he said I’d meet her later I thought he meant later on in the evening.

"Yeah…I told you over the phone, remember?" Joe asks me and his eyebrows furrow. I keep a straight face and Joe sighs. "Today's the party and then tomorrow morning we're having a kind of breakfast/brunch to introduce Ella to my friends and you know… I really want you to meet her. I think you'll like her," Joe rambles on and I really don't understand why it's so important for me to like this girl but whatever. Joe has my blessing to marry whoever he likes. 

I notice that an hour passes and Joe stays with me, not going anywhere or even looking at anybody else. It's just us, laughing and talking about anything and everything. When he starts asking about me, I have to be vague.

"Just kinda resting, y'know?" I say and Joe nods like he gets it. I think we both deserve a little rest. I admire him for still keeping going and being so damn good at it. 

I look around to see if I can spot Nick anywhere because he's been gone for a while and my heart stops. I always thought that when I see him it would be like this moment where everything stops, it goes silent and he slowly turns his head to the side, we make eye contact and… I smile and he smiles and everything is okay. He walks up to me, asks me how I've been and it's like… that's what I was hoping would happen except none of it is. 

He stands by the bar with a glass in his hand and he's talking to some guy whose face I can't see. It can't be vomit boy (also known as Brody) because I know for a fact that Winston left him behind the second he left town for that modelling job. I slept soundly knowing that Brody wasn't a threat and I still kind of had this idea in my head where he hasn't been seeing anyone for the past eighteen months, like he was just waiting for me to come back. 

He looks good, doesn't look like he's been waiting for me to come back at all. He doesn't even see me but I see him and I suddenly feel sick. I can hear my pulse drumming in my ears, my mouth feels dry and I can barely swallow the lump that's in my throat. 

"I need some air," I quickly tell Joe and then I stand up. He's standing up too now, asking me where I'm going and if I'm okay but I'm faster than him, I get lost in the crowd and before I know it, I find the stairs that lead up to the roof.

As far as I could see there was no 'no entry' sign so this isn't exactly illegal. I just need to get away from _him._ I really don't think I can breathe. He was the last person I was expecting to see tonight. Fuck, he and Joe weren't even friends, what is he doing here? 

I pace up and down on the rooftop, looking down at the city. I need a few minutes to learn how to breathe properly again and I keep tugging at my hair, telling myself how stupid I am for coming here. It's like we can never get away from each other, there's always something pulling us back to each other and I don't know if I hate it or not. 

I lean over the metal railing that's doing a pretty shitty job at making sure no one jumps over it, all it would take would he for me to swing my leg over it and that's it, that would be it for me. Funny how fragile life is. 

I expected to see Joe (maybe Nick) come after me but I jump at the sound of the voice that I hear. "Monty? Is that really you?" they ask and I turn my head, completely forgetting about any thoughts I had of jumping. 

"Holden?" Another person I wasn't expecting to see tonight, I blame Joe for everything. I really haven't heard much about him since the last time I played, I just kind of assumed he was still playing for Minnesota like he was when I retired. 

"Hey, Joe said you were here and I had to see it for myself," Holden says with a giant grin and I take a step away from the railing and he gives me a quick one-armed hug that makes me realise one thing: Holden smokes. I sort of noticed that there was something off about him, he's only two years older than me and yet he looks like he's at least in his thirties. And fuck, his clothes… They reek of cigarette smoke. I guess Holden found his coping mechanism.

"So what happened to you?" Holden then asks me and he leans back with his elbows on the railing. "You, like, had the season of your life and then you disappeared off the face of the earth," he says and I look away. That's all everyone seems to wonder, what happened that made me give it all up when I was at my peak? 

"Just kinda been here and there," I say vaguely and I look up to meet Holden's eye again. "And there's also the injury." The broken leg I got from 'falling' down the stairs and how it unfortunately never healed properly. What a shame. 

"Oh. Right. Sorry," Holden says awkwardly like he thinks talking about the injury will upset me. 

"So what happened to _you_?" I ask him so we don't have to talk about me anymore. From what I remember, I hated Holden for some reason but we seem to have forgotten about that now, it's funny how things seem to be better now more than ever. 

"Kinda quit soccer," Holden says simply with a shrug. He's being vague too and vague usually means lying. "Been doing my own thing ever since," he adds and I join him by the railing. He turns so both of us are looking over the city, the lights, the busy roads and all that noise. This is kind of what I miss, the feeling of never being alone or isolated, you always felt like you were surrounded by people. Life goes on around us even if I put mine on pause.

"Me too," I say quietly and Holden pauses to take a pack of smokes out of his jacket pocket. Just like I thought. He searches for a lighter and then he lights the cigarette and puts it in between his lips without hesitating. I notice that his hands are trembling a bit. 

"So it all seems to have worked out. For all of us," Holden says and he blows smoke out through his lips. "Joe's happy. I'm happy and you're… Happy?"

I don't understand where he's going with this, why he's suddenly looking at me like that but it's making me uneasy. "Getting there," I answer and Holden looks away again. 

"And Leeya?" Holden asks and he clears his throat. "How is she doing?" Leeya is happy, probably the happiest out of all of us with her husband, their baby and her whole life finally in order. Why does Holden care?

"She's doing well. Really well," I say with a small smile. We weren't meant to be happy together but I'm glad _she_ ended up being happy, even if I didn't love her like I thought I did, she still feels like family. Speaking of family. "Anders too," I add and Holden listens patiently. "They're both happy with little Leon."

Holden chuckles at that and he stares down at the city. "Leon... " he says and he shakes his head like its funny. The baby might not have been mine but… The minute I looked at him I fell in love with him. Only then it was a bit too late. But when I looked at him and I held him in my arms, for some reason all I could think about was Leo. Leeya and Anders let me name the kid, Leon was supposed to be his middle name but they loved it and now he's called Leon and he's my 'nephew'. 

"Can I tell you something?" Holden interrupts my thoughts and I nod. "Back then, you hated me because I left-"

"It was stupid, it doesn't matter anymore," I cut him off. I need all the friends I can get these days and I never should have been holding onto grudges like a dumb teenager. "You don't need to explain yourself, it was a tough time and everyone was dealing in their own way." For example, I was writing letters hoping that they would help somehow. They mean nothing now. 

"Are you gonna let me speak?" Holden laughs and I apologize. He drops his cigarette to the ground, steps on it and then sighs. "I was in love with Leo," he says and then he pauses and presses his lips together. "He didn't know."

"Oh," is all I manage to say and then I just stare at him. Holden and Leo? Immediately I think back to that night when Holden told me and Joe that he fucks both guys and girls. Leo? Seriously? For a minute I think he's just kidding but Holden is dead serious and I look away. Joe and I didn't react that well when he told us, no wonder he never told us about this either and just decided to leave. 

“I don’t know if you remember, but there was this one party,” Holden says and he looks over at the streets and he exhales so that his breath forms condensation in the cold air. “I had gotten into a fight and… Yeah. I caught Leo trying to buy drugs, tried to interfere and this one guy was being a fucking idiot, asked me if I was Leo’s boyfriend.” He pasues and bites his lip. “I lost it, man.”

I remember that night very clearly and not for the same reason as Holden. That fucking party. But it’s starting to make sense, I’m beginning to understand. 

"Yeah…" Holden says so there's something filling the silence. He taps his fingers against the railing and then he coughs. "But I'm okay now, I-" And fortunately my phone rings and cuts him off. I pull it out and I'm never been this happy to see Alex's name on the screen. 

"Sorry, I gotta take this," I tell Holden and I sigh with relief because the conversation was starting to get awkward. Bringing Alex here wasn't such a bad idea. 

***

"You don't do that! You can't lock someone in a car and leave them there!"

"I said I was sorry," I mutter. Alex is only being dramatic as always, we left him in there for only about an hour and Nick even rolled the window down a little so he could breathe, he's acting like we were hoping he'd die in there or something.

He won't move, he's standing in the middle of the parking lot like he wants me to beg him to come inside. I'm not gonna do that. "If you don't wanna meet Joe then that's fine with me," I say and I start walking away from him. His face immediately falls and I take a few steps forward, Alex is by my side straight away.

"You'll introduce us right?" Alex asks and he nervously sorts his hair out. Ouch. So even Alex prefers Joe over me. Maybe I don't even have one person who prefers me over someone else. 

We get to the door and just as I'm about to push it open, someone pulls it on the other end and a guy steps out. He's just as tall as I remember him to be, not that much taller than me except I feel so small standing in front of him right now. 

There's no fireworks when he looks at me, no look in his eyes that tells me that he missed me or something, he just looks disappointed. 

Alex stares at each of us in turn and I quickly look down, away from Winston. This is the guy whose name I’ve been moaning every time I came inside Alex. This will only lead to a disaster.

"So are we going inside?" Alex asks me and he takes my hand. One of the first things I told him was that we were just friends and he should do shit like this in public, especially not in front of _him_. 

I pull my hand away. "I'll… Meet you inside," I say because I have a feeling that Winston didn't just come out here for a breath of fresh air. And he doesn't look like he's going anywhere either. 

Alex nods and then he gives Winston one last look and disappears inside. I stay where I am for a second and then without looking up at Winston, I turn around and start walking back to the car. Will he follow me? 

"So was that your kid?" Winston calls after me and I slow down my steps. Ouch. So he's choosing to do _this_ , so much for being mature. 

"He's just a friend," I sigh and I turn to face him again. He starts to slowly walk towards me and then he shrugs like he couldn't care less. 

"Didn't expect to see you here," he says like we haven't been apart for even a day. I stop by Nick's car and I'm sure that Winston recognizes it by the way he's staring at it. 

"Could same the same for you." There is literally no way Joe would invite Winston to his engagement party, they barely even spoke and I'm sure that Joe wouldn't even know Winston's name if someone asked. I can't help but think that he came here for me, that he spent all night looking around and waiting for me to walk in so we could finally talk. 

He shrugs like I'm not even worth an explanation and then he stops by Nick's car and runs his hand over the hood like he's getting rid of some imaginary dust. 

It isn't supposed to go like this. It isn't supposed to be this awkward. Even if we spent eighteen months apart, I was still holding on to the hope that he waited for me. That we'd see each other and it would all go back to the way it was. He was supposed to miss me like I missed him but it all feels different and so fucking wrong. It feels like its a completely different person standing in front of me and I know one thing: while I spent my life dwelling on him and the time we spent together, he let me go. And that shit fucking hurts more than anything.

"I know why you're here," he then says and he won't look at me. He leans against the car and crosses his arms over his chest. He's scowling. 

I only came here because I wanted to be here for Joe and because Nick convinced me to come. "Please, enlighten me," I say and Winston scoffs. I make sure to stay a safe distance away from him, I don't want him to know just how much I've been craving his touch for all this time. 

"You think you can come here, act like a reformed man and make everyone forgive you," Winston says looking around and shaking his head like he has it all figured out and he's pissed off at me. I'd laugh in his face if I wasn't so fucking nervous. 

I raise one eyebrow and I stay where I am. "Cool story," I say and then I glance back towards the building. Fucking wish someone else was here. Anyone. Even Alex. 

"I'm not forgiving you, okay?" Winston shouts and I see that his knuckles are white now that he's holding onto the car. Obviously he's got some unresolved issues just like me if this is what he thinks I'm doing here. But I'm tired of arguing with him, of playing this game where we try to see who can hate the other more. 

"Okay," I say simply. "That's your choice." I'm not gonna force him to forgive me. I've reached out many times and I never got a reply, I wasn't expecting forgiveness. Really wasn't. 

"Because you hurt me okay?" Winston goes on and he stares down at his expensive leather shoes. Someone's doing well. "And I don't care what you do, we're _really_ over. You really fucked it up for good."

I know that he wants me to fight with him, argue back and then he can let out all that anger I know he has for me. I really don't wanna fight with him even if those words make my stomach drop and I hate him for mentioning it. "Okay. I get it." I sigh. I just want the conversation to be over and we can go back to living our lives and pretending that we don't miss each other.

"And and I'm happy now," Winston adds and he stands up straight and looks me in the eye. He's really trying to sell this whole 'I'm fine without you' picture but he should know that I know him, I know him better than anyone. At least I used to know him. 

The conversation could end right here but no, the fucker just has to go all out. He tilts his head to the side and gives me this look like he knows that he's won. "I'm in a healthy relationship and I don't need you to be fucking that up," he says and he clears his throat. 

I blink. I blink again. Blinking doesn't make it any clearer. A relationship? I want to ask him how he was able to move on so quickly, how he can… Fucking stand there and say that to my face without feeling guilty. I spend fucking months hoping that somehow, it would still be us. No matter what happens in between, that in the end we would be together and it would all work out. How fucking stupid was I? 

Winston starts to tap his foot against the gravel and I snap out of it. He looks like he regrets telling me. "Okay. I'm happy for you." I say blandly. I'm not gonna act like a jealous freak, prove him right that I haven't changed one bit and I only came here to get his attention because I didn't. 

"And stop fucking saying okay!" Winston bursts out and he groans as his fingers card through his curls that were perfect until a second ago. I'm getting under his skin, all it took was for him to see me and I've gotten under his skin. Whoever he's in a relationship with… It wouldn't last if I decided to stick around. I'm not calling Winston a cheater or anything, but if that relationship is as amazing as Winston wants me to think it is, he wouldn't be out here trying to get a reaction out of me. 

"What do you want me to say?" I roll my eyes and I glance back at the building again. Poor Joe is probably getting harassed by Alex, it would be good to go in there and make sure they're okay. Except Winston isn't going anywhere. 

I sigh. "You wanted me to leave you alone so I did. Like you said, you're happy and I don't wanna ruin that for you." I don't know if he's disappointed or relieved but he won't meet my eyes. He actually looks confused, like he's trying to work out why I don't care, why I'm not reacting in the way he wants me to. He's not the only one who's changed.

"And I… I'm not in love with you. Not anymore," I say and I look down at the ground. That's what I've been telling myself all this time. People fall in love but they fall _out_ of love too. Just because I loved him once doesn't mean I gotta stay hung up on him forever, I'll find someone to replace him someday. Someday.

I look up just in time to see Winston gulp with those perfect hazel glassy eyes staring right at me. "Good thing I was never in love with you or that would have hurt," he says and he chuckles dryly. He never said it back. And he's never going to because he never loved me. I was stupid to think otherwise.

"Yeah…" I say stiffly and I look back at the building one last time. "I should go inside. Check up on my friend." I don't even look at Winston, I turn away from him and I walk away. Fuck him fuck him fuck him. Fucking dickhead. I never loved him anyway. Stupid fuck. 

I try to ignore my racing heart as I go inside and my heavy breathing as I enter the room or how I'm this close to vomiting all over myself as I walk around looking for anyone I know. 

I can't see Alex anywhere but I'm not worried, Joe's in clear view with a microphone in his hand and he's grinning and looking around. He's drunk as fuck. 

"There he is!" he shouts And he points straight at me. "Get up here man!" Everyone's staring down, smiling and cheering like idiots while I have no idea what the hell is going on. 

I walk across the room, all the way up to the small stage where Joe is waiting for me with open arms. "What's-"

"This is the man I… I can't imagine being here if it wasn't for him," Joe cuts me off speaking straight into the microphone. Attention seeking bastard but I've learned to love it. He puts his arm around my shoulders and forces me to look at the crowd gathered in front of us. It's nothing compared to the soccer stadiums and yet I feel a billion times more nervous.

"Monty is really… He's the best friend I could ever ask for," Joe says and then he sighs and stares at me. I'd make a gay joke if I was in the mood but I'm really not. Not after I hear those words coming out of Joe's mouth. "I love you man."

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you… 

I don't like crying. I hate it, I never let myself cry around someone else if I can help it. I can't help it, my knees buckle and I'm dropping to the group with tears rolling down my cheeks like I'm a fucking child or something. I'm fucking _sobbing_ like a girl and for what? 

My whole body shakes and Joe stares at me for a second before dropping the mic, helping me up to my feet and leading me away from the crowd, away from the stage and away from the chaos. We end up in a room somewhere in the back and I'm still fucking crying, my nose is running, my face is stained with tears and I can't seem to be able to stop it.

"Was it something I said? Are you okay? What do you need?" Joe blabbers on and for once I'm glad to hear Holden's voice. Holden was always the one who looked after us. 

"Give him some space," he orders and the next thing I know, I'm sitting down on a chair with a bottle of water being pressed into my hands. If only water was the cure for everything.

"I'm fine. I'm fine," I say after a moment when the tears stop and I can speak again. My throat feels tight, I feel like I'm fucking dying. I wish I was dying. 

"You don't look fine," Holden says and he and Joe look at each other. Just like old times except this isn't Leo we're taking care of anymore. It's me. And we all know how Leo ended up. 

They're waiting for some type of explanation but I've got nothing. Being tired doesn't explain it and neither does a cold or the flu. You don't have a meltdown for no reason.

"Fuck, I knew I shouldn't have dragged you here!" The room Is slowly getting crowded when Nick walks in acting like the solution to all my problems. The three of us stare at him and he holds eye contact with me and me only. There's something calming about him and I find myself forgetting about everyone else in the room. 

"It's all good guys, he's just going through something… Personal," Nick whispers the last part like its a secret and he doesn't elaborate. He could be talking about literally anything and hopefully that stops them from asking questions. 

"Oh," Joe says awkwardly and he rubs the back of his neck. The last thing I needed was to come here and ruin this day for him. "It's okay if you want to go home, I'll understand," he says with a small smile. Right, I was supposed to stay and meet his fiance. I owe him that much after causing that scene out there. 

"It's all good," I say. "I just… I'll go to bed early and I'll be okay tomorrow. I swear." Even I don't believe myself but they're not stupid, they know when it's time to drop the subject. 

"Which hotel are you staying at?" Holden asks and I shrug. I didn't know I'd be staying over until a while ago, haven't really planned anything but I can't sleep in the car. "You should stay with me, Joey is. I kinda rented out this house with my boyfriend. He moves around 'cos of work but he's in town for a month so yeah… You should stay with us, we could catch up." He continues talking but I'm still hung up on the word boyfriend. 

I don't know why I'm surprised. I heard him talking about fucking guys, I already know that he was in love with Leo so why is this… Why is this so weird to think about? Why can he have it and I can’t?

Holden shifts from foot to foot like he's already preparing himself for my reaction to that one word. Am I really that predictable? 

"Sure, it would save me having to pay for a hotel room," I say with a small chuckle and I try to ignore how relieved everyone looks. Even Joe. Even fucking Joe. 

I get it, everyone's changed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feeling generous today so here, have another chapter : )
> 
> hope you enjoyed it and if you can already figure some things out then yay


	3. What Could Have Been

**Chapter Three**

If Alex didn't find me, I would have been happy to leave him at the party and get away from him for a little while but now we're in the parking lot and he keeps looking around like he's in a trance. I don't know how many times I've told him to stop gaping, Joe is a normal person just like me or him. 

Nick hasn't really said much but he keeps biting his nails. He told me that maybe I should get a hotel room instead, that it would be easier but I don't see the point if everyone else is sleeping at Holden's. 

We're waiting for Holden's boyfriend to show up. Boyfriend. That fucking word. ‘Holden's boyfriend’ sounds normal, I can't imagine 'Monty's boyfriend' ever sounding natural. 

"Please ask him!" Alex whispers not so quietly and he glances at Joe. I roll my eyes at him, sometimes I forget how young he really is. 

"I'm not asking Joe for a fucking autograph, ask him yourself," I say and I give Alex's shoulder a nudge. Joe must have heard because he's grinning now, trying his best not to look too pleased. I can't help but wonder if that could have been me if I didn't fuck it up like I always do. I could have had money, engagement parties, fans and instead all I have is some small house in the middle of nowhere and a fucked up brain and leg. 

Alex nudges me back and I push him away. He seems to like this and he playfully pushes me back into Nick's car. Maybe if Nick wasn't so busy trying to chew his finger off then he'd notice. 

"You're still my favourite celebrity though," Alex whispers into my ear when he leans in. He's really trying to get me in trouble, I told him not to do that shit around here. I immediately push him away.

"There you are!" Holden shouts and no one seems to care about me or Alex to even notice that little interaction. I'm trying to look at Holden's boyfriend but he's far away and it's dark. 

"Let's get in the car," Nick says quickly and he opens the door for me. Why is he acting so weird? Let me at least meet the guy that Holden thinks is able to replace Leo. If he was able to get over someone he loved them maybe I will too. There's hope. 

"Sorry!" the boyfriend shouts and my heart stops because I recognise that voice. Anyone but him. Fuck please please _please_ don't let this be happening. Maybe I'm hallucinating, I'll open my eyes and it won't be Winston walking towards us. He said he was in a healthy relationship but I never thought… I hate it.

He doesn't even look my way and I hate him so much. I hate him and I wish I was anywhere but here. Winston finally approaches Holden and I look away when he leans in just to peck him on the cheek. It's not like they're making out in front of us but fuck, I've never felt this fucking sick. 

Holden is much taller than him. It doesn't look right, why can't they see that? Why is Joe shaking his hand? Why is Holden _introducing_ him to us? 

"Don't know if you remember him, he used to be part of the photography crew," Holden says and he awkwardly gestures to Winston. What the fuck is so special about Holden? Nothing, literally nothing. Nothing. 

He’s explaining it like he can’t remember all those times he saw me hanging out with Winston. He either doesn’t remember or he’s acting dumb.

"We bumped into each other at a New Year’s party last year, kinda went from there," Holden goes on and I wanna punch him in the face, I wanna tell him to fuck off and get away from Winston because there's no way, no fucking way, that he's the one Winston is choosing over me. 

New Year’s Eve. Seven months. That's how long it took him to get over me. Maybe it took him less, who knows who he was dating in the meantime. But seven months… I can't deal with this shit. 

As if that wasn't weird enough, Nick shakes Winston's hand and Winston introduces himself like he's never met Nick, kinda dumb seeing as they were both part of the crew. But I know one thing, someone is keeping secrets from their boyfriend.

"Monty," I say when he finally comes over to me and just for a second, I think he looks terrified like he realises all the different ways this could blow up in his face. And he doesn't care. 

"Winston," he says like he's never fucked me, like it all meant nothing to him and I don't even get a handshake. I get a measly half-assed nod. He doesn't even wanna touch me. 

"I'm Alex," Alex says offering his hand but Winston doesn't even acknowledge his presence. I don't know if I should be annoyed or pleased because someone is clearly jealous and it's not me. 

"You knew?" I ask Nick once we're inside the car. Winston and Joe are with Holden so at least I'm not stuck in the car with them. 

He nods. "But I swear I just found out today. I got talking with Holden and I kinda figured it out." At least one of us did. Now I look like an idiot and it'll be even worse now that I'm supposed to be staying with them. I bet they sleep in the same room. 

Alex is looking back and forth like he's trying to figure out what's going on because he can sense that something is wrong. Alex can't know, he wouldn't stop asking about it if he did. And I don't fucking trust him enough to tell him.

He stays quiet, probably hoping for either me or Nick to slip up and tell him a little about what's going on. I put on the radio and some trashy pop song plays but it's better than talking about the fucking thing that is making my heart fall apart piece by piece. 

And it hurts even more when I see the place that they're staying at. Holden said that it's just rented but damn, it doesn't look cheap. And one second I'm thinking about how well they must be doing for themselves and how happy they must be and then the next second it hits me. Winston doesn't like all this flashy expensive stuff, his ideal house was next to a beach with no electronics and peace and quiet. What is he doing staying with Holden? The guy's totally wrong for him. 

"You really don't have to stay here," Nick says and I realise that I'm still standing outside, staring at the giant house with God nows how many windows while everyone else is going inside. Nick stops by my side and he bites his lip nervously. "I can tell them you have a bug or something, I'll drive you home or whenever you want me to."

His words hang in the air and I keep staring at the house as the light switches on in one of the windows downstairs. I wonder which one of those rooms is their bedroom, who sleeps on which side of the bed, who spoons who and if the sheets smell like him.

Nick shifts from foot to foot and he steps on a twig, breaking it in half. I snap out of it. "Nah, it's fine," I say. "I can survive one night. For Joe." I'm telling myself that it's for Joe but even Nick knows that's a lie. I wanna see what it's like inside, what he and Holden are like together. 

Nick and I walk slowly and my breathing gets heavier with every step I take. I stop in front of the front door but this time Nick doesn’t open it for me. I wait a few seconds, hold my breath and then I open the door myself.

I know Holden invited me and Winston didn't have anything to say about that but it still feels like I'm invading their personal space or something. Coffee mugs on the coffee table, cold so it looks like they're from a couple of hours ago. Holden's shirt is on the couch, Winston's shoes are by the fireplace. Okay. It just looks like two roommates sharing a house. 

And then I hear the laughter in the other room, the enormous kitchen where everyone is huddled up. Joe is standing opposite Holden and Holden has his arm around Winston. Fuck them.

"Monty!" Alex shouts and the laughter stops abruptly. At least someone notices me. I could have just slipped out and no one would even notice that I disappeared because I was gone for eighteen months and no one gave a shit. Okay maybe Joey did. 

Once again, I hang back and let Nick go in first like he's my shield or something. He keeps his distance from Winston and I still wonder what happened between them to make them not even be able to look at each other.

I stand close to the door like I'm trying to make sure I can walk out any moment I need to and Nick stands on my right. Alex comes over and joins my left side and he stands a bit too close for my liking. 

They've gone back to their conversation, Holden and Joe so I listen in to hear that it's about German soccer or 'football' as Joe calls it now. The only person who hasn't said a word yet is Winston. He hasn't looked my way either and it's so fucking embarrassing that he's all I've been able to focus on. He and how Holden is rubbing his arm, how he stops mid-sentence to look at Winston and I fucking hate them. I wish someone would say something, put some space in between them but everyone's okay with it and I hate that even more. 

"Hey, so where have you been staying?" Joe asks and the room is silent again. I look up, I've been staring at the floor because I didn't trust myself to keep my eyes away from Winston and now they're all staring at me. All apart from him. 

"Just here and there," I say with a shrug and Alex scoffs and rolls his eyes. It's not like my whereabouts are a secret, I just don't wanna talk about myself. He has his secrets and I wanna have mine, I don't want him to know anything about me. 

"He lives in this cottage by the beach, has like no electricity whatsoever. Doesn't even have a fucking TV! I was freaking out when he invited me to his house, thought he was a serial killer," Alex rambles on and all I wanna do is choke him to death because he fucking said it. 

He told him everything. 

I don't dare look up but I know that he must have looked at me. A cottage by the beach, no electricity, no TV… 

"And he paints a lot. Spends _hours_ at the beach just painting." Alex goes on and I wish a plane dropped on this fucking house and killed us all. So Alex has been looking through my stuff, I wonder what else he knows. "You should see his paintings, they're really good." 

Silence. And then Joe bursts out laughing. "Paintings? Seriously? Never took you for the artistic type," he says and even though he's making fun of me, it's better than standing there like a dummy while Alex basically tells Winston that I'm still obsessing over him. 

I feel pathetic.

"Yeah, I have a lot of free time," I say simply while they all focus on me because I haven't really said much about myself. "To.. read and stuff." I add and I clear my throat awkwardly. Here they are talking about their amazing lives being celebrities and I'm spending my days reading and painting in the middle of nowhere. 

"We gotta get you laid man," Joe says and he steps forward and puts his hand on my shoulder sympathetically. I shrug him off but this is still better than having to talk about myself and the failure that is my life. 

"Bet he has plenty of girls at the beach," Holden says with a small chuckle and I don't miss the way that Winston rolls his eyes and pulls away from him for some reason. 

Girls. Right. I've had some, they always tried to talk to me but I've never invited any back to my place. I think Leeya put me off girls forever. Come to think of it I never really invited Alex either, he just sort of forced his way into my life. 

"Not really," I say and the room goes awkwardly silent again. It's like I walk around with all this fucking sadness inside my chest that it fills every room I walk into and there's still plenty of it left. I just feel like I'm ruining everything once again. 

"Hey, do you mind if I go lay down? I don't feel so well," I say and I glance at Nick. Fuck, he hasn't really said much either. Thankfully we have Joe and Holden to fill the room with conversation and Nick isn't important enough for them to notice that he's been quiet. 

Holden looks at Winston but Winston is looking in the other direction. He sure as hell doesn't want to show me to my room. My heart skips a beat, is he worried that something would happen between us? Doesn't he trust himself around me? 

So Holden moves away from Winston and he smiles at me. "Sure. You want a room to yourself?" he asks and Alex stares at me. As if I'm gonna say out loud that I wanna sleep with a guy. Especially if it's fucking Alex. 

"Yeah. Yeah," I say and I follow Holden out of the kitchen. He goes up the stairs and guides me to a large bedroom with one double bed and no other furniture apart from a mirror, a nightstand and a small closet. It'll do for tonight. 

He leaves me to it and I wanna slap myself when I realise that I have no clothes meaning nothing to change into. Really really fucking smart. I could walk around, see if I can find their bedroom and borrow some of Holden's clothes but imagine them seeing me wearing Holden's shit, they'd call the cops for sure. 

So I strip down to my boxers and get under the covers as fast as I can because even though the heating is on, I'm cold. I lay in bed but I can't fall asleep. I hear them talking and laughing in the kitchen and it seems that they're having more fun without me around.

A few minutes later I hear footsteps outside and I hold my breath. Is it Winston? I imagine him pausing outside my door, hesitating before pushing it open and then he walks inside and-

"Monty?" someone whispers on the other side of the door after knocking. It's just Nick. I bet he's here just to check up on me but I've had enough talking for tonight. I stay quiet hoping that he'll think I'm asleep and go away. I hear footsteps again after a few seconds and I sigh with relief. 

Winston isn't coming no matter how much I want him to. 

***

I fucking told Alex to get the fuck out. He has his own room and then he crawled on top of me and wouldn’t let go. I needed to get out of there before someone came in and saw us like this.

I’m fully dressed because I don’t wanna risk bumping into _someone_ while only wearing my boxers. I’d look desperate. It’s way past midnight and it looks like everyone went to bed, the lights are off and everything is silent. Except I take a few more steps and I hear that the TV is on. 

Someone must be down here. I tiptoe down the corridor, not wanting to scare whoever it may be down there. I secretly hope that it’s Winston. It is. Except he’s not alone. They’re sitting on the couch and his head is on Holden’s shoulder. How coupley.

I don’t bother being quiet, I stomp past the living room like I’m a fucking elephant and they turn towards me. “There’s food in the kitchen if you’re hungry!” Holden shouts and I pause momentarily. I was actually going to go outside, maybe go on a walk or run away. I don’t wanna be here but my feet drag me into the now empty kitchen and I close the door behind me so I can’t see them and they can’t see me.

I don't look around for food, it's their fucking food, they can keep it. I have my own food. I stand by the counter, staring out of the small window above the sink. It’s mostly dark outside but I can see the cars parked in the front. I can't remember the last time I drove a car, it's been a while. I want to get out of here before I fuck up again, before I do something stupid. 

I stand in there for a while, forgetting completely that I'm in _their_ house and that he's in the room next door, it feels like a dream. 

And then he steps into the kitchen. I see his reflection in the window, my body stiffens and my breathing goes shallow but he doesn't go anywhere near me, he definitely doesn't trust himself around me. 

I stay where I am, staring out of the window and he clears his throat. He wants me to notice him and he wants my attention. Doesn't he get enough from Holden? 

"You haven't told him," I say out loud. No small talk, no beating around the bush. I just wanna know why he's lying to Holden, why is he acting like I'm some shameful secret. 

"Told him what?" Winston asks and I can look up to observe his reflection, his back is to me so neither of us is looking at the other. Is he acting stupid or does he wanna piss me off? "There's nothing to tell. We hooked up a few times and I'm sure we both regret it. No point bringing it up." he continues and I can't help but scoff. As if he feels like that. 

"Right," I say and I roll my eyes even though I know he can't see. "Holden definitely wouldn't wanna know." Don't know about him, but I'd be mad if my boyfriend was keeping something like that from me. My _boy_ friend. See? Weird. 

Something bangs against the counter, it's Winston putting his glass down. I'm surprised it doesn't shatter. "Yeah? Then why don't I just tell everyone that you like fucking guys?" he snaps and we turn to face each other at the same time. He looks me up and down, his eyes shifting all over the place and all I can see is anger. I mean, anger is still a feeling, right? He has feelings for me, doesn't matter which ones at the moment.

I raise an eyebrow. He'd never do that, he's just mad at me. Is he trying to scare me? It's not working. I mean, have you seen all those people fighting for homo rights these days? They wouldn't give a shit if _maybe_ I like to fuck a guy once in a while. And it's not like I'm a celebrity still, wouldn't really affect me. I hope. 

"Sorry," Winston says quietly taking me by surprise. So I was right and he didn't mean it, he's just upset. 

"It's fine," I say with a shrug. "Not bothered." Not bothered by what? By people knowing I fuck guys? As if. Winston looks at me and then quickly looks away. 

We fucking stand there in silence and it's so awkward. I wish it wasn’t awkward between us, I wish we could at least be friends so I’d know how he’s doing. Instead, we’re just… this. And I don’t know what _this_ is.

Winston looks like he’s about to walk out, he slowly shifts his foot more in the direction of the door and I decide that I have no dignity left and that it won’t hurt to embarrass myself just one more time.

"Did you mean it?” I ask and I lick my bottom lip before forcing myself to continue. “Did you _really_ never love me?" And Winston stops. His eyes won’t meet mine, he blinks several times and he looks at his shoes like he’s trying to figure it out for himself. I’d like to know if there was a chance that this could have worked if I stayed. 

"I don't know…” he admits with a deep sigh. It’s not a no. “I thought I… maybe I was just in love with the person I thought you could be,” he says and he shrugs. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I raise an eyebrow and Winston stands up straighter and he crosses his arms over his chest. “The person you could have been if you tried. If you stayed,” he adds and this time it’s my turn to look away.

If only I had stayed, he thinks it would have been different. He could have loved me. I’d like to blame this all on Leeya but I can’t, I gave up easily and Winston wanted me to fight for him. That’s the person he would have fallen in love with.

“I don't think you were in love with me either," Winston says after a moment and then he clears his throat and when I look up, he’s staring at the door like he just wants to get away from me.

"What-"

"I think you just needed someone and… And I was around.” he says simply and my brow furrows because he can’t be serious. If I needed someone, I would have gone to Anders, to Leo, to Joe… He’s not like them, he was different. He was what I wanted. My lips are set in a thin line and Winston sighs again like he regrets bringing this up. “If you really loved me… you wouldn't have left as easily as you did. You don't… you _don't_ do that to people you love."

All I can think about is his face when I told him that I couldn’t stay, that we were over and we should move on. I replay those words in my head every night and I regret them now more than ever. He moved on for sure, I didn’t.

"Do what?" I ask quietly and with every word it’s getting harder and harder to speak. This whole conversation is exhausting, it’s sucking the life out of me.

"Tell Holden I'm going to bed." He doesn’t fucking _look at me_ when he’s speaking. He just walks right out, nothing else is said.

***

I hope he heard me fucking Alex last night. I don’t care what he thought about it, I’m allowed, it’s not like he fucking owns me or something. He has a fucking boyfriend for fuck’s sake, I’m allowed to fuck a guy if I want to. 

It was probably the worst sex I’ve ever had, not for Alex, he was having fun as always, but I moaned his name when I came and it felt so wrong that I didn’t enjoy it one bit. 

Now I open my eyes and Alex is sat cross-legged on the floor, staring at me with those creepy blue eyes. I groan, close my eyes again and I pull the covers up to my chin. “Fuck off,” I mutter and then I turn on my other side to not have to face him. God knows how long he’s been staring at me like this.

“Monty,” Alex says and he sounds upset. The next thing I know, he’s crawling onto the bed so he can look at me again. I groan again and I pull the covers over my head so he can’t see me. 

“Go away,” I say and I hope that for once in his life he’ll be able to take a hint. I don’t wanna get out of bed, don’t wanna meet Joe’s fiancee, don’t wanna eat breakfast with the happy gay couple. Just wanna go home.

“Can you at least come down for breakfast?” Alex says and he puts his arm on top of the sheets so that it touched my shoulder. “They said they’re gonna be playing a soccer game out in the garden, they’re just waiting for some people to arrive. You don’t wanna miss out on that.” Alex really does not know me at all (which is why I keep him around, let’s be honest) but I don’t wanna do any of this shit. 

I don’t reply and fortunately, he walks out, closing the door behind him with a slam like that’s going to upset me. I couldn’t really sleep until five and now I check my phone and it’s just past eight. Fuck off. And I may not own a TV but I almost always have my phone with me, just in case Anders calls.

I can’t fall asleep again because I’m awake enough to have already started thinking about Winston and once that happens there’s no going back, the only solution is to keep myself busy and pretend there’s nothing going on in my head.

Should I shower? I mean, there’s a bathroom here and I don’t really wanna stink. But then I get in the shower and I spend hours just standing there and letting the water flow down my body. I reluctantly dress in yesterday's clothes and then I know that it’s time to go downstairs when my stomach rumbles. Maybe they’re already outside playing soccer so I can eat by myself without having to make conversation.

Of course nothing ever goes how I want it to, they’re all in the living room laughing and talking. Maybe not all. Nick is quietly sipping a coffee while staring out of the window, not paying attention to any of them, is that what I look like most of the time?

“Hey,” I say quiet enough for Nick to hear so the rest of them don’t have to notice me walking in. They look like they're having fun and I wouldn’t wanna ruin that, Joe and Holden are playing a video game, making as much noise as possible and acting like teens while Winston and Alex sit on opposite ends of the couch and watch.

“Hey,” Nick says and he pushes the ginger hair away from his eyes. He reaches for a plate with an omelette and he passes it to me. “Your breakfast, Holden made it.” So he cooks too, how lovely. Husband material if you ask me, seems perfect. Then why doesn’t Winston seem happy? 

I sit down next to Nick and by now they all know I’m here but they don’t make a big deal out of it because _I’m_ not a big deal anymore. I’m just a friend they used to have, someone they keep around like they’re scared I’ll kill myself if left unsupervised. I’m long past that.

I eat about two bites but it tastes like wood shavings and cardboard and it takes all the strength I have to swallow it down instead of spitting it into a napkin. I wonder if Holden makes breakfast for him every day and if they sit here and talk about their day while eating.

“Hey, so you wanna play the soccer game? It’s five v five,” Joe shouts to me as he flops down on the couch in between Alex and Winston. I shake my head so I don’t have to explain myself, fucked up shoulder, leg, brain… everything’s fucked up. I don’t wanna play soccer.

“Alrighty,” Joe says and he glances out of the window to see if anyone is coming yet. He’s so nervous about us meeting his fiance that he’s trying to keep himself busy with soccer. His leg is jiggling up and down and I know that as soon as this is over, I’m leaving. I’m only staying for Joe’s benefit.

A few minutes later, someone rings the doorbell and then Joe leaves to meet up with his new friends and everyone follows. Even Nick says he’ll go as long as he’s on Joe’s team. I can’t help but feel a little betrayed. Alex hangs back a little like he wants me to ask him to stay but I don’t even look his way.

Only once they’re all gone, I move closer to the window and I watch from inside the house. Some of them (including Alex) are shivering in the cold and Joe tells them to man up and that they’ll warm up when they start playing. 

There are two teams, Joe’s and Hoden’s, and surprise surprise Winston ends up on his boyfriend’s team. Alex, Nick and two other guys are on Joe’s, the rest who weren’t picked by either Joe or Holden or didn’t wanna play sit out. 

It’s not even a proper game because Alex has no idea how to play and he shouts not to pass to him, Nick slips several times every time he tries to kick the ball and Joe falls about from laughing at them. I catch myself smiling and I quickly stop before I start regretting staying inside.

Holden’s team is winning, already having scored three goals past Nick’s defence. And by team I mean Winston who seems to be okay at scoring, he’s not so bad. He stops to push his hair back, away from his face and I look down at the ground because I feel like Alex staring at him like this.

I watch for a few more minutes just to past the boredom and it’s great that Winston is scoring goals while Holden is in the goal post, it means that they’re usually nowhere near each other. But they still grin at each other every time Winston scores and I roll my eyes when they do, it’s a reflex at this point. 

And then Alex has the ball and he doesn’t fall, doesn’t slip, he actually manages to keep it by his feet. He runs with the ball, Joe encourages him with shouting and even I’m rooting for Alex to scare. That’s until Winston rams into him and sends him flying so he lands on the ground with a loud thud.

“Hey!” someone shouts but the sound is coming from my lips. A few seconds later, I’m outside, walking across the lawn in my socks and making my way towards Alex as they all stop and stare. He’s holding onto his shoulder and grimacing. I know that wasn’t an accident or a friendly foul, Winston really looked like he wanted to hurt him. And he succeeded.

“I’m fine, Monty. I’m fine, I promise,” Alex says when I crouch down beside him and try to help him up without touching his shoulder. He doesn’t look fine and his shoulder doesn’t either with the weird angle that he’s holding it at.

Everyone’s gone silent and they stand around us awkwardly as Alex gets to his feet and I hold onto him. I look around for Winston who is glaring, I don’t know if he’s glaring at me or at Alex but he doesn’t look happy. And for a split second, I hate him for being like this, for hurting Alex for absolutely no reason. He doesn’t look like he’s thinking about apologizing.

Once Alex can stand on his feet (and stops being dramatic and clutching onto me), I go over to Winston and he’s standing close to Holden like he’s hoping that will deter me from walking over. “What the hell man?” I say and I glare back at him when his eyes follow me. He fucking looks _proud_ of himself. “He's only little,” I add and I stop a few paces away from him. Can’t be too close.

"Not my fault he's a twink." he snaps back and then he rolls his eyes and goes over to the fag that is his boyfriend. He wants my attention so fucking bad that it’s embarrassing. 

Only when Alex and I are sitting alone in the kitchen, an ice pack pressed to his ankle, I realise what Winston said. Twink. That’s what he called Alex and yet I clearly remember him telling me that this was a slur once.

“Is twink a slur?” I ask Alex and his eyebrows inch together before he bursts into laughter. Sweet, all that did was embarrass me.

“No, who told you that?” he asks while still laughing and I just roll my eyes. Jesus, it was just a fucking question. Though I don’t understand why Winston would lie to me about it.

I ignore Alex, leave him and his ankle in the kitchen because I can’t stand him. And I can’t stand Winston either because I wouldn’t have to take care of Alex if he hadn’t pushed him. I hate all of them. This is why I live in the middle of nowhere now.

I stand outside the kitchen door and then slowly, I sit down on the floor with my back touching the wall. I just feel so different compared to the rest of them, it sucks having to watch all of them have fun and talk about their amazing lives while I’m stood at the sidelines, embarrassed to tell them that I do nothing all day. I’m just wasting my life away.

Anders calling disturbs my depressing thinking and I sigh at how I’m always being so negative, no wonder no one wants to be around me. 

I answer the phone. “Yeah?”

“Your kid needs you,” Anders says into the phone and I frown. My _kid_? He can’t be talking about Leon, that’s not my kid. I don’t even know who’s kid it is, no one knows except for Leeya and she refuses to tell us.

She admitted that it wasn’t mine after Anders kept threatening her with DNA tests day after day, trying to get her to tell us the truth before it was too late, so I could still go back and apologise to Winston. It only took her a month to admit that I wasn’t the father but Winston didn’t care by then.

“Huh?” 

“Justin, the guy you’re taking care of? Remember him?” Anders asks slowly and I silently roll my eyes, I’m not an idiot, he doesn’t have to treat me like one.

“Yeah, yeah, what about him?” I ask carelessly. I have bigger things to worry about than some kid but I know that Justin always comes first, learned that from Anders.

“Well…” Anders says and he pauses. “It doesn’t look good, he walked out during an interview and punched a cameraman on the way out, could you talk to him? I heard that you’re in LA right now.” I'd be surprised if he didn't already know, but I'm listening to all this shit he's saying about Justin and it sounds like he's talking about me. 

"Sure, I'll talk to him," I say simply. How bad can it be? He's just some dumb kid who had a bit of an anger slip, I'll just talk to him like Anders would talk to me. And all it takes is a small bribe to make sure everyone stays quiet about this, can't have Justin already damaging his image. 

"Well you better get here fast, he'll be at my office in an hour," Anders says and then he groans. "Or at least he said he will be."

"Relax," I say. I doubt Justin is like me, running away without letting anyone know where he is or what he's doing. "We'll figure it out, just focus on your own stuff and I'll deal with Justin." It'll take me about an hour and a half to get to Anders' office if I take a cab so that isn't too bad, I'll be fine. Even if I pay a million dollars for the ride.

Except there's one problem.

"What do you mean you're leaving? You haven't even met Ella yet," Joe whines while I put my shoes on by the door. I tried to be brief and tell them that I need to go and they were all fine with it. All except for Joe. 

"Another time," I say and I focus on getting out of the door so I don't have to stay in this house for a minute longer. I already told Alex that he can't come with me because this is serious. Work-related.

"I'll go with you, it'll save you having to pay for a taxi,” Nick says carelessly but judging by his expression, he's been waiting for an excuse to get out of here for a while now. 

Nick and I get dressed while Alex stares at me with wide eyes hoping I'll take him with me too, he'll just have to take the bus back home because he's really not my problem right now. 

Joe is still in a mood with me, upset that I'm ditching him but he says goodbye to me just like Holden and that's more than I can say for Winston, who sits there, newspaper in hand and ignores everyone else. 

***

I have my lanyard around my neck with the office staff card, Montgomery de la Cruz, Manager. It makes me sound old. Nick said he’ll wait downstairs but he helped me find the office and the elevator. He works here too after all.

The building isn't big, only has two floors but there's a few offices on each floor, a cafeteria and an open area that looks like a waiting room for something. And from what I can see, it's not just soccer players here. 

I eventually find the office I'm looking for and when I walk inside, Justin jumps in his seat. He's sat on one side of the desk, hunched over and he's got a paperclip in his hands that he messes around with nervously. 

My name is on the door of this office, so Anders was always open to the idea of me being a bit more long term and staying over. The office walls are light grey, the flooring wooden. Justin sits in the uncomfortable black plastic chair and he gulps when he sees me. Am I really that scary? 

I've seen him in person a few times before but I've mostly talked to him over the phone, this will be our first work-related talk in person.

"Hey," I say and he seems thrown off by how casual I am. I sit opposite him, Anders left a notebook and a pen for me on the table and I flip open to the first page. What am I even meant to write in here? I wish I had training for this. 

"Hey?" Justin replies and he sits up straight and glances down at the notebook. This must be weird for him, having his first talk with me in the office when I'm more clueless than he is. 

"So what happened?" I ask him and I click the pen several times. He still looks terrified, not how I imagined it would be like, I thought he'd be a bit angrier but he's just a scared kid. 

"Nothing," he replies and he shrugs his shoulders. Doesn't he know that I already know? I raise an eyebrow at him and he sighs and looks down at his hands. "Erm, just fucked up I guess." _'Fucked up',_ I write in the notebook and I underline it twice. Justin looks at the writing and scowls. 

"Um… I walked out of the interview?" he continues and I write that down too. He's trying hard not to grin now but I can see something changes, he realises that I'm not as strict or intimidating as he thought I would be. 

“And punched a cameraman,” I add and he blushes. I find it amusing how it’s like talking to a younger version of myself but I know I can’t laugh or smile, I’m supposed to be Justin’s manager, not his friend. “Let’s start with the basics, why’d you walk out?”

He shrugs. “They just… started asking questions. That I didn’t like,” he says quietly. It’s creepy how alike we are but I understand him, I understand why Anders wanted _me_ specifically to work with him.

“What sort of questions?” I ask leaning forward in my chair. I close the notebook and Justin sighs with relief. I wouldn’t want someone to be writing down all my problems either. The list would be endless.

“Like… About my family?” he says uncertainly and I raise my eyebrows. So this is what Anders had to deal with when he was looking after me. This but with more aggression and stubbornness. I’m glad Justin isn’t _exactly_ like me.

“Okay, erm… don’t do it again,” I say and I clear my throat. He stares at me with a furrowed brow, wrinkles forming on his forehead and he licks his lips nervously.

“Aren’t you gonna… Is this it?” he asks. I don’t need to pressure him into telling me everything, that’s part of the reason why Anders and I got off to a rocky start because he wanted to know everything about me to know what he was dealing with and I hated him because he knew _everything_ about my past.

“For now,” I say and I stand up and push my chair under the desk. “I’ll sort it out, make sure you don’t get into trouble for this and in the meantime… Focus on yourself and don’t do anything stupid.” I hope what I’m saying isn’t complete bullshit.

He nods unsurely like he’s still surprised that I’m letting him off this easily. He grabs his jacket from the back of the chair. “Thank you,” he says with a small smile. He’s already doing better than I was at his age.

“Don’t mention it,” I say and I leave the notebook and pen on the desk. I look up at Justin. “But one day I’d like to know about your family. If you’re ready to tell me.” I say and Justin’s eyes focus on the floor. Talking about this stuff is what got me and Anders to work well together in the end because he understood me. Justin isn’t there yet, he already looks uncomfortable just thinking about it.

I let him leave, once again telling him to stay out of trouble and the minute he walks out, someone else enters the room.

“How was it?” Anders asks with a grin on his face. My performance reflects on him but he wants to know how I found it, my first day being him.

“Alright I guess,” I say simply and he walks towards me, walks around the desk and sits in _my_ chair, not the chair meant for visitors. Okay I get it, he’s still in charge.

“Good to hear,” he says with a small nod and then he opens the notebook and he rolls his eyes. He closes it without commenting on the lack of notes.

“You have your methods, I have mine,” I say shortly and I sit down in the other chair. We sit opposite each other for a moment, neither of us saying a word and then Anders leans across the desk.

"I'd be nice if you could stick around, get to know Justin, help us out with Leon... I’d like to have you around,” he says and then he pauses when I press my lips together and don’t reply. “Unless you have someone waiting for you back home?" Back home. Is that place really home? He's asking if I'm over Winston, if I met anyone because that would mean that I'm making progress. I haven't made any progress especially not now after having to see him cuddle up to someone whom I considered a friend. 

"There's no one," I say and his face drops and he gives me a half-smile. I pray for Leon if this is the kind of fatherly support he'll be getting in the future. Anders is good at many things but giving relationship advice may not be one of them. "But I'll think about sticking around. Could be fun."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, i hope you enjoyed this  
> the next chapter should answer any more questions you may home but if you have any youd like me to answer feel free to ask on my instagram @wontywilliams


	4. Distance

**Chapter Four**

Usually, Leeya doesn’t put the Christmas tree up until a week before Christmas, but for Leon’s sake (as it is his first Christmas) we’re putting the tree and the decorations two weeks earlier. 

Anders is upstairs, playing with Leon so the kid doesn’t get in the way of decorating. Due to my height, I have to use a stepladder for most of the decorating and I wouldn’t want anything to fall or hurt the kid so it’s best to keep him away right now.

“Should I add cinnamon or not?” Leeya shouts from the kitchen as I wrap the silver tinsel around the fake Christmas tree. It’s big and it’s beautiful but it’s still plastic. She’s in the kitchen baking pie and it seems like we’re one of those perfect families in Christmas films but we’re anything but perfect.

I’ve been staying with them for almost a month now. I wanted to get my own place, rent something out, but I didn’t know how long I’d be staying for so Anders said I could stay with them while I figured stuff out. 

I didn’t even realise that it’s been so long, I’m busy with work and helping Justin out as well as doing stuff around the house so the days just pass by without me knowing. Sometimes I have good days where I get up early, make breakfast, see Justin, play with Leon… and then late in the evening I sit in my room and I draw. I draw whatever comes to mind, maybe a person I saw in the supermarket or a garden I walked past but mainly I just draw people and I don’t draw  _ him _ anymore.

Then there are the  _ other _ days. The days where it takes me hours to get out of bed, I snap at Justin, I don’t have the energy to play with Leon and I go to bed early but I don’t sleep. Those days start off in the same way. Dreaming about him.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that he moved on and there’s nothing I can do about it, I’m trying to move on too and getting better every day. I don’t have bad days because I miss him, I have bad days because I’m angry at myself knowing that there’s still a part of my brain that won’t stop thinking about him and forces me to dream about his face and his voice once in a while.

“You’re doing that thing again.” Leeya sighs. I look up and she’s standing in the doorway with flour on her face and her hands covered in dough or something.

“What thing?” I ask and I walk down the ladder. I look up at the Christmas tree, the silver ornaments and the red lights look good together, I think I did a decent job. 

“That thing where you… When someone asks you a question and you start daydreaming about something,” she says and I just sigh and shrug. What am I meant to say to that? I can’t control how my brain works.

“Sorry,” I mutter just for the sake of saying something. I’m not really gonna apologise for always being so lost in thought. Sometimes I think I’ve had more conversations in my head than with real people around me.

“Help me out in the kitchen,” Leeya says and I know that’s not a suggestion. She gives me an apron once we’re in the room but I doubt the apron will protect me from this mess. There’s a broken egg on the floor, a bag of sugar close to falling and spilling out and let’s not mention the flour that seems to be everywhere.

“Apple pie,” I say when I see the recipe opened on her phone. I almost stick my finger into the filling before Leeya slaps my hand away.

“Wash them first,” she orders and sends me away to the sink. It’s alright between us now, not perfect but we’re alright as friends. We had some good moments when we were together but we just weren’t meant to be a couple.

I wash my hands with washing up liquid, spreading it all around and rubbing hard while Leeya hums along to Silent Night, I only know it because it used to be my mom’s favourite Christmas carol. 

Leeya never meant to hurt me when she lied about Leon being my kid, she was scared and she needed someone to stick around. She shouldn't have done it the way she did, shouldn't have lied and ruined the only good thing in my life but it happened and neither of us can change the past. 

She's apologized for it many times and even though I know she means it, I can never fully accept her apology. She said she knew about me and Winston, that she figured it out but she had no idea how serious we were and she never meant to hurt either of us. It still happened.

I snap out of my daydreaming and rinse my hands with hot water before Leeya notices. I let her do most of the work but I'm there if she needs help with anything. 

We stay in the kitchen for a long time, messing around and trying not to fuck up the pie and it helps to distract me from thinking too much. I wonder if this could have been my life, if things were slightly different maybe I would be the one living here permanently and looking after Leon. Thanks to me, that's not my life. 

When Leeya and I decided that it was pointless for me to stick around, I asked Anders to take care of her and just help her out while I focused on soccer. I let out everything, every single emotion I had into training and soccer. I didn't pay much attention to anything that happened around me if it wasn't soccer-related. Which is why in April, when Leon was only four months old, Anders told me that he was in love with Leeya and I had no clue what was happening right under my nose. There was really no reason for me to stay anymore. 

I played the World Cup, focused on my career and when it all came to an abrupt end, I left it all behind to live on the small beach with Alex. 

Speaking of Alex, he’s pissed off at me that I decided to stay here for a while and he keeps begging me to either come back or let him visit me. Now that I have Anders and Nick with me, I don't need to torture myself with Alex's company anymore.

Leeya passes a broom to me when the pie is in the oven and I groan and try to get out of it but she doesn't let me. 

I'm cleaning the floor up when she pauses, puts a bowl in the sink and sighs. "Have you heard anything from... "

"Don't say his name," I say quietly. Every time I hear it, it's like something breaks inside me. It's like a dull pain that won't go away for a while and then when it does disappear, you don't even realise. But it's there for a while, a long while, and all I can think about is him. 

Sometimes I lay awake at night trying to pinpoint the exact moment that it happened. You ask someone when they knew that they were in love and they'll give you an answer, probably something unoriginal too. But I don't think there was a defining moment like that with us. It was just… I met him and I was curious and my curiosity lead to me wanting him but wanting him changed to needing him until I pressed pause for a second, I looked back and I couldn't imagine my life without him anymore. It was all him. And I don't know when it happened.

I walk out of the kitchen in silence. I helped clean up, I did my part and all I got in return was this dull pain to return to my chest. I've learnt that there's no way to make it go away, but you can drone it out or at least try to overwhelm the feeling with a stronger one. An orgasm usually does the trick. 

I try to stay away from Alex now. Not just Alex, any guy who I think might be even remotely interested in me. I've been away from Alex for just a month but my head isn't as cloudy as it was before. I think Alex ruined sex for me. It's not his fault, it's just that I'm trying to replicate the things I felt with Winston with someone who isn't him. And the disappointment is too much for me to handle every time. Yet I do it again because I never learn.

I bump into Anders on the stairs, he tells me that Leon is sleeping so I shouldn't make too much noise and I won't. I won't be staying for long tonight. 

I don't wanna make a habit of seeing Nick or he'll end up like Winston. But so far, Nick is the closest thing I have to a best friend and I do need him. Some nights more than others. 

He's the only connection I have left to Winston. The only other person who truly knew him. He's not surprised to see me turn up at his door, he's used to the irregular visits and my inability to remember to text him beforehand. 

Even though he earns a fair pay working for Anders, he rents an old mouldy apartment with some guy who rarely comes out of his room. I'd rather live on the streets. But it’s LA, everything is expensive. 

"So… what are you doing here?" Nick asks as nicely as he can once we enter his tiny room. It's about the size of the bathroom at the house that Holden and Winston rented. I know that Nick is tired, there's paperwork all over the bed and I'm not exactly a blessing to have around. 

"I miss him," I say quietly. I'll never admit it, not to anyone else and definitely not to myself. But I'll admit it to Nick because I trust him. 

"Monty… there's no cure for this. You can't get better if all you do is spend your days mopping around about him," he says and he shakes his head at me. "You said you were getting better, I thought you were improving."

I thought so too. It was so easy to fool myself that if I don't actively think about him or actually mention him by name, it'll be easier to ignore his presence in my brain. It's not. It's like he's trying to claw his way back into my brain and everything else suffers in consequence. 

"I just wish I could have a normal conversation with him. To apologise. To explain." I pause for a minute so I have a moment to think before I decide to open my mouth again. "I just have all these conversations in my head and all these things that I never said to him and never will and I just wish he could hear it from me. I wish he knew that I am sorry. I wish he'd listen. But he's changed." 

Nick listens and as usual, he doesn’t reply. He’s just here to listen because we both know there’s nothing he could say to make this better. I just need someone to listen to me, apparently talking about it helps. But not talking to a therapist, I tried that and I just didn’t… I couldn’t tell Ellman about Winston. I just couldn’t so I didn’t see the point in seeing him anymore.

“I’m sorry,” Nick says quietly and he puts his hand on my shoulder. “I wish I could… do something to help.” Nothing will change the way things are right now, it just is like this and I have to live with it.

“Yeah…” I tell myself to move on because he has. And I know I shouldn’t wait around, that shit is hurtful. But if let’s say one day he was to break up with Holden… Maybe then. But I’ve gotta stay away from his relationship, I don’t wanna ruin it for him. I want him to be happy, I just wish I could be the person that makes him happy.

Nick’s hand is still on my shoulder, his lips formed into a small smile like he’s trying to be encouraging but is also expecting me to break down any moment now. 

I lean in like the idiot I am. I just want to feel what it’s like… to be with someone who cares about you. Alex doesn’t care about me, or I don’t care about him, it’s not the same. I just want  _ someone _ to care about me like that for once. 

"I… Monty, I... " he starts and he moves back unsurely and withdraws his hand away from my shoulder. As always, I’m looking for affection in all the wrong places. I don’t know what I want anymore. I move back abruptly and Nick quickly runs his hand down his face. "I'm just not… like that. I mean, if I was gay I'd definitely go for you but I'm not so… I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise. I'm the one who's sorry." I tell him and I step away from his bed. I don’t even know why I did that. Loneliness? Desperation? Hope that I might feel for someone else what I still feel for him? I just don’t wanna feel those things anymore, it hurts like a bitch and all it does is destroy me little by little.

“Don’t,” Nick says sternly. “I get where you were coming from but… I don’t think I’m the person you wanna kiss,” he says like I don’t already know. But hearing someone say it out loud, it makes it so real and so hard to deny.

***

Anders would handcuff me to the radiator if he could but he knows there’s a reason I wanna leave. He doesn’t ask if it’s because my birthday is in a few days or because Winston has another photoshoot in LA today. I don’t wanna talk about either of those things. 

I could stay, I don’t have to leave and Anders says he won’t touch my room so I can come back any time I want to. “In a day or in a year, you’ll always have a place here,” he said and I thanked him for keeping me distracted this past month. It was nice, remembering that there’s a life out there that doesn’t include Winston Williams.

Leeya makes me promise to be back for Christmas and I say that I’ll think about it but I know it’s not gonna happen. Leon is the hardest to leave behind, he brings me his favourite teddy bear, the one I use whenever I tell him a bedtime story and he asks if I’ll play with him.

“I’ll play with you,” Anders says after a second of silence and he takes Leon away in his arms. There are times that I wish this kid was mine and now is one of those times.

“Are you sure you have to go?” Leeya asks. I think it’s pretty obvious by how I’m standing in the doorway with the backpack on my shoulder. I just wish Nick would hurry up and pick me up before I change my mind. LA isn’t small but knowing my luck, I’ll bump into him if I stay. Leave him alone.

"Yeah, I just have to tie up some loose ends." I'd love to stay and work for Anders, I don't mind the city  _ that _ much but I bet I could find a quiet place to live in and everything would be perfect. But there's some things I have to take care of before I even think about sorting my life out. It'll take a lot of work but I'm prepared to do it. 

Nick talks to me for the entire car ride, we mainly talk about sport and the agency but then some serious stuff too like what am I going to say to Alex? He's not gonna be happy with me for leaving. 

I thought I messed things up when I kissed him but he really doesn't care that I did, he actually jokes about it now and I laugh along even though it hurts a little. I like Nick as a friend, just thought maybe that could turn into something more. Maybe I wouldn't have to stay hung up on Winston forever. 

"Promise you'll look after Justin while I'm away?" I ask him still leaning on the car door. I can't leave a mess behind to sort out the mess here, it's a chore balancing everything to make sure nothing gets fucked up in the process. 

"Said I would, didn't I?" Nick is a good guy, I can trust him. I do trust him, I trust him like I once trusted Leo. He drives off with a small wave and I stand in front of my house until the car disappears from sight. 

One thing I notice when I go to unlock the door is that it's already unlocked. Someone's inside. 

I don't do any of that stupid bullshit like call out and ask if anyone's here. I sneak inside, grab the nearest weapon-like object (which turns out to be a hammer from the time I was repairing the shelf) and I walk into the living room by keeping my back against the wall. The light is on but no one's here. 

And then a noise comes from the kitchen. An intruder? You don't get much of those around here, it's a peaceful place. 

No, it's just fucking Alex. He walks out of the kitchen with a bowl of soup and he grins at me. "Finally! You're back," he says and he sets the bowl down on the table. 

"Have you been staying here the entire time?" Alex is a nuisance, he makes my brain hurt, he's the reason why I have problems controlling my anger. Especially when I see what he's done with the place. 

"Yeah, I cleaned up a little too. Look!" I can see that. He's rearranged my furniture, instead of having the couch and the armchair in the quiet corner, they're in the middle of the room along with the table. Everything feels so exposed and so… weird. 

"Get out." The words leave my mouth before I can stop them. I hate him and his fucking stalkerish behaviour. He shouldn't have a key to my house, he shouldn't stay here without my permission and he sure as shit shouldn't be touching anything. There's a line and he crossed it. 

"I thought a change might be… good for you? Thought you'd like it," Alex says in a small voice like a child being told off. He is a child after all, he acts so immature all the time and I never, never should have let myself get involved with him. 

"Yeah, fucking love it how you act like… like- This is my house. Mine! You- You need to get out," I shout at him. I admit, I may be overreacting but he tests my temper in ways that no one ever has before. 

He takes one step towards me and his lip quivers like he might cry. He clenches his fists and no, he won't cry. He's furious with me. "Win," he says shortly.

"Huh?"

"Win," he says again now at eye level with me, so close to me that I may as well be breathing in his oxygen. "Short for Winston," he continues and my heart skips a beat. I don’t wanna think about that right now. "Winston, the guy you think about when you fuck me. And also your best friend's boyfriend."

Winston was mine first, Alex doesn't know anything. He doesn't so he should sit down and shut his mouth before one of us does something that we regret. 

I let him continue without interrupting. Whatever he thinks he knows, it doesn't matter. There's nothing he can do with this information. "Does Holden know that you're in love with his boyfriend?" 

Alex has never been intimidating and even now, he doesn't scare me. He's a sad pathetic little kid who lies and manipulates people to get his way. He's just that and that's all I need to think when I look at him. 

"Get out," I say a little louder. What's he gonna do? Tell Holden? The worst that can happen is Holden knows and asks me about it. It happened a long time ago and Holden is reasonable so he really wouldn't care. Best case scenario? They break up. Alex would be doing the world a favour. 

He barges my shoulder when he walks past, acts pissed like he won't be back here tomorrow begging to suck my cock like he always does. 

"And don't come back!" The door slams shut, so hard that the whole house shakes. It's for the best, at least now he'll leave me alone. 

Now that I'm alone, I try to put the furniture back to where it used to be. The kitchen is untouched and I hope that that's the case with my bedroom. 

It all seems to be in order, maybe I don't have to kill Alex just yet. After all, I might get lonely soon and he's the only one willing to be in the same room as me without making it awkward. He'll come back for sure. 

Nick was driving for hours, it's dark outside now but I don't feel tired just yet. I hate sleeping alone in this giant house, I always wake up alone after dreaming about him and every time that happens it feels real all over again. 

I tell myself to get a grip and that it was eighteen fucking months ago, why am I still crying over it? But I've never wanted something like I want him. Now that I don't have him I realise he's the only person who ever truly understood me properly. He made me feel things no one else could but most of all, he just made me feel safe. I never wanted him to leave me. No, he didn't leave me. I left him and that's the reason why this is so fucked up. 

I hate thinking. I hate being alone. I hate this house. All I can do around here is think. So I pick up a book, sit in the living room and I turn the radio on and blast it to full volume. Anything to stop myself from thinking about him. He already made his choice and his choice is Holden. I don't understand it, I never will but if that's what he wants… 

I can move on too. 

The book is something I got from the second-hand book shop down by the pier. I picked it because I thought the cover looked nice, it's just a dark alleyway with what looks like a creepy pair of red eyes staring in the distance. Generic. 

I soon realise that I don't understand a thing about what's going on in the book. Firstly because I can't concentrate over the roar of the radio and secondly… this book is a sequel. I put my head in my hands and I sigh softly. Only an idiot like me would do this.

Nevertheless, I force myself to finish the book. I deserve it for picking it up. My eyes scan over the pages and my brain takes in the words until my head feels heavy… my eyes grow tired and the light seems to dim… 

***

I'm starting to understand why people like happy endings. I don't really watch films, they're all shit nowadays. Either too exaggerated to get a reaction out of the audience or they always end in those sickly sweet happy endings that may as well say 'and everyone lived happily ever after'. 

I despise nothing more than those ending. It never felt real, felt like it was giving people false hope for something that was impossible. I think happy endings suck. Correction, put that into the past tense. 

I look at the clock and it's almost one in the afternoon. I've been sleeping for a long time. 

The first thing I do, the hardest thing I do, I gather up all the paintings I have of him. Six months worth of heartbreak and anger and disappointment and hope. All goes up in flames in my back garden. I shove it all into an old metal container, I think it was left here by the last owners because why the hell would I need something like this? I stay there, shivering in the slightly cold air as I watch Winston’s face melt and the paper turn to ash. I’ve been here since July and… Six months. Eighteen months altogether. Please tell me I’ll get over him one day.

I can’t imagine living my days like this, mourning every single second like it’s still fresh. I close my eyes and stay in the cold long after the paintings turn to ash and the ash cools down. I try to imagine myself in a few years life, new house, new job, maybe even a new guy. And I imagine us laying in bed, his back to me and me telling him about this boy I once loved, how it fucked me up. And I keep on apologising and I keep telling him that I was so broken over it I thought I’d die. Then he’d comfort me, saying that it’s all over but his voice has no sound, no tone. The man turns around but he has no face, he’s no one. Even my own imagination knows I’ll never find someone to replace him.

I clean out the rest of his shit too. There’s the yellow shirt, the one that bear witness to the first time I kissed him. I can’t have that either but the minute I think about it going up in flames, I feel sick. I fold it up and neatly place it into an empty cardboard box in my closet. Maybe it hurts thinking about him, but this memory is one of the good ones and we don’t have many of those. I’m not throwing it away.

The letters… His letters to me. I know I shouldn’t read them, I always end up sobbing in my bed whenever I read those perfect sentences in his perfect handwriting. The pages are worn out from the number of times I’ve smoothed over them, traced the words with my finger while whispering them to myself. His words to me. 

There’s an ‘I miss you’ somewhere near the end and my heart skips a beat even though it’s an ‘I miss you’ aimed at a different Monty - one from about twenty months ago. The Monty who thought he had it all figured out and that it was all going to go great. It makes me sick to think that I actually believed that. Me, happy? Yeah right.

I toss the letters into the box too and then I put a lid on it. You’d think I’d have more of his stuff from all those times we spent together. I do actually have a picture of him, one I snapped at the zoo. ‘ _ Suffering at the Zoo’  _ is written on the back of the photo in black marker. Winston gave it to me after he developed all his photos for that college project. 

Winston, a college student. Seems like a lifetime ago.

Anyway, about the photo. I keep it under my pillow, sometimes I think that’s the cause of my nightmares. I keep having to remind myself that this is a deep clean, getting rid of him and boxing him away completely. Storage. The memories will stay with me but I don’t have to keep torturing myself by going over them.

So the photo ends up in the box too and then it’s away, safely hidden in the back of my closet behind some shoes I don’t wear.

There’s a knock on the door. Loud and angry. Alex. He’s here to apologise, tell me that he’s sorry for once again overstepping the boundaries. And I’ll pretend to be mad at him and then I’ll watch as he tries to think of ways to make me forgive him. We’ll probably end up fucking, the question is where.

I wait long enough to hear the second knock, even louder. I’ve punished him long enough, I don’t wanna make him wait. And after the long day I’ve just had… I wouldn’t mind thinking about someone else for a change.

“Come to apolo-” 

But the guy in front of me is taller than Alex, darker hair and eyes and his jawline is stronger, more defined just like the lines around his mouth. 

"Winston."

I spent months waiting for this moment, waiting for him to show up one day and… there were many reasons why but it always ended on a positive note when I played it out in my head. 

I've seen him a month ago and that doesn't change the fact that my heart goes wild when I look at him. Randomly seeing him at a bar is different than seeing him on my doorstep. He made an effort to see me. 

He got my address somehow. Maybe he asked around, asked about  _ me.  _ He’s here to see  _ me _ . And suddenly it doesn’t matter that he’s dating my former best friend or that he hasn’t been in touch in eighteen months or that he broke my heart in ways I didn’t think were possible. None of it matters.

I hold the door open and invite him inside without saying a word. Please come in, please stay here and please don't go back to Holden. Just stay for once. Stay for  _ me. _

He takes a small step inside then another and he takes it all in, the house that could have been ours if things played out differently. I planned it out with him, this - all of it- it was supposed to be ours. 

The place isn't something you'd see in the architecture magazines, it still needs to have a lot of work done but I'm working on it. I have a lot of free time and zero motivation but I’m gonna get it done one day. The furniture, as well as the faded flowery wallpaper, is out of date, left from the previous owners and I didn't care enough to change it. Sure, I got the house but I don’t wanna clutter it with my shit, it was supposed to be  _ our _ place. Now it just feels artificial. Like a set used for a TV show, a fake living room set up for a scene where two people reunite after a lot of heartbreak. I’m rambling again, I know I am.

I lead him into the living room that I'm in the middle of rearranging and he still doesn't say a word. I was supposed to sort the living room out but I fell asleep and then I spent the rest of the day trying to get rid of.. Him. And now he’s at my house. Just us. Alone in a big house. I was ready to move on, what are you doing to me?

Now in the light, I can see that his eyes are red and puffy. He's been crying and my first thought is Holden found out and broke up with him. I hate how happy that makes me. Why is that my first thought? Because it’s all I’ve been able to think about, however, I doubt Winston would shed a tear if Holden left him. He could go running back to me and I wouldn’t hesitate to have him. The way it’s supposed to be.

I walk in between the couch and table that I haven't gotten the chance to move yet and I stand in the kitchen doorway. "Tea? Coffee?" I ask like it's normal for him to show up here. It feels so weird l that I almost laugh. It's like one of those fever dreams you have when nothing that happens makes much sense to you. Sure, act normal, act like you haven’t spent the day trying to get him out of your head.

"Why did you come back?" That's the first thing he says to me. I don't know if I've got something muddled but  _ he's _ the one who just turned up at my doorstep. I think I should be the one asking him that question. After all those months, why did he decide to come now? 

I step away from the kitchen and move closer to my favourite armchair. Then it clicks, does he mean why did I come back  _ here _ ? Maybe he wanted me to stay in LA. He must be finished with his photoshoot now, maybe he went back to Anders hoping to talk to me only to find out I’ve gone back to Nevada. It would make sense.

“Sorry?” I try and I put my hands in my pockets. They might be sweating a little, I don't’ want him to see. One visit on my doorstep and I’m already nervous as fuck.

“You,” he says in an accusatory tone with his cold eyes staring straight at me. He had trouble looking at me back in California and now he’s… Now he’s looking straight at me and I feel my stomach twist. He looks away and sucks in his bottom lip. Is there gonna be more to his sentence or is it my turn to speak? We were always a mess when we tried to work together.

“ _ What  _ about me?” I ask him and I sit down in the armchair with a sigh. This is gonna be a long long long night. Either one of us mans up and tells the other exactly what he wants from the other or we’re gonna be going in circles all over again.

Winston scoffs. He rocks on his heels and then he sits down on the other couch, almost sitting on my book in the process. He glances at the cover, back at me and then raises his eyebrows. “Wow. You weren’t kidding when you said all you do is read and paint,” he says but just because the topic’s changed, doesn’t mean that his tone has. It’s still cold and slightly accusatory like there’s something evil about reading.

I look at the clock on the wall. Almost nine. It’s late. “What… Is there a reason why you’re here?” I ask trying to make my tone sound as neutral as possible, not annoyed or even hopeful, just neutral like this is an interview.

“No, I just had five hours to spare and decided to take a drive here to see if you lied about reading,” Winston bites back and I frown. What the hell is his problem? He’s in  _ my _ house, he’s lucky I’m not kicking him out. No, I could never do that. But I think I’m allowed to ask a question. 

Winston then leans back in the couch and he seems to relax. He’s tense and snappy, something’s up. Maybe I make him tense and snappy. He seemed fine around Holden and the other guys, it’s just with me that he seems to be so… irritated. Am I surprised? I promised him all those things and then I broke it off. He has a right to hate me.

“Nice place,” he says carelessly like he couldn’t really care about my ‘place’ but he just wants to say something for the sake of conversation. He obviously doesn’t mean it as his eyes scan over the mess, the table that’s at an awkward angle as well as the couch. And no one’s hovered the rug or swept the floor in a while. The dust on the fireplace is there too, Alex really didn’t do much good.

“Sorry, I know it’s a mess,” I apologise and I run my hand over my face. I should really start taking care of this place. But this mess is all on Alex. “Alex, he…” I say and then I scoff just remembering my conversation with him. He was threatening me, definitely was. Fucking dumbass. 

“Alex,” Winston repeats after me and then he raises his eyebrows. He doesn’t look impressed. He bites his lip and then he laughs even though there’s nothing funny about this. He’s not looking at me, he’s staring straight past me and at the bookshelf behind me. “What do you even see in him? How can you  _ like _ him?” Winston rants and my eyes widen. Is he… jealous? No, why would he be? He sounds it though. Very much. "He's just so… bland. Unspecial." Winston's brow furrows and then he shifts his gaze and his eyes land on me. He's said too much and he blushes, it's like he didn't even realise what he said until now. He's jealous. Winston is jealous of Alex. I don't know if I should laugh at how ridiculous that sounds or smile because… well he's jealous and that must mean something. 

"What do you care who I sleep with?" I counter. I want him to go on, to talk more, ramble on, let his tongue slip and tell me what he's really thinking… I wanna know all of it. I just gotta know how to provoke him first. I clear my throat and I stare straight at him. "I don't get mad at your for fucking my best friend." Former best friend, but that doesn't sound as brutal. 

I don't understand what's happening at first when he blushes even harder and bows his head. My first thought is that he's embarrassed, doesn't want to talk to me about sex… maybe? And then it hits me. 

"You mean…?" I interrupt the silence and Winston immediately looks up at me and glares. I feel my pulse picking up, my body sweating, my face increasing in temperature. Winston just sighs and he looks away again. Do I dare to push it? "Oh. Why?"

From what I remember, he wasn't some innocent little boy. He wanted sex, he wanted cock, he wanted me. Now I'm out of the equation and Holden's my substitute, it's not the same, is it? 

"I… I don't know…" Winston says after a second just when I was ready to move on because the silence was starting to hurt my head. He doesn’t know. More like he doesn’t wanna tell me. Why is he even here? I stare at him until he bows his head and speaks again. “I just don't feel ready yet.”

He shrugs like it’s that simple but he won’t look me in the eyes. He doesn’t feel ready to be with Holden? And assuming he didn’t feel ready to be with anyone else either… I’m the last person he fucked. Not even the other way around, he fucked me and I let him and I liked it and I wouldn’t think twice if he offered again. Yes yes yes.

My heart starts to thud just thinking about it, remembering what it was like, having him standing behind me, pushing inside… Good God. 

He must be thinking about it too because the second he looks up, he blushes bright red and both of us look away. That just confirms what I thought I knew, he hasn’t slept with anyone since he slept with me. And I… I’ve been stupidly trying to replace him with Alex.

What are we talking about? Winston. Holden. Sex. Right. “You've been together for almost a year,” I say and I clear my throat. This is a normal conversation, a conversation between two normal people. Start acting like one. 

“You don’t think I know that?” Winston scoffs and he turns back to me again. At least he can look at me now. But even just looking at each other while sitting on completely different couches… Tension. Tension because we can’t pretend we didn’t think about it - it’s fresh in both our heads now, the memories from so so long ago. Seems like a dream, too good to be true.

“I told him I’m waiting until marriage,” Winston then mumbles and I’m so distracted that I barely catch it. But I do and the minute I comprehend what he just said, I burst out laughing. “Don’t laugh at me!” Winston scolds me but I can’t take him seriously anymore. Waiting until marriage, that’s a good one.

I keep laughing until tears form in my eyes. It’s not even funny, I’m just relieved and… it’s nice to be able to laugh with him again. Even Winston is smiling now. I wipe my eyes, still grinning just thinking about Winston ‘waiting until marriage’. Holden can’t honestly think he’s a virgin.

“It’s just that… I tried. But I can’t bring myself to… do it,” he says like he’s a teenager talking about sex for the first time ever. ‘It’. I wouldn’t call what we did, ‘it’ - it was so much more. But I guess that’s the whole reason why he can’t sleep with Holden. I want to think the obvious - he’s clearly not over me. But it’s just my head getting muddle up again and I just burned all my paintings of him… I don’t wanna go through that cycle again. It’s better not to assume anything.

“Fair enough. You shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to,” I say just because it seems appropriate. Want him to know that I’m not judging, he can do whatever he likes whenever he likes. I just wish it was with me.

Winston gives me a small nod, an obvious sign that he doesn’t wanna talk about it anymore. Wants to move on. He looks around my living room once again. This time he really takes it all in as his eyes scan over the wallpaper that’s peeling off at the edges, the framed photos that mean nothing to me, pictures of pretty flowers and dogs. This isn’t a home, it’s a hiding place. 

Winston looks down again and he laughs shortly. “When Anders said you moved to Nevada… I pictured more of a Las Vegas kind of vibe,” Winston jokes and then he looks around again. Well, this certainly isn’t Las Vegas. Winston speaks again before I can start overthinking again. When did he ask Anders? Six hours ago or Six months ago? How long did he know?

“Thought you were… drinking every night, gambling, partying, hooking up with people whose names you didn’t know… living your life,” Winston continues and even though he says this with a smile, he sounds sad. He is sad, I can tell. I want to sit next to him, be close to him, touch him in some way and… No. No no no no. Stay where you are.

“That’s why I never called,” Winston goes on and he looks down at his feet. The smile disappears as well as the act he was putting on for me. He’s sad, I’m sad, we’re both sad. We make each other sad. And yet I’ve never been as happy as I was when I was with him. 

“You should have called,” I say quietly when I realise he’s waiting for a response. I can’t tell you how many days I wasted just by sitting next to the phone or the letterbox just waiting… waiting for him to respond. I tried to get in touch. Sent one letter, thought he didn’t get it so I sent another. He never replied and I was  _ still  _ waiting.

I do the maths in my head while he sighs and leans back. Six months. He’s been with Holden for… Twelve months. New years. Or whatever, they met then. I’ve been in Nevada for six. I may be bad at maths but I can see that he was thinking about me while he was still with Holden. And he’s admitting it so shamelessly. Almost like he  _ wants  _ me to know that he couldn’t get over me.

I could never tell him how hard it is to get over him. How much I cried, how many days I spent lying in bed or all those hours I sat and stared blankly at the wall while I replayed every single second I spent with him in my head. I don’t want him to know that part of me. Don’t want him to know how much he fucked me up because that’s how much power I gave him. And he never even did anything, it was all my doing.

“I thought you were…” Winston squirms uncomfortably in his seat and he pushes his hair back. It’s the same length as it was when we went away for the weekend, when he wore that blue shirt, when he wrote those letters in the sand… Obviously, I’m not the only one who likes his hair that way. 

“Thought you didn’t give a shit about me. That you already forgot, probably found someone else… And I didn’t wanna seem desperate when it looked like you had clearly moved on,” he finishes and he avoids my gaze. This happened in the past six months. Could he still feel that way?

“Desperate?” I almost laugh and I shake my head. Winston looks up, his brows knitting together and I scoff at him. “Desperate?” I repeat. All this… The not talking, ignoring each other, the sleepless nights… all because he didn’t want to look desperate. Wanted to save his dignity. But what is dignity anyways?

I stand up now, feeling fed up with him. I look around like I’m looking for an escape route but there is none. He’s got me trapped again. He stands up too and it’s not sadness I see on his face anymore - it’s panic. Maybe even anger.

“It’s not like you made an effort either,” he scoffs and he raises his eyebrows at me. Excuse me? I stare at him, unable to say any words. It’s like I completely lost the ability to speak. And look at us, five minutes and we’re already fighting. This is how it’s always gonna be and I should remember that. I should remember that.

“I wrote to you!” I shout at him but it’s mostly just out of panic. I made an effort, he can’t say I didn’t.

“Two letters,” he says and he crosses his arms over his chest protectively. There he is, putting his walls back up again. I made him do that. Why do I always fuck it up without even trying? He sighs deeply and then licks his lips as I wait for him to explain. “You wrote me two letters. One in July and one in August. That’s it. Nothing after that.”

July was when Leeya finally admitted that the baby wasn’t mine, I wrote to him straight away. Thought it was all gonna go back to normal. It didn’t, so I wrote again in August. With much more detail and just pleading him to answer back. I lost my last shred of dignity writing that letter but I didn’t care, I chose him over my dignity. He couldn’t do the same.

“What did you want me to do? _ Beg _ you to come back?” I scoff at how ridiculous that sounds. I wrote to him, told him I needed him, that I was sorry, that I was… a lot of things. He never replied and I didn’t want to bother him with more and more letters if he was never going to respond anyway.

Winston rolls his eyes. His arms drops by his slides, no longer guarding himself - giving up. “Monty…” he sighs and rubs his temples like he’s starting to get a headache from all this. I might throw up. “How many times do I have to tell you that it fucking  _ hurt? _ ” He’s not angry, not one bit. Which is why I hate this, please just shout at me. “And it was still fresh. A month or two. You really expected me to go running back to you after one  _ fucking _ letter?”

“Two,” I correct him and his face hardens and he clenches his jaw and he glares at me like he wishes he didn’t come here. Now he’s angry.

Don't provoke him Monty, don’t fucking do it. I’m better than that.

I sit back down with a sigh while Winston towers over me. A short memory flashes into my mind, us at the hotel room, me making fun of his height. It was good back then.

“Winston…” I say softly and he bites down on his lip. The worrying starts again, staring at one another, hoping one of us is going to say it. And we don’t know what ‘it’ is, we just know we’re both thinking shit that we’re not saying out loud. Time to ask him what I’m really thinking.

“Why are you here?”

He blinks and for a second he looks confused like he doesn’t know himself. Then he straightens up. “I haven’t told Holden everything. I just wanted to make sure you stayed quiet about it too. I don’t want him to know.”

Sure. Okay. Holden. That’s what he’s here for. Such a good boyfriend he is.

He says my name and I sigh. “I won’t tell him,” I mutter. What’s the point? He’d end up hating me more and that’s not the result I want.

We stand there awkwardly, it’s my house and I’m more out of place than he is. He starts messing with his hands while I stare down at the dirty rug. Really should start taking care of this place. That’s a good enough excuse to kick him out, right?

“I, uh… I gotta clean this place up a little. Alex moved the furniture so...” I tell him after standing up. I take a few steps forward hoping he’ll oblige and start walking towards the door. He stays right where he is. He’s not stupid, he knows I want him out of here.

“Okay, erm. Where do you want the couch?” he asks and he steps around me and goes over to the couch. Winston. I want to tell him exactly what I’m thinking. That I think he’s here because he wants to be here. He wants to say something, he wants  _ me _ to say something. That I miss him maybe? That I’m sorry? I can’t do it right now.

I told Nick I’d love to talk to him but now that he’s in front of me I can do it. It’s hard. And even harder knowing that he might not feel the same.

He avoids eye contact as he brushes his hand over the couch. He’s not gonna leave unless I push him out the door. “Just push it against the wall. Next to the bookcase,” I sigh. I give up, Winston wins once again.

He does and I help out, standing at the other end of the couch so we’re nowhere near each other. As it should be, distance between us. It’s too tempting.

I tell myself to kindly tell him that I want to be alone tonight as I hover the rug. The noise fills the empty silence, muddles with my head - must have muddled with my head because there’s no other explanation for what I do. “You can stay here if you like,” I blurt out after turning the hover off. The noise drowns me out and I hope that he didn’t hear, or he can pretend he didn’t hear. I’m fine with either.

I don’t turn around. He was just by the bookshelf sorting it out but I can hear his steps and I get goosebumps when he walks up behind me. I don’t feel it, I just know he’s standing behind me. Don’t you have a boyfriend, Winston? The one you’re so keen on hiding the truth from, that’s why you’re here, right? I wish I could say this but I don’t have the guts to. And if he’s able to forget about Holden for tonight… so am I.

“Er… It’s dark outside,” he states as he draws the curtains back and stares out of my window into the night. It is. Very dark. Darkness. You can’t see anything in the dark. It’s best to hide in the dark.

“I shouldn’t drive when it’s dark,” Winston continues. “And you don't seem to have many street lamps around here.” 

That's true. "Yeah, it'd be safer if you stayed," I agree with him with a firm nod like I'm only asking him to stay because I want him to be safe. But maybe, just maybe, all he needs is some time and he'll see that Holden isn't the one for him. 

He agrees to stay the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading :)  
> hope you liked it


	5. Death By a Thousand Cuts

**Chapter Five**

I toss and turn all night. Fragments of our conversation keep flooding my head, invading my thoughts, splitting me open. Making me want to scream. Leave me alone. 

Winston was gonna sleep on the couch, I told him I had the other room to spare. It's a two-bedroom house. "Alex's room?" he asked while taking off his shoes like he didn't really care but there was an edge to his voice. He cared. 

"No, he usually sleeps in my-" I stopped myself just in time but we both knew what I was going to say. I'm allowed. I'm single. He isn't. He shouldn't be here. Why did I let him stay here?

So now he's in the other bedroom. And all I can think about is that other night when he showed up at my door. Came to correct my spelling skills and then we ended up sleeping in the same bed, talking it all out. He wanted to do more than talk then I'm sure. 

I don't dare fall asleep. I keep waiting to hear footsteps or a floorboard creaking but there's nothing. I'm not gonna go there myself, he needs to make the move. I need to make sure he wants this. And I don't want him to hate me later and blame this on me, he didn't have to stay. He shouldn't have. 

I wonder if Holden knows where Winston is. Or if he's lying about that too. If you don't have trust in a relationship then you have nothing. Something Leeya screamed at me during an argument once. It's all gonna fall apart when Winston's dirty little secrets get exposed. And they will. It's just a matter of time. 

He's living a lie you know. He thinks he can be Winston Williams, Holden's boyfriend and then spend the night at my house. He's putting on a show, Holden is the facade. I'm the real thing beneath. Who's the backup option? Me or Holden? 

If I don't work out, he'll have Holden to fall back on. He can keep lying to him and live this perfect life of his. If Holden doesn't work out, he has me. And that's way too complicated for me to be thinking about at one in the morning. 

I'd text Nick but then he'd ask all those questions about Winston, he thinks that if I try to explain myself to Winston then we'll get back together. Not that we were together in the first place. I still doubt it. And anyway, Nick goes to bed early now. He's a working man. I admire him in a way. I still remember how I used to make his life harder when he was part of the crew. I don't think I apologized enough for that. 

A creak. A _ creak _ . I'm not making it up. It's there. Footsteps. Light ones. I hold my breath. I can tell they're his footsteps, he just has this way of walking. Maybe I'm just being stupid but I can tell his footsteps apart from everyone's else. Definitely obsessed. 

He walks right past my bedroom although there's a split second of hesitation. He walks past. The bathroom door opens, the lick flicks on. It closes. I breathe again. 

***

I must have fallen asleep at some point. Definitely not too long ago. I look at the time and it's almost nine in the morning. I feel like shit. Headache, eyes burning, groggy slow movements. But I have to get up. He's here. Winston is here. 

Not here as in my bedroom. But here as in my house. Unless he already left. I peel myself away from the pillows and I quickly wash my face. I don't look awake at all but I don’t wanna look like shit in front of him. 

A part of me is hoping that he left, then we won't have to do the awkward good morning and how did you sleep conversation. All that just for him to walk out on me again. Back to his boyfriend. So _ so _ loving boyfriend that he keeps lying to. 

I walk down the stairs, the third step creaks giving me away. Winston is in the living room. He's laying on the couch with his legs hanging off the armrest. He doesn't even notice me. He's reading. It's the same book I was reading yesterday and he seems focused on it. I liked it, I hope he does too. There's an empty mug on the table. Reeks of coffee and it wasn't there last night. He made himself at home. 

"Morning?" I say a bit uncertainly and he looks up. He actually looks surprised to see me. True, I'm not a morning person but I'm used to waking up early. Working for Anders, helping out Justin with his post-season bullshit like the interviews and the promos… he's on vacation now until February.

"Hey," Winston replies and he goes back to reading the book. Hey. Hey? Okay then.

The kitchen is a nice place to be, far away from Winston. He's wearing last night's clothes, his hair's a mess but he looks better than me. I had the decency to put clothes on, I'm not desperate enough to be trying to seduce him or something. I'm not a child. 

I put some bread in the toaster, get the orange juice out and take a sip before I change my mind and decide that it's actually coffee I want. I didn't sleep, coffee is all that's keeping me up on my feet.

I steal another glance at Winston while I'm walking back to the fridge to put the juice away. He's sitting cross-legged now, his left hand holding onto his ankle while his other hand firmly holds the book. The kettle boils and I stand there, waiting for the red light to stop blinking to tell me the water is ready.

In another time, a time where I was brave enough to tell him that I want him, a time where Leeya doesn't lie to me, a time where Winston isn't stubborn and appreciates that I tried to fix it. This would be our house. I'd wake up to him reading, maybe painting, I'd make coffee for both of us. 

_ I fill up both the mugs, look at him and he grins. This is our house. I take the two mugs and I place them down on the living room table. Such an ordinary thing to do but with him… not ordinary. He makes it special.  _

_ I lean down as I walk past and he puts the book away for a second. He doesn’t hesitate to press his lips to mine and I respond. "Morning," he mumbles with a half-smile and then he continues kissing me. He tastes like coffee, I taste like orange juice. Weird combinations always worked best for us.  _

"Fuck." I look down and my sock is wet, the floor is flooded with water. Water from the fucking kettle. I must have been daydreaming again, staring at the wall. I overfilled the mug and now there's water pouring down from the counter, flooding my floor. I reach for a paper towel but that's not enough, it turns to mush the second it touches the water. 

"You okay in there?" Winston calls out and I shout something back, something that's a mixture of 'I'm fine', 'all good' and 'everything's okay'. 

Tea towel. That helps. Except the mug is standing on the edge and I almost knock it off. Manage to push it back just in time. And burn my hand in the process. I hear Winston moving around in the living room but I don’t pay attention to him until I see him from the corner of my eye.

"Oh… shit," Winston comments and then- and then… then. His hand is on my hip and he's pulling me back. Away from the mess in my kitchen. It's a simple gesture to stop me from blistering my skin and maybe breaking the cup. I'm only this clumsy when he's around. 

But his hand stays there. For a good three seconds and my skin is already heating up, begging for more of his touch. Nothing compares. 

Then he nudges me out of the way, he's the responsible one, and he cleans the water up while I watch. I would help but I just stand there. I stand there and I watch. I'm already getting used to it. The ordinary feel of it all and how I could have had this if I tried. Winston was right, two letters wasn't enough. I only have myself to blame. 

I got to the bathroom like Winston tells me to. Anything to be away from him. Cold water. He told me to put my hand under the tap and let cold water run over my skin for a few minutes. I think it's too late, it's already gonna leave a mark. I do it anyway. 

When I come back from the bathroom, my hand is numb from the cold and it's as if nothing happened. The kitchen is clean and there's two fresh cups of coffee on the table. 

"How's your hand?" Winston asks and he leans forward like he's about to touch it but then he thinks better of it and he reaches for his coffee instead. 

"Alright," I say with a shrug. I sit down on the armchair, far away from Winston. My hand stings, the skin is slightly burnt but other than that, I'm sure I'll be fine. 

Winston clears his throat. I ignore him. If he wants to say something, if he wants my attention he's going to have to speak up. I'm not a mind reader, I don't know what he wants from me. 

"So where are the masterpieces that Alex spoke so highly about?" Winston asks playfully. I really am not in the mood for this. This game that he's playing. One second he reminds me how much he loves Holden and then the next he forgets about his boyfriend's existence. 

"They're just scribbles," I shut him down without looking up from my coffee. Fuck Alex for telling him about my paintings. And I couldn't show them to him even if I wanted to, It's all ash. But do I regret burning them? I don't. I don't feel guilty now when I talk to him. I've let a part of him go. 

Winston senses the change in my tone and he sighs. This time when he speaks, his tone is serious, his voice deep. "So is this where you're staying now? Or are you moving back to LA?" he asks and this time I look up. He's tapping his foot nervously. He can see that something's wrong. We were doing okay last night and now it's back to awkward. It's back to awkward because that one touch reminded me why I can't be around him. I keep telling myself that I've changed and that I can leave Winston alone to do whatever he pleases. Yet, there's this part of me, this one part, that wants me to fuck it all up for him. One step closer, lean in slightly, invade his personal space and he'd drop the act. There's only so long that a man can pretend for. We're not actors, we can't live our whole lives pretending. At least I'm a better actor than him. 

"Dunno," I say simply. On one hand, I've got my family in LA. Anders is there, my work is there, Nick is there. I like being in LA. But on the other hand, I'm all alone here. And I like being alone. Means that I can't fuck anything up. 

"Right," Winston says blandly. I'm not putting in any effort so he isn't either. That's the problem with us now. That's what changed. It's gonna stay that way until one of us decides to try harder and I don't want that person to be me. I never liked begging. 

Then the phone rings. It's on the table, the screen lights up and Alex's name appears. Both Winston and I stare at it. Neither one of us makes any attempt to answer it. 

"Aren't you going to-"

"Let it ring," I cut Winston off. I don’t wanna talk to Alex. He rolls his eyes and then leans back in the couch. He looks pissed for a reason that I don't understand. Suddenly he's rooting for Alex and me? I don't think so. And what is he even doing here? It's the next day now, the streets aren't dark. Why is he still in my house? Why is he still sitting opposite me drinking coffee out of  _ my _ mug? Why is he still making it so fucking _ hard _ for me to forget about him? 

He might not get it. But my brain sees him here, in this house that was meant to be ours and something clicks into place. We're together. He loves me back. This is one of many breakfasts that we're going to have in this house. He loves me  _ back _ . The brain is a complex thing, should be able to understand simple things like the fact that Winston would never love me back. He couldn't. It's impossible for anyone to love me. What's there to love? 

I scoff to myself and Winston looks up. I'm used to being alone now, arguing with my brain, sometimes I cry without realising. And now he's around and… 

"Shouldn't you be getting back to Holden?" I remind him before he can ask what I was thinking about. What would I reply to that? What our life together would look like? How I wouldn't be this fucked up if he loved me back? He knows it all and he doesn't care. He's in a healthy relationship now, remember? 

I shift in my seat, bite my lip subconsciously while Winston looks at me and then back at my phone. I already know what he's gonna say but I'm silently hoping he'll stay. He doesn't have to go back to that. That's not what he wants. He needs to do what he  _ wants _ to do. Needs to think about himself sometimes. And other times he should be thinking about me. Pick me over Holden. Please. 

"Yeah, I guess you're right," he says with a small nod and then he stands up. He waits there like he expects me to walk him out. I turn away. I've seen him walk away from me way too many times. I don't know if my heart is able to handle it one more time. 

So he sighs, doesn't even say goodbye. Doesn't say a word really. What's there to say? Nothing. It's too late to say anything. We missed our chances. We stayed quiet for so long that we learned to stay quiet. Nothing to talk about.

The door slams shut and I listen to the sound of the engine, the tires crushing the sand and then the low roar as he drives away. Once again leaves me. And once again, I got nothing out of it. Just got my heart broken all over again. Death by a thousand cuts. 

My phone vibrates again and I swear I'm about to launch it at the wall if it's Alex but it's not. It's Anders. It’s a link to something so I click on it. Immediately, it takes me to a website. A photoshoot. Pictures. Of Winston.

I put my phone down, tell myself not to look. He was just here and he chose his boyfriend over me. Which I’m not surprised about but… You can’t blame a guy for trying. 

I give, curiosity gets the better of me. So I pick my phone up again and I scroll through the pictures. He looks good. So fucking good. I didn’t know it was possible to look this good. And he even manages to pull off those shitty shoes. Everyone else would look like a clown in them. Not him. He isn’t everyone else. 

He’s shirtless in some of the pictures. Well not exactly shirtless but his chest is exposed. I remember kissing down his chest, my thumbs grazing over his ribs, going down and down and…

God that was so fucking long ago. 

There’s a few where he’s wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses. He looks hot. There’s no denying it. And he knows it too. The way he’s looking at the camera… It's like he was born for this. Born to be perfect.

I sit down, keep scrolling and analysing every single picture. I have all the time in the world. Then I come across one of the last pictures and my pulse picks up. He knows he’s hot. He goddamn _ knows _ it. And then I think back to that night. Hotel room. I told him he was cute and his response was ‘I know’. He knows. He didn't need me to tell him then and he doesn’t need me now.

His hand is sneaking into his trousers. It may just be a picture but it’s so much more than that. Intimate kind of. That shit sells. I’d buy it. Only because it’s Winston of course. And I don’t like it that anyone can see this because he was meant to be just mine. Just for me. And now he’s not a secret anymore. Not my secret.

I stare at the photo for a little longer than the other ones even though it’s the only one without his face in it. The last photo is the one that really throws me off. He’s wearing the necklace.  _ That  _ necklace. And then I’m back on that beach. Out of breath after running, Winston walking by my side and asking why I took it. I pressed the necklace into the palm of his hand and he smiled at me. Oh, how he smiled at me. And then we were at the beach. M + W written in the sand… 

Icarus. Flew too close to the sun. 

No wonder Winston came here. The minute I see that necklace it all comes rushing back to me. And the questions… God, there’s always so many fucking questions with him. Did he keep it? Did  _ he _ want to pose with it or did they make him? 

The wing of the angel rests on his bottom lip like the necklace means nothing to him. Like it’s just an accessory. But it can’t be. The necklace. It’s not just a necklace. It must have reminded him about everything. The good times and… the way we left things off. Not well.

He came here. Probably looking for some closure. I hope he got some because I didn’t. He always seems to have it worked out before I do.

I wonder if he sat opposite me, sat on my fucking couch and thought about kissing me. He didn't say anything but I bet his head was a million miles away. Maybe a hotel room where we sit on the floor and I try to teach him cards but he's useless at it. Or maybe we're standing beside that fountain, laughing and trying to catch our breaths after stealing a piece of jewellery that's pretty much junk...

***

Christmas is supposed to be the time of the year where you reconnect with people. Friends and family. I’m doing the exact opposite. Isolating myself like the idiot I am. It’s not that I don’t wanna spend it with friends. I just don’t wanna… spend it with anyone. If I can’t spend it with him then what’s the point?

All my Christmases have been shit so far. That’s not about to change. 

The only thing I regret is that I’ll be missing Leon’s first Christmas. I went to the post office last week to send him a parcel. I didn’t know what to get a kid like him but Leeya said he likes cars now. Ironic seeing as I hate the motherfucking vehicle.

It’s Christmas, the post office should be closed but I know it’s not. As if Mr St. George would miss out on a day of revenue. I’m only going because I’m hoping to see Charlie. I know the bastard is probably forcing his son to work so I wanna stop by, say hi and check if there’s any post for me in the meantime. Maybe a Christmas card. From an old friend.

I walk inside and there he is. Charlie. Standing by the till with a giant black eye and a cut on his cheek. My heart stops.

He doesn’t see me yet but he’s sorting through what looks like letters on his desk. I stand in the doorway, holding the door wide open and inviting the cold air inside. Then Charlie looks up.

And neither of us moves. I stare at him, he stares at me. His eye… His poor eye. I exhale through my nose, trying to make myself calm down and breathe. Don’t make a scene.

“It’s nothing,” Charlie says and his voice puts me in motion. I step inside, the door shuts behind me and I shake my head at him. It’s not nothing. He’s sixteen. A child. Children should be children. They shouldn’t have to go through this bullshit. No one should. It fucks you up.

“Charlie… what happened?” He looks away uncomfortably and I place my hands on the counter. “Talk to me.” I just wanna help him. I wanna make sure no one ever ends up like me. And this… this isn’t fucking okay.

“Promise not to tell anyone?” Charlie looks at me with innocent eyes. He’s scared. I’ve seen that look before. In the mirror. When fourteen-year-old me told myself it was just a one-time thing. Dad got angry and drunk but it was never going to happen again. It was _ never _ going to happen again. I was a naive child.

I nod and I lean forward. He knows he can trust me. And maybe he doesn’t  _ know _ it but I hope he feels like I understand him. I do.

“I, er, I forgot to lock the door last night,” he says and he bows his head. I frown, wrinkles appear on my forehead and I stare at my reflection in the glass. Forgot to lock the door. Such a simple  _ simple _ mistake. It always starts small. 

"Did anything...get taken?" I ask. Fuck I'll pay everything back. I don't wanna see this kid getting hurt for something so stupid. I'll pay back every cent. 

"No, no," Charlie answers with a small laugh and then he runs one hand through his hair. "Nothing got taken. I just left the door… unlocked." He smiles sadly. An unlocked door. This is such bullshit. I wanna help. But I know that Charlie would never let me. Nothing to do with me, but he's a kind person. It's obvious he loves his father. He wouldn't leave him.

"Have you had it checked out?" I ask. I care about his well-being. And I want to put an end to this but can I? I know nothing about this. About taking care of kids. Especially kids like Charlie with fathers like his. I can barely look after myself, nevermind another person.

“I cleaned it up,” he says with a small nod and I’m frowning again. This kid… he’s already better at being an adult than I am. But he  _ isn’t _ a fucking adult. Charlie’s a child and he needs someone to look after him properly.

“Charlie-”

“I’m fine.”

Does he think he’s the first person to try to pull this bullshit? Even I’ve done it. Teachers would ask where the bruises on my face would come from. ‘I fell’, I’d say. Always said I was fine and I never meant it. I didn’t grow out of that. And I know Charlie isn’t someone who likes to depend on others. Every kid like him is the same, thinks they can survive on their own. 

“I… if you ever need anything…” I look around and there’s the post-it notes. I take one and a pen. I write my number down and then I pass it to him. “Call me. Anytime.” It’s the only thing I can think of for now.

He looks at the number, bites his lip and looks up. “I don’t have a phone,” he adds and then his cheeks redden. 

“Not a problem,” I say without hesitation and then I dive into my pockets to look for my wallet. I know what it’s like to not have something that everyone else possesses. And then you’re the odd one out. I give him all the change I have. Just in case. And I’ve got loads of cash anyway, I don’t need it.

Charlie knows about the telephone booth that’s just a two-minute walk away from the post office. He knows where everything is. Including my house. And I don’t say much. I tell him to take care and then when I turn to walk out, he calls after me.

“Yes?” Maybe he’s smarter than I was at his age and he’ll ask for help. I’m counting on it.

“Erm, there’s a letter for you,” he says and he holds out a red envelope.

So then there’s that.

***

"Wave to uncle Monty!" I smile at the screen as Leon waves shyly and then quickly puts his hand down. I wave back. 

They look so domestic. So perfect. Anders with his Santa's hat, Leeya wearing a reindeer headband. And the little one with his Christmas sweater. His face is smeared with chocolate. It's only ten in the morning but I see Christmas is going well. And even though I can't be with them, a video call is good enough.

"Happy Christmas," I say and I settle into the couch. Anders holds the phone at arm's length and he smiles back at me. Look at him being the perfect dad.

"Merry Christmas to you too," Anders answers and then Leon stars squirming. "Wait, take over. I'll take Leon," Anders says and the phone gets passed to Leeya while he disappears with the toddler. 

"So... " I say when Leeya finally has the phone and there's no sight of the other two. 

"I was hoping you'd come," she says with a small smile. "To taste my pie, let me know if it's any good." I chuckle quietly and she continues. "You'll join us for New Year's though, right?"

New Year's. I shrug. I already know I won't be going. I just need some time here. To figure out what my next step is. Do I wanna go back to LA and work for Anders? Do I wanna start fresh in let's say, New York? Or maybe even move to Europe. Germany. I'd be close to Joey. 

New Year's. The one year anniversary of Winston and his boyfriend meeting each other. Or whatever. I haven't been thinking much about him. It's been so long. He moved on and we might never even see each other ever again. And that's okay. I can live with that. It'll be hard but… I just want him to be happy. He knows what's best for him. 

"Please, Monty," Leeya goes on and her tone is serious now. "You shouldn't be alone on New Years."

"I won't be," I say but I convince neither of us. Even Alex isn't around anymore. He came by on my birthday and knocked on the door. Said he needed to talk but I ignored him. I haven't heard from him since. I spent my birthday alone, Christmas alone and I'll spend New Year's alone too. 

"Wait a second. I think that's Justin," Leeya interrupts my thoughts and I raise an eyebrow in question. "We invited him for Christmas," she explains. "He doesn't have… Anyone else."

I nod, letting her know that she doesn't have to explain. I understand. I know I’m not being replaced.

I have to wait a few minutes for Justin to get invited in and then Leeya passes the phone to him while she goes to check in on the pie. He talks with me, asks me how I'm doing and says that he misses me which takes me by surprise. I thought  _ I _ was supposed to be asking him that. But he's a good kid. He cares. 

"So when are you… coming back?" Justin asks unsurely. I bite my lip. What do I even tell him? I didn't think he'd need me, Anders can just give him another manager. But we work well together...

"I'll be there before pre-season starts," I assure him. When does pre-season start again? It's February, right? I'll ask Anders when he has time. But two months should be enough to help me get my shit together. And I guess that means I’ve decided that I’ll be moving to LA.

I clear my throat and the red envelope laying on the table catches my eye. Joey. I thought maybe… No. Just Joey and his fiance wishing me a Merry Christmas.

It's a miracle that Joe is actually settling down. Anders is too. Holden… I guess he is too. And then there’s me. 

***

The days between Christmas and New Years are always a bit hazy. It's that period of time where we're all waiting for something. That new beginning. So we sit and wait. 

But I've been sitting and waiting for months now, it's nothing new for me. I spent the days reading book after book. My collection was neither interesting nor large so it required me going to town and investing in a few books. I'll miss this place. 

Now that I’m sure I’m moving back to LA, I had to make another decision. I'm selling the house. Or at least I plan to. I haven't told anyone yet. But I'm certain of it. 

Then there's Charlie. I don't wanna leave him behind because if anything happens to him… I visit him daily on the pretence of checking if I have any mail. There haven't been any new bruises on his face. His eye is still healing, turning an ugly mixture of purple and yellow. 

You'd think someone would ask what happened but I've seen the people at the post office. They see the black eye and they look away. No one wants to be in anybody's business. Precisely why I liked this place. It's friendly but secret, no one asks too many questions. Like I said, I'll miss it. 

And I'll have to figure out what to do with Charlie. 

Someone's knocking on the door. I recognise it. Nick's signature knock. I told him he didn't have to come but he could stop by if he wanted to. Spending New Year’s alone is a little dramatic even for me. And I bet he's only here because he prefers spending New Year’s with me than with his family or his roommate. 

"Hello," he says with a big grin when I open the door and then he holds up a brown paper bag. "I got us Chinese." Good because I haven’t eaten all day. Not that I’ll tell him that. So I invite him inside and the place is a lot cleaner than it was last time. Even Nick notices and comments on it.

“I was just keeping myself busy,” I say and he takes his shoes off by the door. I’ve been doing a lot of things to keep myself busy. Like googling what to do when you know someone who’s in an abusive household. I’m not letting Charlie stay with him.

Nick nods. He walks in and sets the bag down on the table before turning to me again. “Should I get plates?” he asks and I shrug.

“Sure. Why not.” I say and then I sit down on the couch. “And forks.” Nick knows his way around the house. He also knows I wanna sell it. He knows more than anyone. I’ve told him things that I’d never dream of saying out loud. It’s easy now, he never judges me.

Nick returns with plates, forks and cups with apple juice. The armchair remains empty as Nick seats himself next to me. “How was Christmas?” he asks while he goes through the bag and sets out the food. 

I shrug. “It was alright.” It was like every other day pretty much. Except there was a Christmas tree at the supermarket when I went to get more coffee. That was my Christmas. “What about you?”

He gets some sauce on his thumb and licks it clean. I hate that I find it attractive. He told me he’s not interested and I still… “Eh, it was fine,” he says simply and then passes one of the plates to me. “Just visited my family.”

“Only child?”

“One sister.”

"Hmm." I pick up my fork, open the foil wrap and then I pick through the food with my fork. "I have a sister too." One that I haven't spoken to in years. I don't even know if she's alive. I haven't been in touch with my family for so long. 

"Oh. What's her name?" Nick asks. I don't answer. I stuff my mouth with food instead. Why did I even bring her up? I shouldn't have. I keep chewing and Nick clears his throat. "So my dad's a big soccer fan. Asked about you. Wanted to know how you were doing after breaking your leg."

I don't wanna talk about soccer. "Is your dad ginger too?" Nick laughs and then he nudges me. 

"Shut up." He eats his noodles with a smile on his face. I'm smiling too. Maybe this isn't so bad after all. It really isn't. I love talking to him. He makes me feel normal. Like the way I used to feel when I was with Winston.

So even after the food is gone, we keep talking. Topic after topic gets covered. The conversation is light, nothing that makes me think too much. I lay down on the couch, my head on the armrest and my legs in Nick's lap. His hand is on my knee. He keeps moving his thumb across my kneecap. I love it.

My stomach is full, Nick keeps talking, telling me something but all I can focus on is the sound of his voice. He makes me sleepy. I haven’t slept properly in a while but I feel like I could. Of course I want to fall asleep on the one day of the year where it’s acceptable to stay up all night.

I look at the clock. Ten minutes until midnight. A thought passes through my head. Wonder what Winston’s doing. And then I quickly forget about it because I don’t care. He doesn’t have the guts to tell me what he wants or to stop lying to his boyfriend. I’m done chasing after him.

“You wanna go out?” I ask Nick when it’s quiet again and he cocks his head to the side. “Fireworks. I heard they were setting them off at the beach. Charlie said.”

Slowly, I sit up and Nick blinks like he’s trying to figure out if he wants to go or not. Then he smiles at me. “Sure. It sounds fun.” 

It takes us a minute to get dressed. I can’t find my shoes and Nick can’t find his gloves (turns out he left them in his car) so I let him borrow mine and then we’ve got four minutes left till midnight.

“We’re gonna have to make a run for it,” I tell him once we’re outside and I’m still pulling my hat over my head. It covers my eyes and when I push it away from my eyes, Nick is biting his lip nervously.

“Shouldn’t we lock the door?”

“Nah, it’ll be fine.” We’ll only be away for a couple of minutes. It’s a small town, nothing bad can happen. And if anyone does break in, I won’t be missing anything that’s in here. 

So we run. There’s sand everywhere and it gets in my shoes, Nick slips several times and I have to hang onto his arm and drag him along with me while he laughs. We hang onto each other to make sure he doesn’t fall again. 

We’re out of breath once we get to the beach. And we’re not the only ones who decided to come. There’s a couple of us. About thirty maybe forty people. It’s a tight-knit community that I’m not really part of. But I try. At least it won’t hurt me that much when I leave it all behind.

“I like it here,” Nick says with twenty seconds to go and he looks down. I see he’s written something in the sand with a twig. He quickly wipes the writing away with his shoe before I can read it. And my mind immediately goes to-

“I like it here too,” I say with a small smile. Nick nods and then the countdown begins. It’s embarrassing. Only a couple of them chant but they keep laughing and so the shouting turns to laughter. I might not join the countdown but I do laugh. And Nick laughs with me and for the first time this year, I feel hopeful.

And then it’s the next year and I still feel good, I’m still smiling and the fireworks explode above our heads. Bursts of colour that make me grin even wider, Nick laughs and fuck… I forgot what it was like to feel alive.

***

Someone shakes me awake and I groan because I’ve just had one of the best dreams yet. Wasn’t about Winston. Or Leeya. Or even Nick. It was just about me. And I was happy. Had a small-

“Monty,” Nick whispers and he continues to shake me awake. I frown and then I get blinded by a light getting shoved in my face. “You left your phone downstairs. It keeps ringing.” Nick fell asleep on the couch and I didn’t have the heart to wake him up. I covered him with a blanket and then I went to sleep in my own room. I forgot about my phone.

I see two missed calls from an unknown number the second my eyes adjust to the light. Nick stays by my side and he chews on his bottom lip while he observes me. Then the phone rings again. I have no idea who it could be but I answer anyway. They’ve called me three times now, must be important.

It is important.

“Hello? Is this Monty?” someone asks and I recognise the voice immediately. Charlie. I sit up. Fully awake now and Nick is staring at me with a furrowed brow trying to work out what’s so important.

“Yes, yeah. Hey, it’s me,” I say quickly when I find my voice and Nick sits down on the edge of the bed. ‘Winston?’ he mouths and I shake my head. “What do you need? Is everything okay?” My head’s already full with a thousand possibilities and none of them are good. He sounds so fucking scared and I hate it. I wanna help. I  _ need _ to help.

It’s two in the morning. Charlie sighs shakily like he’s not sure where to start. But I know what this is about. He wouldn’t be calling me this late if it was about something else.

“Are you- Are you home? Or are you out of town again?” he asks as casually as he can but his voice is  _ shaking _ . My heart clenches in my chest. He knows I was out of town last month. A full month. I wonder if anything happened then. _ Did _ anything happen? Maybe he needed me, came to my house and I…

“I’m here. I’m home,” I answer and then I press my lips together. Nick is still staring at me and he scratches the side of his head.

“Okay…” Charlie says quietly and then he exhales. “Can I come over? Is that okay?”

“Yeah, of course,” I answer. He should know that he can trust me and I’ll always be here to help him. Even if I don’t live here anymore. My head is spinning but I try to stay as calm as I can. There’s no reason to make Charlie worry.

“Okay. Thank you. I’ll be there soon.” And then the line goes dead. I put my phone down on the bed and Nick licks his lips.

“Well?”

How do I even explain this? I don’t have time. I get out of bed, heading for my closet to put something warmer on. Chills keep running through my body. “Remember Charlie? The kid I told you about?” Nick nods. “He needs my help.”

He doesn’t need to hear any more. He leaves me to get dressed and says he’ll make tea for all of us. Might be a good idea. I don’t want to think about Charlie. What state is he in? I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

I couldn’t have been prepared for _ this.  _ About five minutes later there’s a knock on the door and when I open it, Charlie stands at my doorstep. His arm is bent at an awkward angle. I can’t think. 

“Jesus Christ,” I breathe out and Charlie looks away guilty. I need to make him feel better, not worse. I’m not fucking trained for this. So I gesture for him to come inside and he does. He doesn’t look up to meet my eye.

Nick is in the living room. He stands up when Charlie walks in and he freezes. “Your arm-”

“I fell,” Charlie says quickly and he holds his arm to his chest protectively. “It’s nothing.” I’ve heard that before. Charlie glances at me unsurely, he doesn’t know Nick. Doesn’t trust him.

“Nick’s a friend,” I tell him and then I place my hand on Charlie’s back. “You wanna sit down? Nick can take a look at your arm.” It’s obviously broken. But Charlie sits down and lets Nick take a look. Just a glance.

“So?” he asks nervously and he looks to me for an answer. He doesn’t know what to think of Nick just yet.

“We gotta get you to a hospital,” Nick answers, staying the obvious and then both of them look at me for approval. The nearest hospital is more than an hour away. This sure is an interesting start to the new year.

“Yeah, erm. You can drive right?” I aim the question at Nick and he gives me a quick nod. Charlie looks panicked. He doesn’t wanna go to a hospital and he doesn’t wanna talk about what happened. He needs reassurance. “You’ll be okay.”

He will be. I’ll take care of it.

_ End of Part One _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for readinggg :)  
> and things are kinda gonna pick up from here, Monty is finally growing up and I don't feel like hurting him anymore. for now


	6. Growth

**Chapter Six**

Charlie looks good. Healthy. He had his cast taken off today so of course I had to see him. It's been about eight weeks since he got it. I remember how scared he looked, he kept looking at me and asking me what was going on when the doctors whispered in between each other because I had to admit that I wasn't Charlie's relative. 

I'm still not. I tried to adopt the kid because… I wanted to. I really did. I was ready to do it, so fucking ready. Ready to give up everything to look after him. Anders put an end to that idea pretty quickly. He brought me back down to the harsh reality. I could never adopt. Not with a history of substance abuse, anger issues, violence and my past… they'd dig up everything and there would be no way that they'd let Charlie live with me even if that was the safer option. Why is it that the shitty fathers always get away with this bullshit? 

He might get away with it. Might. I'm trying to make sure that doesn't happen. If Charlie can't stay with me then he should at least be able to live with his aunt. Charlie’s mother is dead but the only relative they could reach was someone from his mom's side and Charlie doesn't even know her. He knows _me._ Why can't they see that he should stay with me? All those fucking rules… they don't acknowledge that people can change. 

I grip onto the steering wheel tighter and remind myself to breathe. Nick helped me get over my fear of driving and I can't fuck up, I need to focus on the road ahead of me. It's slippery and it's getting dark. I probably shouldn't be driving but it took longer than expected. 

I visit Charlie twice a week. Or at least I try to, sometimes I'm busy and I only get to see him once a week. His aunt lives all the way in Chicago, it's a while away from LA and Charlie was telling me about the high school he just recently enrolled at and how he's part of the baseball and soccer team. He wouldn't stop talking about it and I loved seeing him so happy. He was so fucking happy talking to me, I couldn't leave early. I stayed until his aunt Maya told Charlie that I can't stay all day. I wish I could but I've got a life. And they won't let me adopt. Fuckers.

I wish it could he permanent for Charlie. He's happy here, really fucking happy and I don't want him to go back to that hell with his father. But the bastard refuses to give up his parental rights so now… they're doing psych evaluations and other bullshit to assess whether he can have Charlie back or not. I think it's clear as day that he shouldn't be allowed anywhere near the boy. 

Anders calls me and I press the button on my dashboard to answer without taking my eyes off the road. Good, I needed something to take my mind off Charlie. Because there's only one reason why I'm stressing out over Charlie right now. I don't wanna think about what's about to come. What I'm about to do. 

"Have you talked to him yet?" Anders asks straight away and I chuckle. 

"No 'hey'?" Straight to the point, like he's more nervous about this than I am. Trust me, no one's more nervous than I am right now. 

Anders laughs nervously. "Right. Hey. So… is it over yet?"

I sigh softly and try not to let it get inside my head. He's just a person. One of many. I can have a conversation with him. Who cares if he's dating the only guy in the world who makes me happy. 

"No, I'm almost there though," I say without going into detail about how Charlie wanted me to stay for dinner or that he wouldn't shut up. And I loved every second of it. "And Charlie's good. He looks good. Any info about his piece of shit dad?"

I glance at the GPS Which tells me that I have seven more minutes left until I'm there. I imagined them living at some enormous grand mansion but the neighbourhood is quite simple. The picture perfect white picket fence American lifestyle. I never thought Winston would be up for this but like I said, people change. 

"No but I'll let you know if I hear anything," Anders reassures me. Two minutes later I hang up on him. I don't know what I'd do without him. Or without Leeya and Nick and… everyone. The last two months have been hard on me, the pressure of trying to do the best I could for Charlie was fucking with my head. I wouldn't have done it without all those people by my side. 

And if anything, those last two months were the most difficult months of my life. I was too busy to think about anything but Charlie. Exhausted myself to make sure the poor boy was okay. And… it did some good for me. 

I stopped thinking about Winston. And now that I admit that, it sounds strange. I laugh and the sound fills up the silence in the car. I never thought I'd see the day but here we are. He doesn't invade my mind anymore, doesn't keep me up at night, doesn't make me wonder where I fucked up so badly. Instead, I sometimes think about how happy we were together. It was good. We were good together and I loved him. I don't think I'll ever be able to love anyone like I loved him. But I understand that even though he may have been the one for me, I wasn't the one for him. And that's life. The sooner I accept that the better. 

I should be getting back to Anders and Leeya, they’re letting me stay with them of course but there's someone I need to talk to first. 

It's the last house on the right. Looks like every other one except… a little dead. It’s almost March, the month of plants blooming but the potted flowers on the window sill are dead and the grass is overgrown with weeds. This house looks like it’s not being looked after properly. But Holden and Winston are both busy, obviously they don't have the time to be mowing the lawn. 

I sit in the car for a few minutes wondering if this is such a good idea after all. Because there's so many things that could go wrong that I haven't thought about until now. But I better get out of this car before someone calls the cops on me for sitting out here like a creep. 

My legs move by their own accord. I don't even remember getting out of the car or opening the gate or walking up the path. And I knock on the door and my head feels heavy. I feel like my insides are one big mush that I'm about to throw up. This isn't normal. I shouldn't feel like this. I just need to talk to my friend and I'll be gone. Hopefully, Winston isn’t home.

When I hear the key turn in the lock, I expect to see Holden on the other side of the door. But it’s not him, it’s Winston and It looks like he was expecting to see Holden too. He got me instead. And the weird feeling in my stomach subsidies. I'm no longer nervous or confused or… I just see his eyes, his face, his hair and all I know is that there won't be a day when I don't love him. One look at him and he makes me feel so fucking _safe._ But loving him doesn't mean I have to obsess over him. Loving him means letting him go because I want him to be happy. 

"Erm, hey," I say and Winston's face softens. He looks older. The last time I saw him was two months ago, maybe three, but he looks… exhausted. He reminds me a little of myself. When all I focused on was football and sleep was just an afterthought. I don't want to see him overworking himself. 

"Hey," he replies simply and then he leans his shoulder against the door frame. Almost like he's trying to show me that I'm not welcome inside. Definitely. 

"Are you gonna let me inside?" I was going to ask him if Holden was home but that's what came out instead. Sometimes our own body sabotages us. 

"Why should I?" he asks coldly and I almost sigh at how defensive he sounds. Putting his guard back up because… because nothing good ever comes out of the two of us having a reunion. I'm not here for him. I should remember that. 

"Remember when you came to _my_ door and I let you in?" I remind him. And his eyes shift downwards. We both know he was ready to fuck it all up then. Cheat on Holden with me. I tried to ignore it but it was too obvious to ignore. We would have ended up fucking if I showed him the smallest hint that I was up for it. But I'm not like that, I'm not gonna ruin my friend's relationship. And I'm not talking about Winston. 

Surprisingly he lets me inside and it's deadly silent. It's all squeaky clean like Winston does nothing but clean all day. That's not what he's supposed to be doing, he was made for more important things. 

"Careful, the floorboards might be slippery," Winston says as he walks into the living room. I step inside uncertainly, he’s sitting on the beige sofa with his hands in his lap. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to join him until he gestures to the other couch parallel to his. 

I sit down reluctantly making sure to hide how glad I am he invited me inside and that so far, we’re civil around each other. I miss us being civil. Talking. Being happy. 

"Where’s Holden?" I look around and that's when I notice how artificial the living room looks. Nothing on display is personal. Just decorations from Ikea like the wooden owl on the fireplace or the 'love yourself' sign hanging on the wall. Winston’s apartment never looked anything like this.

He shrugs. "Why do you care?" I almost didn't expect him to be so cold towards me, I thought we were okay after last time. Then Winston sighs, almost apologetically. "I don't know…" He might look away but I stay focused on him. Even after months, it feels so natural to be back here, talking like we haven't spent a second apart. I really didn't think this would ever be possible. "I think he's moving out," Winston whispers. 

My eyebrows raise involuntarily and I stare at him like an idiot. It takes me a second to take the words in, absorb them and understand what he's telling me. "Moving out?" Does that mean… I bite my cheeks so hard it hurts. Don't you dare fucking grin. Don't you dare. Don't. Winston looks upset and as good as it is to hear that it's not working out with Holden… I don't want him to hurt over a guy. 

Winston sighs again and he doesn't look like he wants to tell me but what has he got to lose? "We're not doing so well together. Recently." He coughs awkwardly, starts playing with his fingers as a distraction. I have so many questions but I won't ask, he doesn't have to tell me anything. Yet he wants to. "He's living with a… friend now. Has been for the past 3 weeks." Winston continues and he glares at the nearest cabinet. A friend. I took Holden as the loyal type. He wouldn't cheat but that's exactly what Winston is insinuating. I wonder how it got to this. "I don't hear from him apart from the occasional text… now would you fucking _say_ something for the love of God?"

I was staying quiet for the sake of being polite. I know he doesn't like to be interrupted. He doesn't. Right now he's frustrated and I'm around so… as always we're letting our feelings out on each other. We're such a fucking mess together. 

"I'm sorry," I say maintaining eye contact with him. And I am. I'm sorry that Holden is too stupid to keep him. Too fucking stupid to appreciate what he has and to do his best to keep Winston forever. Because that's what he deserves, someone who'd do anything to have him. 

I half expect Winston to scoff but he gives me a small nod. Almost like a thank you. But then he sighs again, goes back to messing up his hair. His hair. It's still long but he must trim it regularly. I love his hair but I look away before he can catch me staring. 

"It's mostly my fault." Winston continues and he throws his head back. His hair frames his face as he looks up at the ceiling. Searching for answers. Like many of us have. "He asked me if I love him," Winston adds quietly. He sounds like he's a million miles away, like he's replaying it in his head right now. I doubt he even knows that I'm the one he's telling this too. Just needs to get it off his chest. 

"I said I did." He pauses. I clearly see him fidgeting. He doesn't wanna think about it. The idea of Winston loving Holden isn't new to me. He says it and I feel nothing except the dull pain that what I was suspecting all along is true. They love each other so they'll work it out. There's no room for me. 

Then Winston laughs shortly like he can't believe what he's saying. I still stay silent until he sits up and he looks me straight in the eye. "He… said I was lying. I didn't deny it. I couldn't." He shakes his head, bites his lip… and he looks like he has no idea what to do. I was like that. Not anymore, I got myself sorted. 

But it's better to distract him with talk than let him spiral into overthinking. "Why would you stay with him for so long if you knew you didn't love him?" I ask. Once again, I expect Winston to get defensive because that's what we're like. One tries to up the other with snarky remarks, tries to show the other that they're better off without them. I've been through it and it's way too much work to keep pretending. It gets better once you realise how exhausting it is to keep it up. 

"I thought I would. Eventually. I… I stayed with him because he helped me out…" Winston rests his forehead on the palm of his hand and then he looks at me with wide innocent eyes. He thought he would. So he doesn't love Holden. He tried to force himself to but he couldn't. My heart starts to hammer in my chest. We're fucking messed up. We are. We do all this bullshit just to get over each other. At least I don't have to deal with Alex anymore. 

"I had no one. Not even Nick." Winston adds. Then he blushes and he quickly looks away at the mention of his former friend. Nick. He stares at me like he wants to figure out what I know. He's worried. Maybe embarrassed even. 

"Don't worry, Nick hasn't told me anything," I assure him. Although now I'm curious. I look around his living room again when the silence settles in. I wish Nick would tell me what happened but he won't talk about it. Ever. 

"About Holden... " Winston continues. So he's choosing not to talk about it either. What the hell happened between him and Nick? Nothing can be that bad. He brushes the dark hair away from his eyes and clears his throat. "Remember what I said to you? That you didn't love me and you just needed someone and _I_ was around? That's what it was like for me. With Holden I mean. Not with you. Never with you." He shakes his head and I bite my lip. Yeah, I get it. How many times does he have to rub it in? I get that I fell for him like an idiot and he never loved me. I don't need to be reminded of it every time I see him.

"Oh. Thanks for being honest. I guess." Thanks for once again reminding me that I wasn't enough. I wasn't enough for him to love me. 

"No, that's not what I mean," Winston says quickly with evident panic in his voice. He places his hands on top of his head and looks up at the ceiling again. He hates looking at me. "I mean… I didn't stick around with you because I needed someone, I stuck around because I liked you. Liked being with you. _Loved_ being with you. Even if only as friends." Silence. I don't know what to say. He's got me rendered speechless once again. 

Loved being with me. But didn't love _me._ _Liked_ me. I guess that's something. 

"I do actually… Need a friend today," I say deciding not to mention the rest of his speech. I came here for Holden but he's not here so… Winston will do. 

He perks up and he sits properly, puts his hands on his thighs and gives me a small nod. "What is it? I have time."

I smile. He has time. He always had time for me and then he didn't. Now he does. Of course I'm gonna take advantage of that. But I don't know where to start. And I don't have to tell him everything. It'll just go naturally.

"So there's this boy," I say and Winston raises his eyebrows at the last word. Fuck that's not what I meant. And look at him, he can't stand the thought of me with another guy. And I didn't come here to talk to him about guys. I'm just glad he hasn't mentioned Alex yet because… I never wanna hear that name ever again. 

"A child," I correct myself and I see him relax. "He's… his dad is like… he hurts him." It's difficult to get the words out but I just about manage it. I look away just like Winston did and I understand why he couldn't look at me. I can't. It's easier to pretend he's not here. Listening. 

So I explain Charlie's situation as best as I can. That I'm trying to help him but I leave out the part about wanting to adopt him because… that just seems like a failure when I tell him that I couldn't adopt because I'm a fucking mess who shouldn't be allowed to have children. And I tell him that he's staying with an aunt in Chicago. The one I just came back from visiting. I tell him partially because I want him to know I didn't drive all the way to Chicago to talk to him. 

"Wow, I, uh, that seems like a lot. I'm really proud of you," Winston says and then he quickly clears his throat. "It's nice to see that you're… growing up I guess. Really. It's good to see it. Charlie's lucky to have you."

"And I uh…" I start and I take a deep breath before continuing. I just need him to know. "I'm doing better now. I've started taking care of myself. No alcohol, no drugs, not even weed. I promised Nick I wouldn't." Winston was smiling at me like he was proud but then his face falls. He can't control it, it just happens. And then he blinks and looks away. 

His lips set in a thin line. "You two seem close," he comments and then sighs. "But I'm glad you have a friend. I know with Joe leaving and Holden and… Leo." He doesn't have to elaborate, we know what he means to say. Yeah I'm glad I have Nick. As a friend. We're closer than ever now. Since New Year's especially. He helped me out a lot.

"It hasn’t been easy, yeah." I agree with Winston. So far I'm impressed by how civil this conversation is. No shouting or arguing or… just talk. "And Nick is a good… friend." I hope that makes it clear for him. I don't want Nick in that way. He's just a friend. That’s all.

Winston bounces his leg, his teeth sink into his bottom lip and he nibbles at it. It leaves his lip red and swollen. He's not gonna continue the conversation. I better say something. Should I… tell him? 

"Anyway, I'm flying out to Germany to visit Joe next week," I promised I'd watch him play, he even promised seats in the VIP area. I was gonna take Nick with me if he's not busy. Winston is waiting for more so I continue. “I've been putting it off with the whole Charlie mess and… everything else. But I promised him I'll meet his fiancee." And his fiancee. Right. I'm already dreading it. At least one of us has their life in order. I'm almost there.

Then Winston sits up and he wipes his hands on his jeans. "I… If you need someone to go with you… I wouldn't mind." His eyes bore into mine and I'm already thinking about it. Us on a plane, hotel rooms and cars… randoms stops on the way. A whole trip just the two of us. I'm trying not to overthink it but I do as always. Then Winston panics and he makes up an excuse for why he'd want to go with me. Maybe he thinks he sounded too eager. He did. "It's better than sitting around waiting for Holden to come back." 

I'm not gonna be upset about that. Holden is his boyfriend after all. I understand. I do. I try to. "That saves me the trouble of having to ask Nick," I say. "I think he's already tired of me, been spending so much time together…" I chuckle lightly but Winston sits there looking unimpressed. One eyebrow raised, arms crossed over his chest. What the fuck made him hate Nick so much?

“Right,” he says shortly and then he gets on his feet. Is this it? Is that how our conversation is gonna end? Winston puts his hands in his pockets, takes one slow step towards me and my hands start sweating. I can hear my pulse and I hate that even though my mind is over him, my body isn’t.

“So are you sleeping here?” he asks so casually that I frown. Am I forgetting something? When did either of us even mention sleeping here? ”Remember?” Winston continues when I stare at him blankly. “When you invited me in you let me sleep over. Wouldn't be fair if I didn't return the favour.”

I don’t wanna think about him returning the favour. I know Winston so I also know that he’s only doing this so I stay longer. He could at least have the balls to admit that. ‘Monty I want you to stay’. It’s not hard to say.

So I give him a few seconds to correct himself. He doesn’t. But I don't blame him. I wouldn’t be able to do it either. Just thought he was stronger than me. He is and he’s also twice as stubborn.

“That's alright, I've gotta get back to Anders.” I stand up too making sure to leave some space between us. I look up to meet his eyes. He’s just as tall as I remember him to be. Just as beautiful. Only older. “Gotta get to the airport, catch my flight... Justin has an interview tomorrow morning and he'll need me. Always does.” I add and then end it with a nod to show him it’s decided. I won’t be sleeping over. This is his and Holden’s house anyway. At least I think so. I don’t know, I don’t stalk him. But this is their place and I already feel like an intruder.

“He’s like your Monty,” Winston says with a grin and he leans forward slightly. 

"Yeah I guess," I agree with him with a small laugh. "But with fewer temper tantrums. And I'm not Anders, wish I could be." Anders has his life in order. He has everything. I've got a long way to go until I can think about comparing myself to him.

It's like the air has cleared. The tension eased a little. It's easier to talk, the heavy feeling in my chest is gone because I know I'm doing nothing wrong. And this went well. We didn't argue and that's an improvement. Maybe we could be friends. I'd like that. 

So a few minutes later when he's walking me out. I pause. "Did you mean it when you said you'd come with me to Germany?" I ask and he nods. Thought it may just have been a comment he made without thinking. But he looks like he's serious. "So, uh, how should I reach you?" It's not like I have his phone number. Or his email address. But I do know where he lives. And all I'd have to do to get his phone number is ask Anders. Don't even wanna know how he came to know it but I want this to come from Winston, not Anders.

"Write me a letter," he says and I stare at him with wide eyes. It's like the world around us has stopped and all I know… I open my mouth to say something but no sound comes out. Then he laughs and I relax. "I'm just messing with you. Give me a call. Text, whatever you prefer." He shrugs like its that easy for us to keep in touch. But we both know we've been ignoring each other for almost two years. Not counting the weird little run-ins we've had in between. 

"I don't have your number," I tell him after a second. He and I both know I could have it if I wanted it. But I want it from him. He should understand that. 

"Oh." He goes back into the living room and a minute later he comes back with a torn out piece of paper with numbers written on it. He passes it to me with a small smile and I take it. 

"No business card?" 

He chuckles. "Maybe one day. Not today though. Still got a lot of work to do... " He trails off like there's something else on his mind but I don't think it's my place to ask just yet.

"Well, I should get going." I take a shaky step towards the door. Open it and then I step out outside. Winston stays inside. All that's separating us is the doorway. It feels weird. He seems so close but he's in the house that he lives in with another man. Not close at all.

And that's it. Until next time. Whenever next time may be. Will I actually get in touch with him? I don't know if I'll be able to do it. 

"Monty?" he calls after me as I walk towards my car. He's not gonna let me go this easily. The difference between me and him. 

I turn around and he's standing outside now. The door behind him is closed and he has his hands in his pockets. "It was really good talking to you," he says and then when I offer him a smile he looks away "I missed you."

Those three little words. I missed you. He missed me. I… it's like a dream come true. "I missed you too." The words come out of my mouth and my hands begin to tremble. It's okay. It's all okay for now. 

I turn away from Winston, can't look at him right now. My heart is pounding, head is spinning and he said he missed me. I would kiss him right now if I could. If he let me. 

So I shove the piece of paper with his number on it into my pocket on the way to my car. I'll see him again. 

***

I got in late last night and now I can barely get out of bed. If I'm being honest, I couldn't fall asleep. Winston. It was him again but this time it was different. Instead of thinking about all the things he and I did wrong… could we actually do something right for once? 

I really don't wanna fuck up so I stayed up all night thinking whether this was a good idea or not. If I go with him, we'll spend more than enough time together. Like we used to. It could be good for us or it could end in an argument. 

That's not what I have to worry about right now. Justin. He's got some sponsorship bullshit this morning and I have to be there. He's been going through some shit recently. He showed up to a meeting high a few weeks ago and he wouldn't tell me what happened. He said he was allowed because technically the season doesn't start until March. Well it’s March now so he better get his shit together. I understand why Anders was always so pissed off with me. I've gotta make sure he doesn't screw up. And I need to try to find out why he's suddenly getting worse and not better. 

I can't find my jeans. I was sure I threw them on my chair when I went to bed but they're not there. I look around the room, cruising at myself because I already slept in and I have to be there _before_ Justin. 

And so I can't find the jeans anywhere. I turn my room upside down which I'll get told off for later by Leeya. She wants me to keep it clean and I try my best to but… somehow it just gets messy. My duvet lands on the floor along with my pillows and then I pull back the mattress to see if maybe it got ledged somewhere between the bed frame. God knows what I was thinking last night. I was too tired to think properly.

And even though I don't find the jeans, I find something else. I almost don't recognize it as first. Seems like its something from another life. Not mine. But the more I stare at it, the more I recognise the black leather, the yellowy pages and the scrawny handwriting. A journal. Another one. 

I wonder why I'm so used to talking to myself. Instead of talking to others, all I did was write in a journal. Safe to say that it didn't help me one bit. I was just angry at Winston, at myself, at Leeya and… it's all in there. I forgot I had it. Seems so long ago. 

I pick it up with shaky hands. Unsure at first until I glance at the first page. A date. A week after I sent the first letter to Winston. I was mad at him for not replying and… it shows. 

I look through the pages and I feel my face heating up just as I skim through the entries. I sound like such a child. A whiny little brat. I don’t even want to accept the fact that I'm the same person who wrote all this bullshit. The same person who blamed Winston for everything like it was his fault.

I’m not that person anymore. I know I fucked up and I’m willing to admit that. If I could go back and do it differently I would. I’d know what to do now.

The journal isn’t full so the last entry is from October. October 16th to be precise and that’s the day… The day he took me to the beach. The day our fate was sealed.

_10.16_

_I miss the days when our paths hadn't crossed. When you were just another person that meant nothing to me. And then I met you and now I can't sleep without dreaming of you, I can't eat because the lump in my throat won’t go away and I can't do anything I used to be able to do with ease without missing you every second of it. And for that I hate you. You ruined my fucking life and I let you. In other words, I miss you._

I finish reading that first sentence and I don’t know what to think. I don't remember it being that bad. I know that it hurt like a bitch and it was… possibly the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. Hurt. But reading this makes me realise one thing, I don’t feel like that anymore.

As in, I’ve accepted it and I’ve tried to move past it. I'm trying to better myself. For me. I don't wanna be that person anymore, don’t wanna feel like that ever again. And I never wanna hurt anyone like I hurt him.

***

Two minutes until nine. Six missed calls from Justin. I'm so late. I lost track of time. 

I run up three steps at a time, my shirt sticks to my back and I try hard to get my breathing under control but it's hard. I pant like I've never ran in my life and then I'm on the 5th floor. Elevator was taking too long so I ran up five floors. Fucking idiot. 

And now I'm running down the corridor looking for the right room. This is what happens when a company only rents one floor of a building and it’s chaos to find what you need. Then I find it, the studio at the end. But only because I see Justin pacing at the end of the corridor, right outside the room

“Where-”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, something came up,” I say and then I stop in front of him. I’m so out of breath I feel like I’m back on the pitch again. Fuck me for getting distracted. I wanted to get rid of the journal and the second I threw it away I got paranoid that someone would find it and figure it all out. For fuck’s sake, why do I still care about that? It’s hard to admit it but I do care. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to _really_ be myself.

“Should we go in?” Justin asks and then he frowns. “Are you sure you’re okay? You seem a little-”

“I’m good,” I answer. I already kept him waiting long enough. And he’s in a good mood so I don’t wanna ruin that. Maybe I’ll even get him to open up to me. “Let’s just go in.” I open the door for him and he disappears out of my sight within seconds. They need to get him ready before they can start recording. Makeup and shit. I never let them use it on me. Joe did.

I don’t like this studio. It reminds me too much of that day. Winston running late, me snapping at the whole crew but mainly Nick and then… having to skip all those fucking questions while the lights set my skin on fire. Talking to Winston after… I never would have thought he’d become so important to me but he did. 

A long while later they make me sit on this light brown couch. I’m on the other side of the camera while Justin is being examined. The light is shining in his eyes, I notice him fidgeting in his seat and I want to remind him that this is nothing. Just one of many interviews and it’s good to start small and get used to it. All he has to do is wear that light blue T-shirt with their energy drink logo printed on it and answer some questions. It’s just promo.

It starts off easy with Justin answering questions about the season and what he's looking forward to. Then he talks a little bit about training, how he works hard and of course has to throw in the line about Yusa energy drinks helping him do his best in practice. As if I’d ever let him touch that shitty drink, who knows what they put in there.

And I’m already preparing myself for the worst as the interview goes on and on. Nothing. No reference to family, no pushy questions, nothing. Could it actually go well for once? For _once_ , can I have a day where nothing goes wrong?

I can.

The camera stops rolling. The interviewer shakes Justin’s hand, thanks him for doing this like he isn’t getting paid a ridiculous sum to do this in the first place. But it went well and that’s all I care about.

Please let it go well.

“Wasn’t so bad, eh?” Justin asks me once we’re in the elevator and he’s actually smiling. I would ask him if whatever’s been bugging him is over but then I put myself in his shoes. I wouldn’t want Anders to ask me. So I won’t ask Justin.

“Went great actually,” I say and Justin beams. One thing I’ve learned from Anders - actually, one of many things - is to celebrate whatever goes well. Even if it seems small. I used to be so proud of myself when he’d tell me I did well for getting out of bed. It seems stupid to think about now but back then it was probably one of the only things keeping me going.

“Thanks,” he says shyly and then neither of us speaks until the elevator stops and we get off at the ground floor. In a few minutes I’ll be in my car again, heading back to Anders because I’ve got nothing else planned for today. Or I might take Nick out for lunch, maybe I’ll even tell him about Winston.

“So why were you late? Did you sleep in?” Justin opens the door for me and we step outside together. He’s not being subtle, if that’s how I asked him questions I wouldn’t have a job.

“No, I didn’t ‘sleep in’. How unprofessional do you think I am?” I give him alight push and he chuckles. “I was just taking care of something.” Something. The journal. Winston. Like he’s my dirty little secret.

I’m not ashamed to talk about him. Hell, if I had him I probably wouldn’t shut up about him. I’d make sure everyone knew how in love I am with him. But I _don’t_ have him and telling people about the ‘us’ that never happened would mean admitting what I did. How I hurt him. How fucking stupid I was. That’s what I’m ashamed of.

Justin looks up to me. He doesn't know me as the fuck up I used to be. He doesn't need to. He never will. 

"Alright," he says with a small nod. He's disappointed. Disappointed I don't wanna share. Sorry but it works both ways. 

***

I sent him a text. He sent one back. It was as simple as that. Almost thought he wouldn't reply but he did. An hour after I texted him. An hour. It seems almost like a miracle after all the waiting we've done. 

As we get closer and closer to the airport, I’m more and more certain that I’m going to have a heart attack. Winston is the one who said we should meet up at the airport. Easier for both of us. Maybe not for him as he has to get here all the way from Chicago.

“You look like you’re gonna be sick, do you need a bag?” Anders asks and I glare at him. Fuck off, I know I look like shit. I barely slept a wink, I threw up my breakfast and I was this close to cancelling on Winston and going with Nick instead. Leeya interfered. I think she just feels bad because if it wasn't for her then maybe we could have worked it out. Maybe.

I would have preferred Nick to take me because I know Anders has all his parental instincts kicking in. He treats me like I’m Leon’s age. Nick would at least shut up and ignore how pale I look right now. But he said he was ‘busy’. Pretty sure that’s code for not wanting to see Winston. I hope they can make up one day.

“So what… what’s the point of this?” Anders then interrupts again. I’m fucking freaking out, I don’t need him to make me worry even more.

I shrug. Apparently this is us trying to be friends. We were good friends. Friends. Can I be okay with just being his friend? I don’t know what we’re gonna get out of this. But closure would be nice. Really nice.

“Hey, check in on Charlie while I’m away, will you?” I ask and I seem to relax just thinking about the boy. He makes me want to be better. I want to be better for so many people. For myself. But I only saw that because of Charlie. I owe him for that even if he doesn’t know it.

"Don't you worry about Charlie, I'll keep everything under control while you're gone," Anders says and he taps his thumb on the steering wheel to the rhythm of the crappy song playing from the radio. "You and Joe enjoy yourselves, have fun but promise to come back in one piece." 

I chuckle to myself. One piece. That's a good one. I've been walking around in a million pieces for years and I'm doing fine. "I promise," I say when Anders raises an eyebrow. But he's alright. Really. I didn't even realise we drove into the airport parking lot. Drop-in area. Mostly for taxis. 

I look around for a tall guy with thick dark unruly hair but I can't see him anywhere. Maybe I got here first. Because he's coming. I know he is. He said he would. 

"So?" Anders looks at me. I take a deep breath in. A week away from him. How will I survive? I grin. 

"Thanks." He seems surprised by the one simple word but then he blinks and he's grinning too.

"Anytime." And he doesn't even need to know what I'm thanking him for. Everything. Since day one. 

So I get out of the car, ready to go to the boot of the car to grab my suitcase. Packed enough for a week but maybe the trip will be cut short. Something always comes up. Then I stop just before shutting the door. "Oh and make sure Leeya doesn't touch my room, she tries to clean up and then everything's in the wrong place and... " Anders laughs. 

"Will do. I know what you mean," he says and then we stand there smiling at each other for a few more seconds until I gather the courage to close the door. This isn't a goodbye. Stop acting like it is. I'll see him again. In a week. 

Anders drives off after I get my suitcase. The suitcase handle is stuck so I kneel down in the middle of the parking lot, tugging at it hoping it opens but doesn't break. I must look so fucking stupid. 

Then something loosens and it takes me by surprise. I find myself losing my balance but I don't fall. I don't fall because he's got me. I don't even need to turn around to know it's him. I can smell his perfume and I know it's him. And he's got his hands placed on my sides. Just above my hips. He holds me steady on my feet. 

"Oops, shit. Guess I got to you just in time," he says and slowly he takes his hands away. He steps back, I turn to face. He's got me fucked up again.

And he got here just in time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> messy said he fell for him again and i think that's pretty accurate  
> thank you for reading


	7. Steps Forward

**Chapter Seven**

I’ve tried to avoid him as best as I could but we were sat next to each other on the plane so that didn’t go so well. I told Winston I wanted to sleep so he wouldn’t talk to me and then I fell asleep while he was watching movies on his phone. That worked for the first three hours of our eleven hour long flight. I spent the remaining eight hours pretending Winston didn’t exist and trying to go back to sleep.

Why does Frankfurt have to be so far away from LA? I knew I should have booked the plane to Munich but that would mean staying on this plane for fourteen hours instead of eleven. I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. Not with Winston next to me. 

Once we landed, our driver was already waiting for us. Anders made sure to book him so we wouldn’t have to wait any longer than we had to. He introduced himself as Finn and I shook his head. He was a guy about Winston’s height with dark hair and probably pushing his forties. Once he put our baggage in the trunk of the car we set off.

“You okay?” Two more hours until we get to Joey’s place, why is he deciding to talk to me now? I nod without looking at him. It’s not that I want to ignore him, he just makes me nervous. I continue staring out of the window and spot another supermarket called ‘Edeka’, it must be a German brand or something. I’ve seen about a hundred of them since we landed. 

I’m starting to regret asking Winston to come with me. I thought it would be a good idea for us to spend some time together, we might even go back to being friends. But so far, I’m more stressed out about him sitting next to me than about meeting Joe’s fiancee. I still feel something for him and it’s making me wonder if he does too. Or if he’s just here because he wants to take his mind off Holden.

“You haven’t really said anything all day,” Winston continues. God, I wish he’d just leave me alone for now. I’m tired, he’s tired and I’m in no mood to talk about how I’m feeling right now. So I shrug hoping that’s a good enough answer. 

Joe said that I could sleep at his place while I’m in Germany and that’s all well and good except I haven’t told him that Winston is coming with me yet. I didn’t know how to explain the fact that I would be taking Holden’s boyfriend with me. I’m just hoping he won’t ask and I can… stay at a hotel if he doesn’t have enough room for the both of us.

Anders is considerate enough to text and ask how it’s going. Badly. It’s going very badly but I tell him that everything is good anyway. 

“Nick?” Winston finally has the courage to ask after glancing at me from the corner of his eye for the past four minutes.

I shake my head. “Anders.” I wouldn’t even think that Winston would want to talk about Nick after the last time. They should talk their shit out as they’re both important to me and I never want to have to choose between them if it comes down to it.

“Tell him I said hi,” Winston says before looking away. I nod but I don’t mention him to Anders. I don’t need to be questioned and I know that Anders would want to know how I’m coping with it. Having Winston with me for a full week.

A few minutes later, I turn to look at Winston. Just to check what he’s doing as I’ve been starting out of the window and ignoring him this whole time. Is he texting anyone? Holden maybe? But I’m happy to see that he’s only sleeping. His head rests against the windows and it looks uncomfortable to even sit in that position so he must be really fucking tired if he can sleep like that.

I can’t fall asleep. Now that my Winston issue is solved all I can think about is Joe. I still don’t see why it’s so important for me to like his fiancee but he’s gonna marry this girl and I want to make sure she’s right for him. He deserves the best there is.

I send him a text letting him know that we’ll be there in fifteen minutes and then I spend the rest of my time wondering how I’m going to wake Winston up. I just hope the driver hits a really big speed bump that wakes him up. I don't wanna do it myself. 

"We're here," Finn says in his German accent that he's trying to disguise. I'll have to get used to hearing this accent for the next few days. I stare at the amazing house in front of the car. It’s not even a house, it’s a whole goddamn villa. A garden with trimmed hedges and even a water fountain just in the front. The building made mostly out of glass and wood. It makes Anders' home look like a dump. 

"Sir?" the driver says and clears his throat. Right. I need to get out and I need to take Winston with me. I nudge him once while taking off my seatbelt but he doesn't move a muscle. 

I start to sweat knowing that the driver is watching me and I probably look like an idiot not wanting to even touch my 'friend'. I place my hand on his knee and shake him. "Winston?"

"Huh?" He opens his eyes and looks around the car. Then he looks at me and finally the hand that's squeezing his knee. This has got to be the worst decision I've ever made. 

"Sorry, uh, we're here," I say and I take my hand away as quickly as possible. I get out of there and wait as Finn opens up the trunk of the car. 

Winston stands a safe distance behind me as he waits for his own suitcase. The second I have mine, I turn to leave him. Don’t wanna be around him for any longer than I have to.

I see that someone’s already waiting for me. Joe is standing in his garden, right next to the gate. He waves at me. He's grinning as he opens the gate for me. "Finally, been waiting for you all day," he says and he doesn't hesitate to wrap his arms around me in a tight hug. I laugh as I hug him back with one arm. 

"Told you what time I was gonna be here," I say when we pull away. Joe still hasn't seen Winston properly because he's staying back to talk to Finn. I glance at him for a quick second but he's too busy talking with Finn. Finn doesn't look gay to me. And what about Holden? 

"I know man, I know but I just couldn't wait," Joe says with a shrug and then he puts his hand on the large metal gate. "So come in then. Oh, I'll take your suitcase." He holds his hand out so I pass it to him. I glance at Winston once again. It's now or never.

"Hey, do you remember Holden's boyfriend?" I ask and Joe raises an eyebrow. "I kinda… asked him to come with me. If that's okay." I nod towards Winston who is now walking towards us. Finn is back in the car. I didn't think Winston was into older guys anyway. 

Joe looks a little confused but he smiles anyway. "Alright…? Okay," he says and then he opens the gate even further and walks down the path towards the house. I follow him, Winston stays two steps behind. 

I expected his fiancee to be inside already but once we've taken off our shoes and coats in the hallway, Joe tells us that she's still at work. 

"She should be home in an hour or so," Joe says as he walks across his living room in his black slippers. The house is even nicer inside. Dark floorboards, coffee-coloured carpet with two matching sofas. A glass coffee table stands in the middle of the room and Joe walks past it before gesturing to the two couches. "You guys can sit down, I'll get you some coffee. And hi Winston." 

Winston looks at me for a second and then back at Joe. "Hey." I didn't say anything, Joe doesn't know. He leaves me and Winston alone in the living room. “Someone’s happy to see me,” Winston mutters almost to himself. He leans back and spreads his arms out across the backrest. 

I tell myself not to think about him. Or how his arm is right behind me. His hand almost touching me. I focus on the sound of the kettle in the kitchen instead as my eyes roam around the room. Our suitcases stand next to this giant cabinet. Photo frames and plant pots decorate it, I think it must have been the fiancee's idea. I forgot her name for fuck’s sake.

My heart stops when Joe calls Winston into the kitchen. We immediately look at one another like we’re trying to figure out what he knows. I just have this weird feeling. But Winston goes to the kitchen like it’s nothing even though I clearly saw him hesitate. And then I’m alone in the living room.

They shut the door on me. Now I know something’s wrong. I never should have asked Winston to come with me. After a moment of thought, I go over to the cabinet to pretend to be looking at the pictures when really, I just wanna know what they’re talking about. 

I pick up a picture frame. Joe's voice can be heard but only as a low murmur. I glance at the photo. Joe shaking the hand of the Bayern Munich coach, must be taken just after he was signed. February time if I remember currently. Would be a little over a year now that he’s played for them.

It’s no use, I can’t hear anything they’re saying. So I put the photo down and just as I'm about to sit down, another frame catches my eye. It’s almost hidden by the plant pot and at first, I think I'm seeing things again because it can’t be. No. This can’t be happening. But I stare at the photo and there it is.

My sister standing next to Joe. She has her arms wrapped around his neck and he’s holding her by the waist. They’re both smiling at the camera. And the engagement rings just tops it all off. I put two and two together.

Fucking bullshit. 

I’m not staying here. I’ve had enough.

I leave the piece of shit photo on the piece of shit couch in this piece of shit house. I put my shoes on as fast as I can, I walk out into the garden and I place my hands on top of my head. 

This is really happening. 

My fucking sister is engaged to Joe. What does she want? Is this her way of trying to get to me? I know it’s probably about money. I won’t be giving her a cent.

I’m standing by the gate when someone calls my name. It’s Winston. He hurries down the path with my coat in his hand and he doesn’t look happy. “Are you stupid?” He glares at me and then grabs my hand and pulls me towards him. I barely get a second to register what’s happening before Winston is putting my coat on for me. He zips me up without looking me in the eye and then his fingertips brush past me neck as he straightens out my collar. “You can't go out in just a t-shirt in weather like this,” he says softly and he touches my collar again. I see him hesitate, glance at my lips and then he steps back.

He wants me to say- or even do something. But I’m so fucking terrified of messing up. So I stay silent because there’s nothing I can say. I’d rather just get Finn back here so I can go back to Anders and erase both Joe and Estela from my mind. 

“Maybe you want to-” Winston stops himself and looks away.

“Want to what?” I press him. Anything. I’ll say yes. 

He shifts awkwardly from foot to foot. “Nevermind,” he says and then he glances back at the house. No, I’m not letting him do this. I can… I can take it. 

One deep breath after, I’m taking a step towards him and I clear my throat. Winston looks at me again. “Want to what?” I see him gulp and he blinks twice before bowing his head. Maybe I shouldn’t stand so close to him. So so so fucking close. 

“I was gonna… ask if you wanted to go on a walk,” Winston mutters without looking up. “You could tell me why you ran out.” Then he takes a small step back and he slowly looks up at the sky. Just as I’m about to tell him I’d love to, he interrupts me. “But I’m not going to.”

“Huh?” What did I do wrong this time? Did I overstep a boundary by getting so close? “Winston-”

He sighs and takes another step back even though I make no attempt to get closer to him. “Whenever we go somewhere together... it’s great,” he says with a small smile. “And then something terrible happens right after.” Seriously? This is bullshit, he can’t seriously be worried about it. But he is and he’s taking one more step back towards the house. He’s gonna go inside if I don’t do anything to stop him.

“Then let’s go and have a really really  _ terrible  _ time,” I say. It’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever said, I give him permission to laugh. But he doesn’t laugh. I bite my lip, waiting for his reaction. First, he raises an eyebrow and then he… he smiles. And he doesn’t stop smiling. 

“I…” Hesitation. And then Winston shakes his head and chuckles. “Yeah, let’s go have a terrible time.”

***

Englischer Garten or The English Garden. All it took was a ten-minute taxi drive and we got here. Still not sure how since between me and Winston, we know three German words. With the help of Google Translate, we got to where we needed to and I paid because Winston only had dollars on him.

We didn’t even know about this place, this was just the first thing Winston could find and it’s good enough.

It’s late in the evening so of course it’s dark and not that busy. And this park is fucking massive let me tell you. No one has any idea who the fuck we are. It’s perfect.

Don’t ask me how we ended up here but we did. Laying on the ground with his head on my chest and his leg touching mine. I don’t know how this happened but it did and I’m not planning on moving. Ever.

“I hope you’re having a terrible time,” Winston says sleepily as I twirl a lock of his hair around my finger. I wonder where Holden is while his boyfriend is laying on my chest and letting me play with his hair. Hopefully far far away.

“Definitely the worst day of my life,” I add and Winston laughs quietly. I missed this. I missed it being just us, me making him laugh. I really want this. I want this to be normal. I wanna come home and have him lay on my chest while I tell him about my day. I wanna play with his hair when he’s in a bad mood. I wanna hold him when he’s sad and I wanna make him laugh. I even wanna be there when he’s angry and he just needs to let it out. I want all of it. 

"Does this mean something really good will happen to us now?" Winston asks playfully "Are we doing reverse psychology with the universe?" If only that's how it worked.

"I hope so, we deserve something good in our lives," I sigh. Things are going well with Justin and with Charlie and with Anders… I just want it to go well with him too. 

"Yes we do... " he says quietly and as I look down, he looks up. We smile at each other before looking away again. My fingertips tousel his hair and massage his scalp. I do it for a few minutes, feel his body relax and his breathing slow down. He's not gonna fall asleep on me in the middle of a park, is he? 

"Hey," I say quietly and then he shifts his body around which only results in him laying even closer to me. Almost on top basically. I need to breathe. "I need to… I'm sorry for everything." Where did that come from? No idea. But I told Nick that if I got the chance to apologise I would. And here's my chance. 

"And before you say anything, I just want you to know that I regret it. I regret hurting you and if I could go back and do it differently… I would." I start and once the words are out of my mouth, it flows easily. I know what I wanna say. More or less. I just need to say them out loud and not in my head. "I never should have… treated you like I did when you were on the crew. Like an object." Because I did treat him like an object. More than once. "That was fucking messed up. And I never should have blamed you for anything, you were just trying to help and I… I always lashed out at you." I pause because that's the easy part. That's over and I don't dare look at Winston. Though he can probably feel my heartbeat through all the layers of clothing I'm wearing. Vulnerability. I'm showing it all to him and I don't regret it one bit. 

"Winston... " My fingertips gently brush over his curls and I watch as my fingers run through his hair. This is what I want. This. "I never said thank you for all the things you did for me. You were… always putting up with my bullshit and I never thanked you-"

"Monty-" he tries to interrupt me but I won't let him. I've been thinking about doing this for the better part of almost two years. I'm. Not giving up now. 

"Let me finish," I say quietly. I rest my hand on the back of his head as I bury my hand in his hair. His neck feels warm, always has this thick mane weighing it down. But he looks good like this and we both know it. "I'm sorry for…" I start and then I have to lick my dry lips before I can continue. "I'm sorry for always lashing out on you when you were only trying to help. I never should have said the things I did. The things about Leo- and I know I should have tried harder when Leeya got in between us. I'm sorry I didn't… I'm sorry for giving up on… us. I wish I could have been better for you."

A heavy weight comes off my chest. There. It's out in the open. He knows how I feel. But I'm not gonna say those three words, I know he won't say it back. But he deserves that apology. It's long overdue. 

I hear him swallow and it sounds like he's trying to choke down a sob. Though I can be sure because he looks down and covers most of his face with his hair. Winston stills and then he gives me a stiff nod. "I know you're sorry. And it's okay," he says shortly and then he moves again. His hand brushes over my chest in a soothing manner. He lets it rest just below my right rib cage. "That's… forgotten. You're not like that anymore." Not like that? Like what? "But thank you. I really appreciate it."

Maybe closure is possible after all. We sit in silence for a few minutes and I almost give in to picking up my phone. I turned it off the second I got the first text from Joe asking where we were. He can't honestly think I'm that stupid. What's in it for him to trick me into seeing my sister? Surely there's a reason behind it all. And I don't think it's a coincidence that out of all the girls in the world he chose to be with Estela without knowing that she's my sister. Does he think that the name de la Cruz is just that common? It isn't.

"Do you wanna talk about why you walked out?" Winston asks. I could just as easily ask him what he and Joe were doing in the kitchen but I don't care. It's whatever. 

"Joe's marrying my sister.”

Winston laughs. "Right… but seriously, what's up?" He sits up and looks down at me. I avoid his eye contact. I'm not kidding. I wish I was but this is real. It's not a fucking joke. Winston's face falls and his eyebrows furrow. "Oh... Oh." Yeah. Oh. 

"I don't really care," I say simply. "Just pissed off." And I don't wanna talk about it but he knows that. So Winston nods and then he lays down again. His head is next to mine and he places his hands on his stomach. I do the same. “I don’t wanna talk about it but… I’ve told you about my sister. I hate her and I don’t want her in my life. I don’t wanna talk about it.”

After a pause, Winston sighs. "Okay… Can I be honest with you?" he asks. I guess we're friends now so… Friends are supposed to be honest with each other. And that's what we're trying to be. So I nod and wait. What does he want to tell me? I’ve told him about the worst shit in my life. My past. Everything. He should be able to tell me anything. 

"When I came to your house… and we talked?" Winston glances at me uncertainly. "I didn't come over just to make sure you didn't tell Holden." I thought that was obvious. But Winston is coming clean so I let him come clean. Whatever makes him feel better. 

"I knew you wouldn't do that," he continues as he brings his hand up to his hair. He twists a strand of thick dark hair around his pointer finger as he looks up at the sky above us. "I came because… I guess I was angry at you." Slowly, he turns his head to the side like he wants to see my reaction. But I don't react. After all that shit I did to him, I'm surprised he didn't kill me. He has all the right in the world to be angry with me. 

"Can I ask why?" I turn my head and my nose brushes against his cheek. Both of us breathe in sharply and then we look away again. Almost like we've been burnt. Playing with fire. 

Just as I start to think he won't answer my question, Winston's chest rises and falls as he takes a deep breath in and out. "Because I saw you with Alex," he whispers. 

Joe's goddamned engagement party. He rubbed Holden in my face and made me feel like shit. Now he's telling me that he was jealous of Alex? My stomach twists just at the sound of that name. I guess I knew I'd have to have this conversation one way or another. 

"And I could see that you two were close so… at first, I thought I was mad because you moved on and I didn’t want you to, I wanted you to miss me, to think about me and here you were, with some new guy." Winston scoffs. It reminds me of that time he came to my house and told me how ‘unspecial’ Alex was. That's the same attitude he has right now. He saw the necklace and he wasn't ready to let go so he didn't want me to either. And I was flaunting Alex about trying to convince everyone that I was fine even though I clearly wasn't.

"Trust me, I did miss you and I did think about you," I say with a small chuckle. He doesn't have a clue but I see him smile for a split second. I need to let him talk. I need to know. "What are you saying?"

"I was jealous, okay?" he admits it so casually that I almost laugh. Never in a million years was I expecting to hear that phrase coming out of his mouth. But he's admitting it shamelessly. Admitting that he feels something for me in a way.

I watch as he bites his bottom lip, wonders what to say next and how to say it. There's no shame, no judgment. Just the truth. "So so so fucking jealous," Winston mutters to himself. "I just… I never thought there would be a time when you'd be sleeping with other guys. I hate that. I hate how… I don't know. I hate that Alex had you in that way," Winston let's out a shaky sigh. He doesn't need to say anymore, I've heard all I wanted to hear

Even though I'm pissed that he was jealous of me sleeping with other guys while he was in a fucking relationship, I'm also really really glad that he was. It's the best news I've gotten all year. 

And Winston then does what I never expected him to do. He finally turns his head so he can look me in the eye. And my mouth turns dry. "I didn't want anyone else to have you. And that really fucking scares me," he whispers and my eyes focus on his lips and the way they move with every word he pronounces. I'd never look at another guy if that meant I could have him. I don't want anyone else ever. I just want him. I'd give everything up for him. Though it's not that easy. 

"Winston… I-I know. I understand you. I really do and I want nothing more but to… What about Holden?" Someone had to bring him up. I don't wanna start this thing by making him cheat. No, we're gonna do it right this time. I don't care how long it takes. We're gonna do it right.

"I don't want Holden to have me in the same way that you did either," Winston says as he sits up. "I don't want anyone." He purses his lips, gives me the sad puppy dog eyes even though he knows he doesn’t need to persuade me anymore. I don't care about anything right now. He doesn't want Holden. He doesn't want anyone but me. But me. 

"So please tell me I didn't make a fool out of myself for nothing," Winston says as his lip starts to tremble. He quickly stops it by biting down hard on it. I sit up and he moves in, places his hand right next to my thigh as he leans in. His voice is almost inaudible "Please… please tell me there's still something… here. I know we've said things-"

"I love you," I cut him off and he chokes out a sigh of relief. His eyes turn glassy but… this isn't it. We still have so much to do. "And I always will. I want you to know that I'll never love anyone like I love you." And that's when it starts to change because instead of smiling, his lip is trembling again. 

"But?" His voice is small, I almost don't recognise it. 

"But I don't wanna rush into things," I say and I bring my hand up to his face without as much as a second thought. I cradle his face in my hands and I bring our foreheads together. He's warm, much warmer than me and his whole face is bright pink. Just looking at him makes me sweat. Which is why I know I'm doing the right thing. 

"I wanna do it right this time," I whisper as my cool forehead rests against his own burning up skin. "I wanna… take you out on dates and I wanna… make breakfast with you. I wanna fight with about the most pointless shit… like leaving my dirty laundry on the bedroom floor and I wanna wake up by your side every morning. I want you so much that it hurts. It's all I can fucking think about. It's all I want... " We're both sobbing, tears falling down our cheeks and onto the grass like rain. And all I can focus on is him. How my thumb caresses the nape of his neck, how he's trying to rest his temple against mine because he needs more. After all these years all he wants is more, to finally close that tiny gap between us. I can't let him. 

"So... " I pull back a little, completely losing skin to skin contact with him apart from how my thumb is still brushing past this neck. He looks a little taken aback by it but he searches my eyes and waits patiently. We're not gonna rush this. I'm not gonna let him. "I'm gonna give you time to think this over-"

"I don't need-"

"I don't want you to make a decision based on just this one conversation," I say. "I'll be your friend and I want you to take as much time as you need. Until you're sure. And I mean it, I want you to be sure that you want this as much as I do." Winston nods eagerly still wanting to prove to me that he does. But he's emotional and he's still in a relationship and he's still… he needs to think it over without me around. 

"Thank you," he whispers finally as he closes his eyes. "I'll take my time." That's all I wanted. All I can ask for. 

***

We're not really sure what to do. We must have walked around this park about three times now and we haven't said a word to each other. We're not even walking within each other’s reach. He walks on one side of the path and I on the other. Both of us are overwhelmed and yet Winston thinks this is the time to ask another question I don't feel like answering. 

"Do you mind if I ask what happened with Alex?" 

"Winston." I shake my head to tell him to drop it. I'm not in the mood. I'm just really tired and everything is just starting to get to me. Joe Estela Holden Winston… I'm not gonna sleep a wink tonight. 

"I just wanna know what happened," he continues. I don't want him to know in case it changes how he looks at me. He doesn't understand that. "Monty-"

"I said, drop it! Alright?" And I try to walk away from him but he grabs my elbow and he pulls me back. I'm not angry with him. I'm not. I'm embarrassed. Fucking ashamed. I don't want him to know this. 

"If you were serious about the things we talked about before... " Winston begins as his grip on my arm loosens until his hand is by his side again. "We're gonna have to talk to each other. And trust that we can tell each other even the most difficult things. I want us to share those things. That's what this is all about. Please?" 

I need to trust him with everything. I've never trusted anyone like that before. Ever. But I know he means it when he says he'd like to know. I take a deep breath in but I can't look him in the eye, I bow my head. "Alex was… I never should have gotten involved with a kid."

Winston is silent for a second. Then he says, "I thought he was eighteen?" 

"He was-is!" I quickly say. The last thing I need is for Winston to think I got involved with a kid. Which is exactly what I just said. "I just meant that he's young… and immature." Winston doesn't judge, he gives me a small encouraging nod. I can do this. I need to learn to tell him shit like this even if it's not pretty. 

"He erm… I fucking ignored him because I realised that I didn't want him anymore and he…" I trail off just remembering that conversation. How he cornered me at the supermarket where anyone could hear. Anyone could hear and make their own assumptions. "He said he was gonna get me done for rape. That he was gonna tell everyone I slept with him when he was 17…" I look up and Winston is looking at me like for once in his life he's unsure of what to say. He can't seriously think I did this. "I didn't, okay?"

It's like something in him snaps, he nods and then shakes his head like he's trying to make sense of this. I wasn't sure what happened until days after Alex had the conversation with me. It took me a while to come to terms with what he said and I wasn't sure what to do because I knew it wouldn't end well for me. 

"I know I know, I believe you…" Winston says softly and then he wraps his arms around me like it’s second nature. I stiffen at first. Winston hugging me? Only in my dreams. And yet it's happening. So I bury my head into his shoulder and I let him hold me there in this weird little park in Germany. "I'm sorry you had to go through that," he whispers.

And I'm sorry that I was too stupid to see that he was only using me. “You know I thought he wanted to be with me because he liked me?” I say quietly and I pull away. I’m not upset about it, I don’t need him to comfort me. I’m just pissed off. “He kept sucking up to me but he also kept looking through my shit, trying to dig into my life and get to know my friends… he didn't want me. He wanted my status.” I pause and breath out sharply. I never meant anything to Alex. “Anders paid him off, said that was the easiest way out and now he's gone. I don’t wanna talk about it…. I didn't do anything wrong but I still… I should have known better.”

Winston tries to tell me that I couldn’t have known and that it’s not my fault. But this never would have happened if I had just… told Alex to fuck off. I didn’t need a replacement for Winston. “I don’t wanna talk about it,” I repeat. I wish I could just wipe that whole fucking chapter from my life. Would be way easier.

As I begin to walk away, Winston follows. This time he doesn’t walk on the other side of the pathway but right next to me. I expect him to bug me about Alex but he doesn’t. No, he just walks in silence like we have been doing for the past hour or not.

“One of the reasons Holden left was because he said I was working too hard,” Winston then says. I don’t know why he’s telling me this but I can guess that he wants to share something about himself too. So I don’t ask questions, I let him speak. “And I don’t know if you know this but… I’m not taking as many modelling jobs now.” Sure I’ve noticed that he wasn’t on many magazine covers recently. If I looked. But I didn’t investigate because I had bigger things to worry about. Winston glances at me, I think he seems slightly nervous. But what can I say? Nothing.

“I’m really grateful that you got me this job of course,” he then says. “But I think I wanna go back to being behind the camera. At least for now. I miss it.”

“Okay, I hope it works out.” I shrug, it’s not exactly my choice. I can’t control him so I’ll support whatever he chooses to do. He knows what’s best for him even though he did choose to date Holden. Just a minor mistake that I’m ready to forget.

I also know that Winston wasn’t asking for my approval or my permission. He was simply sharing. We have to talk to each other. Communicate. We’ll do better than last time.

“Me too,” Winston replies and then we walk past a bench where a homeless man is sleeping with his dog. I look away guiltily. At least I don’t have it that bad. “But, erm, Holden said I was working hard only to avoid spending time with him...”

“Were you?” I think the answer is pretty clear from the look he gives me. Yes, he was. Even though I think he’s stupid for staying with Holden, thinking he’ll eventually learn to love him… I see why he did it. Doesn’t mean, I don’t think he was stupid for it.

“I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that… I know I don’t deserve Holden,” Winston sighs and he slows down in walking. He doesn’t deserve Holden? Holden doesn’t deserve _ him.  _ I don’t want him to be sad over Holden. I don’t, I want him to see that it’s not worth it. But they’ve been together for over a year so… Winston may have felt something for him at some point.

I don’t really wanna hear this but Winston continues anyway. “He always tried his best to make it work and I put in just enough effort to not upset him.” Winston laughs dryly. He’s evidently embarrassed, maybe a little ashamed to have to admit this out loud. He doesn’t have to tell me but he wants to. He chooses to. “I just didn’t want to be alone again.”

And there’s the reason for why he did it. He shared this with me, something that was probably very difficult for him to admit out loud. Especially to me. So maybe it’s my turn to do the same. 

“I wish I could have more time,” I blurt out stupidly. Winston looks at me like he’s unsure of what I mean. He wasn’t expecting me to say anything. “To… I don’t know how to explain. But it’s been months and months and I still feel like I haven’t changed much. Like I haven’t made enough progress from the person I used to be. You know the one, used to get into, walked out of interviews, never got close to anyone…”

“Rings a bell,” Winston says with a small smile.

Telling him isn’t as scary as I thought it would be. I need him to know this side of me too. He’s already seen the worst parts of me. “I don’t wanna be that guy anymore. But that guy is me and I don’t think I’m changing… I’m scared I’ll run out of time to better myself.”

Winston steps in front of me and blocks my way. I can’t go on further and then I look up and he’s smiling at me. “You have changed,” he states. Coming from him - it means something more than if it was coming from anyone else. “A lot. I don’t think the old Monty would have had the balls to tell me this. And he wouldn’t go out of his way to help a boy with an abusive father. He also didn’t care about anything other than getting what he wanted…”

“I-”

“And just a while ago you told me to take time for myself until I was ready for… this,” Winston continues and he never stops smiling. I dare to meet his eye. They’re the perfect mixture of green and brown and they shine bright. I haven’t seen that look in his eye for a long time. “You have changed, Monty. And I don't know your sister. But whatever happened… How do you know that she hasn't changed too? Don't you at least wanna talk to her?”

Could she have changed? Maybe... But I’m only doing this for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, planning on updating frequently now for a while


	8. Boundaries

**Chapter Eight**

I don't knock on the door even though Winston tells me to slow down and knock, I'm not gonna wait out here while my sister is inside pretending that she loves my best friend. I need him to know this. She's just using him to get to me. 

"Monty!"

I burst in through the front door and the adrenaline flooding my body carries me into the living room where Joe is pacing up and down, holding his phone up next to his ear. Winston tries to grab my arm and pull me back but it’s no use. I’m not gonna let him hold me back.

I need to do this.

Joe immediately sets his phone down on the table and he stares at me. He looks confused, worried but not even a little angry. That’s about to change. “Where were you? I left you like a hundred messages! Thought you might have left but your bags are-”

“Joe, I need to tell you something,” I interrupt him. I’m gonna give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he doesn’t know he’s planning on marrying my sister. So many people have let me down, left me. I really don’t wanna lose Joe too. No, I need him. My friend. I need him and he better be as clueless as he can be. 

I glance at Winston who’s now looking between me and Joe with wide eyes. I’ll keep my cool, I won’t cause a scene. I promised him I’ll do this as calmly as I can. I’m trying my best over here.

“Okay…?” Joe crosses his arms over his chest. He wants an explanation. But he also has something that  _ he _ needs to tell me. “Can this wait ‘cause-”

“What’s going on?” The blood in my veins turns cold at the sound of the feminine voice. Is it strange that I’ve forgotten the sound of her voice? Maybe it is but what did I expect? I’ve done the best I could at blocking her and the rest of my family out of my head. Thinking I had a family never did me any good. 

I hold my breath and I stare straight at Joe. He’s looking behind me and he smiles at the woman who enters the room. I hear her footsteps and then she’s standing next to my best friend. He puts his arm around her.

I feel sick.

I’m not sure what to say. What _ can _ I say? Nothing. So I just stare. 

She’s not the little girl I remember. She’s not fifteen anymore. She’s not wearing braces, she’s slimmer but just as small and her hair is shorter, not in pigtails like dad always wanted her to wear. She’s not my sister. I lost my sister a long time ago.

“This is Ella Reed, my-”

“My sister,” I interrupt Joe and my mouth tastes sour as soon as the word leaves my lips. Ella Reed. That’s a nice name she chose for herself. Doesn’t she wanna be associated with me? Is the de la Cruz name too much for her? Is she embarrassed for people to know that we’re related? Most definitely. 

Joe narrows his eyes at me, he looks at Estela but she’s looking down at the ground. He laughs nervously. It’s like time has stopped in the few seconds I see Joe try to make sense of this. He looks at each one of us in turn again, raises an eyebrow and then he takes a step back. His arm slips away from around my sister’s shoulders. “W-What do you mean?” He shakes his head and for a second I feel terrible for thinking that he was in on this. He’s just a victim. Manipulated by my sister. 

“Joe, can Monty and I have a moment alone?” Of course Estela is the first one to speak while the rest of us stand there like idiots. At least she doesn’t sound confident. Not at all. She’s just as shaken up as me but surely she must have known that  _ I’m _ Joe’s best friend. Her own brother. It must have come up at some point.

Winston has no idea what to say, I’m too pissed off to speak and Joe is confused, he doesn’t know what he should believe. 

Silence.

Estela puts her hand on Joe’s shoulder and looks at me. The last thing I wanna do is be alone with her. I might as well just walk out now because there’s no way I’m gonna go in a room alone with that woman. I can’t do it.

I remember why we fell out. The car accident, Scott, the drugs and then Bryce… prison. It wasn’t pretty. She hates me and I hate her.

She’s definitely not here to apologise.

I take a step back only to walk right into Winston. He places a firm hand on my shoulder and my breath hitches in my throat. I don’t need him to say a word, I know he wants me to do what I promised him I’d do and give my sister a chance.

Joe nods uncertainly while his eyes bore into mine. He looks pissed now. But why? I didn’t fucking do anything, it’s not my fucking fault that this is happening. And I don’t know what’s gonna happen after like are they still gonna get married? I don’t see why they would since she’s only using him.

Winston walks past me and he puts his hand on Joe’s back, now he’s the one who needs Winston’s help. He stirs him into the direction of the kitchen and together they leave me and Estela alone in the living room. I don’t know how this would have ended if I didn’t take Winston with me. Or if I didn’t see that picture. Estela would have walked in and I would have lost it.

“Joe didn’t know that I’m your sister,” Estela begins. Sister? I scoff.

“You’re not my sister. I don’t have a family.” I turn my back on her like she did on me years ago. I needed a family then, someone who’d stick with me and she- Family doesn’t do that. Leo was more like my family than she ever was.

“And you’re not my brother either,” Estela snaps. Huh? I turn around so fast that I almost slip. She made sure I knew that a long time ago when she cut me off. But I expected at least an apology. Hoped for one.

“You-”

“But I do forgive you, Monty,” she continues. I clench my jaw and try my best to breathe. I don’t need her fucking forgiveness. I don’t need to talk to her. I need to get the fuck out of here. 

But I promised Winston.

“And I’m not gonna ask for your blessing to marry Joe... but if you wanna catch up and start acting like my brother then… I’m sure we can figure it out,” Estela continues and her voice gets softer. As if I’m gonna believe that.

She can’t think that this joke of a wedding will ever go ahead. I’ll make sure it won’t. For Joey’s sake. “You can stop pretending and stop using Joe. He-”

“I  _ love _ Joe,” Estela says and she glares at me. “And I know you don’t believe that. I know you always twist things to make yourself feel better but I’m not doing this to get to you, I love him and I’m gonna marry him.”

Stupid and naive. She doesn’t even know him. She has no idea that Joe changes girlfriends more than he changes his underwear. She’s not gonna fool me, I don’t wanna listen to it. Joe doesn’t know her either, doesn’t even know her real name. I’ll talk him out of it. I will.

“I don’t give a fuck! Marry him if you want but I’m not gonna be there,” I shout and glance at the kitchen door. I wonder if they can hear me. I just feel bad for Joe for getting involved in this, he doesn’t deserve to be used like this. 

Estela doesn’t love him. She couldn’t even tell him the truth about… anything. Her name even. How does she expect me to believe anything that comes out of her mouth? Ella Reed. It’s a joke.

“Monty, you ran away and you forgot about all of us. You got out of prison and you never looked back!” She takes a few steps towards me and I roll my eyes. Yeah, I ran as far as I could, if that’s what my ‘family’ was then I didn’t want a family. And I knew they didn’t want me either.

“Can you blame me?”

“Don’t make me a villain, Monty,” Estela sighs. “I know I fucked up too but you never gave me a chance to be better. You pushed me away and you pushed mom away. We never got a second chance.”

“As far as I’m concerned, you don’t deserve a second chance,” I snap. Not now, not ever. “And I’m done talking to you.”

I’ve already had one difficult conversation today, I’m not prepared to have another one.

They must have been listening in because the door to the kitchen opens and Winston stands in the doorway looking uneasy. Definitely to make sure I don’t run off again. So what else am I meant to do?

***

I’m only doing this for Joe. Whatever the circumstances, I still came here for him. For my friend. I promised him I’ll stay and I’ll watch him play.

It was Winston’s idea for us to just have some rest, get over the jetlag and talk things over tomorrow. He walked into that living room like he had his whole life figured out - stood there between me and Estela and said that we were all too tired to think rationally. 

Bullshit, I was very rational but if Winston says so...

So I’m still sleeping at Joe’s place like planned. But I’m not gonna forgive anything, I’m not gonna get over anything and I’m certainly not gonna let her make a fool out of me. I didn’t come here for that.

The clock keeps ticking and it’s getting on my last nerve. This whole room is too empty, too quiet, too dark and too cold. No matter how hard I try to sleep, all these questions keep invading my mind. 

As selfish as it sounds, I don’t want this wedding to happen. I really don’t. I don’t want my sister marrying my best friend. We’ve been here before and it didn’t end well. Maybe I  _ will _ have to talk to Joe…

One in the morning. It’s not fucking funny at this point. I’m not gonna get any sleep today and tomorrow will only be worse. Or today actually, it’s already past midnight. I don’t wanna think about the conversations I’m not gonna have to have but just when I start to forget about this bullshit with Joey, my conversation with Winston pops into my head and I end up replaying it in my head for what seems like hours.

What if he misunderstood me? I want him and I’m willing to wait. That’s what I was trying to say except I can never say the right thing when he’s around me. What if we’re not even on the same page?

He’s only next door.

And I know I shouldn’t, okay? I fucking know. But I’m seriously tired after all I’ve gone through today. I didn’t cause a scene and I listened to Winston so yeah, I think I deserve to make a small mistake that won’t really matter. 

Then suddenly I’m standing outside his door. Unsure of whether I should knock or not, I open the door as quietly as I can. If he’s asleep then I’ll just leave. I’ll leave. 

The light coming from the hallway creeps into the guest bedroom as I open the door, I step inside and my eyes focus on the bed. The door opens a little further until the light is shining on him. He may have been sleeping before but he’s awake now so that’s all I give a shit about. 

I don’t have to leave.

Winston sits up and he shields his eyes from the light with his hand. “Monty… What are you doing?” His voice is raspy and my heart skips a beat. That’s how I know I should be getting out of there. Instead, I close the door.

“I can’t sleep,” I say. But he obviously can. I wonder how it’s so easy for him to fall asleep when all of this is going on, maybe he can help me out. I play with the hem of my dark blue T-shirt and wait for him to speak. I hope he’s wearing something underneath those covers, I at least put some shorts on. We don’t have much self-restraint left.

Winston sighs and he drops his hand away from his face, no longer having to protect his eyes. For a second, I think he’ll tell me that we shouldn’t be doing this. For once he can try to tell me no. He can’t, he lifts his covers and doesn’t look away from me. “Come ‘ere then.”

It’s okay. He wants to. 

So I don’t think twice before walking towards his bed, he holds the duvet for me and I slip in next to him with ease. He’s warm whereas I’m slightly cold, I try to lay down without touching him. Boundaries. 

Boundaries that Winston chooses to break.

He covers me with the duvet but his arm stays there - on top of it. And then he’s hugging me, wrapping his arm around my middle and holding me close. I can feel his heartbeat thudding against my back. Neither of us has any idea what we’re doing. We never did.

I want him to break up with Holden. I do. I don’t want him to be in the picture but I told Winston that I’d give him time. He needs time to deal with this in his own way. So Holden may be his boyfriend but I’m the one who’s currently in bed with him. Winston said it himself, he doesn’t want anyone but me. Holden isn’t a threat.

“You okay?” I thought he was asleep already but he moves his thumb backwards and forwards across my collarbone. I forget how to breathe. It’s just  _ him. _

“I am now.” He laughs softly. The sound I’ve been dying to hear. His sleepy laughter, soft touch and his everything. I breathe in his scent, his perfume and his shampoo and it _ is _ all okay now. We can be good together. And we will be. I know it.

“You wanna talk about it?” Winston whispers. His head is just behind mine, his breath tickles the back of my head. I bite my lip.

“It?”

“Whatever’s on your mind.”

I sigh. There’s way too much shit on my mind, if I started right now we wouldn’t get a chance to sleep. No, I’m fine just laying here and pretending everything’s right only because he’s lying right next to me. He makes me feel  _ so _ okay. No one ever has.

“No,” I answer shortly as Winston tightens his grip around me. I feel him moving closer to me as if there’s even space for him to do that. We can’t get any closer than we already are. “Just wanna sleep.”

“Mhm.” 

Winston kisses my shoulder and all the oxygen leaves my lungs. He shouldn’t. He really shouldn’t. I don’t wanna do  _ this  _ while one of us is dating someone else, we did that last time and look what happened. 

Sleeping in the same bed is innocent. It can stay that way. We just need to try.

“Goodnight,” I say, hoping Winston gets the hint without me actually having to say it.

He sighs and after a second says, “Night.”

It’s obvious that he’s disappointed.

***

I left Winston to sleep and to… give him some privacy. I woke up with his arms wrapped around me, his lips pressed against my neck and something hard poking me in the back of my thigh. I felt like I had accomplished something but then I remembered that he hasn’t had sex with anyone for… God knows how long. 

So I’ll just pretend I didn’t see anything.

I wasn’t expecting to bump into Joe in the kitchen and it looks like he wasn’t expecting to bump into me either. He jumps when I enter the room and then we just stand there awkwardly. Not being able to look one another in the eye.

“Er, morning.” I look around before deciding to get a fucking grip and make myself some coffee. Taking a few steps forward, I glance at the cupboard closest to me.

“Morning,” Joe answers and he pushes light brown hair away from his face. “The, uh, the mugs are here.” He opens a cupboard for me and smiles awkwardly as he steps back. 

“Thanks.” While I pick out a white mug, Joe puts the kettle on. I bet he and Estela talked about me all night because he looks even worse than me. Dark circles under his eyes and his skin is weirdly pale. Maybe he was even sick this morning.

“So you have a sister,” he then states. Slowly, I turn around to face him. He stands on the other side of the room with his hands in his pockets. One of us had to say it.

“Joe-”

“And her name’s Estela. Not Ella Reed,” he adds slowly. Then he laughs and my chest tightens. This isn’t good. “She had me fooled man, I really thought she loved me.” 

I don’t wanna do this. I don’t wanna be in the middle of this. It’s none of my business. “She told me she loves you-”

“And she also told me that her name was Ella and she was an only child,” Joe says and he scoffs. Knew this was gonna happen but at least Joe isn’t blind, he can see that she was using him. She may have said that she didn’t do this to get to me but… maybe she needs money. 

“I’m sorry,” I say and then Joe looks away when the kettle turns off. He picks it up and walks over to me.

“Me too,” Joe says with a sigh and then he fills my cup with water from the kettle - just three-quarters of the way so I have room for milk. Then he sets the kettle down on the counter and his face crumbles. “I really thought-”

“I know.” He bows his head and I hear him sniffling. I’m not the comforting type but I squeeze his shoulder. I hope that’s good enough. 

Even if it’s not my fault, I feel guilty. Like I could have stopped this in some way. I can’t turn back time but I can be there for him, I’ll stay and I’ll help him out. Whatever he needs. I can be a good friend.

We stand there for a couple of seconds until Joe finally looks up and he smiles like nothing’s wrong. “I’m all good man. Women… No wonder you’re still single after all this time.” If only he knew that’s because I’m not into women at all.

“Yeah…” Joe stares at me for a couple of seconds, licks his lips and then he walks over to the fridge. He passes the milk carton to me with a small smile and I wonder if I should talk about what’s gonna happen now. As in today. 

I stir my coffee with a spoon I find in the drawer next to my hip and Joe doesn’t leave. I know he wants to talk but he looks away the second I look at him. “Monty, look.” Joe closes his eyes for a moment before he speaks. “I’m sorry you had to find out this way. And I… I wish you could stay and watch me play but… I just kicked my fiancee out this morning and I _ really _ want to be alone. Fuck, I don’t even know if I’m getting married...”

I don’t think he should be alone. I could stay and distract him, Winston and I could keep him company. It’d be good to have the three of us here. We could… maybe I could even tell Joe about Winston.

“I have training in an hour so… you guys don’t have to leave just yet but… I really fucking wanna be alone right now.” Joe says again in case I didn’t quite catch it the first time. So that’s that. 

I give him an awkward pat on the shoulder as I walk past with my coffee. Now, how do I tell Winston that we have to leave even though we’ve only been here for about twelve hours? 

I’m not blaming Joey, he’s going through it and he knows what he needs right now. Space. All I wanna do is make sure that he’s okay.

Maybe I should have knocked, then I wouldn't be walking in on him changing.

“Oh, sorry I-”

“It’s alright, I’m almost done,” Winston says when I turn back to the door. But he’s only wearing jeans and his chest… I focus on my feet so he doesn’t catch me staring.

I cling onto my cup of coffee for dear life. Just don’t look up. Don’t stare at him. Don’t move. And then suddenly my coffee is being pulled out of my hand. 

I look up just in time to see Winston holding the cup up to his lips and taking a sip. He doesn’t even have a fucking shirt on. He could at least pretend that he doesn’t want me.

“Would it have hurt you to add some sugar?” Winston pulls a face and then he licks his lips. That coffee was for me, if it was for him I would have added sugar. 

“I’d like that back,” I say. Even though his lips were on that cup. Winston grins childishly and then takes another sip. He pulls the same face straight after. Idiot.

“Here.” He passes the cup back to me and our fingers touch for a couple of seconds. Just making sure I don’t drop the cup. I take a sip just as Winston goes to sit on the edge of the bed. He made the bed and all I can think about is how he was holding me while we slept.

Winston must have showered, his hair looks damp but all I can think about is that when I left this room he was hard and now he’s not. Don’t fucking think about that. Focus.

“So… Have you thought about… everything? Are you gonna talk to your-”

“Joe doesn’t want us here,” I interrupt him. Winston raises an eyebrow. “He wants some… space. He kicked Estela out this morning so… I’m sorry for dragging you here and wasting your time.” I bring the cup up to my lips and I look at the wall while I take a sip. It _ is _ a little bitter.

“What… You’re not wasting my time,” Winston says and he stands up. I lick my lips as he takes a couple of steps towards me. “Just because we can’t stay here doesn’t mean we have to leave.”

He doesn’t get it. Joe was really sure about it. I’d love to stay and help too but he wants us out. “No, I’m serious. He doesn’t want us here, he needs some alone time.”

“What I’m saying is that we can still stay in Germany,” Winston says, rolling his eyes. “I don’t wanna go back on a plane when we only just got here.” WInston stops in front of me, puts his hands in his pockets and that’s when I see it. 

The necklace around his neck. I was trying my best to avoid looking anywhere near his chest and now… I see the angel resting just below his collar bones and this sour taste fills my mouth again and my hands start to shake.

“You okay? You don’t look so good,” Winston says frowning. I don’t look so good? Is he  _ surprised? _

“Why the fuck- Why?” I grab the pendant of the necklace and Winston stares at me with wide eyes. I can’t even formulate my question. I  _ can’t. _

“Why what?” he asks quietly while my thumb touches the angel’s wing. I remember how it touched his bottom lip in that photo. I completely forgot about it and he still fucking has it. Why did he keep it? Why? 

“You know what.” I quickly drop the pendant when I realise how close we are to each other and I take one step back for good measure.

"What do you want me to say?" Winston whispers and he looks down at the floor. 

"The truth would be nice." I card my fingers through my messy hair. "Why… why do you still have it?"

Winston smiles to himself. "I couldn't just throw it away, could I? You gave it to me so I… I kept it." He shrugs like that's all. But I'm not letting him get out of this so easily. 

"And what's your excuse for wearing it in the photoshoot?" I raise an eyebrow and Winston blushes. Yeah, I saw the pictures. 

"It made me look hot," he says but then he drops the act when I glare at him. Yes, he's hot and yes, I know it but I'm not in the mood for games. "Because… I don't know. I wanted you to say something, okay? It was so fucking annoying how you saw me with Holden and you didn't give a shit. You just went back to that dumb fucking cabin and you never called or-" He pauses and bites his bottom lip. I stare straight at him but he won't look me in the eye. 

"And then you showed up at my place in fucking February... " Winston laughs humourless and I've got that bad feeling again. I did something wrong. "I fucking came to your place. I even stayed the night and I… I was trying my best to just… fucking get your attention somehow. I wanted you to just do  _ anything. _ Show me that you were still… not over me maybe? But you kicked me out and acted like you weren't even a little bit interested… you ignore me for months and then you show up in  _ February?" _

I guess that explains why he was so pissed with me when I showed up. Didn't even want to let me inside. "Do I need to remind you that you were with Holden then? You still are…" Winston looks up and just as quickly he looks away. What would ruining his relationship have proved? Only that I didn't give a fuck about anything but myself. 

"Monty-"

“I-”

_ “Listen _ to me,” Winston says desperately and he takes a step forward. “Holden left, you didn’t give a shit about me, Nick fucking…  _ hates _ me and I was all alone and then-” He pauses, drops his hands in surrounder and shakes his head. “I just  _ needed  _ you,” he says in a small voice, sounding like he’s about to break any second now. 

I thought that the conversation we had before was all we needed. Turns out I was wrong.

“You should have called, I would have picked up,” I say softly just as a tear drops and falls down Winston’s cheek. I can’t hold back, I reach forward and wipe it away with my thumb. He smiles even though his eyes sparkle with unshed tears.

My hand stays where it is, caressing his cheek and Winston slightly titles his head to the side. “Pride is a stuping thing,” he whispers and laughs even though there’s nothing funny about it. I laugh too. Pride is a joke. 

Only a moment later do I take my hand away and step back. It’s too tempting. "You can stay in Germany if you want, I need to go back to LA," I tell Winston. I said that we needed time to think this over but I didn't actually think that we'd  _ need _ to think it over. Obviously we do. And there's nothing here for me. "Anders will probably need me back home… Justin and Charlie too. You know?"

Winston steps back too and blinks like he’s only just now returning to reality. "Yeah, of course. Yeah I get it." A couple of days apart would do us good. Even if all I wanna do I hold him close and kiss him. No, we need to sort this out first. I'm not gonna do that to Holden. 

"I think I'll stay here for a couple of days though…” he continues. “I've got nothing to come back to in Chicago." Winston offers me a small smile. I nod. Nothing… funny how he spent a year with this guy and he means nothing to him now. But I prefer that over Winston falling for Holden. I can't stand the thought of him with someone else though I’d accept it because it's not my place to decide for him.

"Okay… send me pictures?" I ask trying to get rid of the slightly depressing mood from before and Winston chuckles. 

"Yeah, will do." 

As I'm walking towards the door, I think about saying it. Saying it just one more time just in case. Just to make sure. But I can't. Not until he says it back. 

So I got to my room to pack my stuff knowing that this time the journey home will be even harder. I'm leaving him behind.

***

Four days. He's been in Germany for four days and I'd be worried if it wasn't for the fact that he texts me every two minutes with a new picture or a new update. He's in Berlin now and he's enjoying himself. The food? Not so much. Let's just say that he's not a fan of the local sausage. 

I glance at my phone as I brush my teeth. Winston’s been talking about himself all this time and I don’t mind. I love all the pictures he sends to me. But I pause to read his new messages - he wants to know what I’m doing. I wipe my hands on the hand towel, let the toothbrush rest in my mouth and then I type a message to let him know I just got out of the shower and then I’m going to sleep because I have to see Charlie early tomorrow morning.

**_Winston:_ ** _ this might be the first time I’ve seen you be this organised. I won’t bother you anymore though, goodnight :) _

I like it when he bothers me but I can’t stay up again for him, Anders has already been giving me shit for staying up till three in the morning texting Winston. I’ll go to bed this time. However, as soon as I’m done washing my teeth, Anders knocks on the bathroom door.

“Hey, I’m putting Leon to bed, there’s someone downstairs for you,” he says and then walks past. Someone for me? That’s vague. My first thought is Estela but that’s only because she’s been on my mind constantly since I got back. I haven’t heard from her since but it’s not like she has a way of contacting me. And I told Anders about her so if it was her, he’d let me know.

It can’t be Joe either. He has matches to play. To lose. Because that’s what he’s been doing, Bayern lost their last game and it was because of a stupid mistake Joe made, he gave them a penalty and the opposition won 1-0. I haven’t heard from him since I last saw him either.

So I walk down the stairs wondering who it could be. Maybe Nick. Definitely Nick. We’ve only talked once in person, took him out for lunch to tell him about this mess of a trip. But we’ve both been busy so he’s probably here to check in. Make sure I haven’t fucked anything up yet.

Leeya is talking to someone in the living room. My name is being used. I walk through the hallway and then I stop in the living room entrance.

There’s a guy sitting on the couch. I know this guy even though I only see the back of his head. Leeya is standing in front of him but the second she spots me, she stops and smiles.

“Monty! I didn’t know you and Holden were still in touch,” she says with a smile. That’s because we aren’t. He’s the last person I expected to see today but I can guess why he’s here and I don’t feel so good.

“I’ll leave you two alone.” No, please don’t. I don’t wanna be alone with this guy. He’s twice my size, twice my body mass. He’ll crush me. He _ will _ because there’s only one reason for why he’d be here. 

Leeya puts her hand on my shoulder as she walks past and I have half a mind to grab her wrist and make her stay. But I don’t want Holden to see that I’m scared of him right now. That I can’t even have a conversion with him.

“Hey,” I say. This is good. I’ll just act clueless and hope for the best. Slowly, I make my way towards the couch but I stop when Holden stands up and glares at me. Okay, no hey. “What are you doing here?”

He stares at me for a couple of seconds, blinks several times. I wonder how this fucker knows where I live. Winston wouldn’t tell him, would he?

“What am I  _ doing  _ here?” Holden repeats and he pulls a face at me. I’ve never seen him looks this pissed and it takes a lot to get him angry. But I don’t think he came here to fight me. “I’ll tell you what. I came back to my house to make up with my boyfriend only to find out that he wasn’t there. But I bet  _ you _ know where he is.”

Make up with his boyfriend? A little too late for that. Thankfully. “He’s in Germany,” I say casually. 

Holden raises an eyebrow. Bet that wasn’t the answer he was expecting. Maybe he thought Winston was here. In my room? I wish. “Germany…” he repeats slowly while nodding. “What?” He thinks I’m messing with him. He’s gonna beat the shit out of me in a second.

I back away. “I, uh, asked him to come with me. But I’m back now and he stayed,” I explain as quickly as I can. Holden stops and his face is emotionless. He just stares at me. And we end up just looking at one other for a good few seconds until Holden scoffs and looks away.

“You two tried to cover it up so fucking well… you know I thought that  _ I _ was the problem?” I gulp as Holden takes a step towards me. He knows. “I thought that maybe I didn’t treat him well enough but you know what the problem actually was? I’m not you.” He pauses and shoots daggers at me like it’s my fucking fault. I never forced Winston to date him. To pretend to love him. I’m just the reason why he did.

I don’t say a word. I know better than to interrupt him. But he can say whatever he needs to say and then go on his merry way because we both know it’s over for him and Winston.

“So I hope you’re happy. You got what you wanted.” Holden continues. And indeed I did. I’m not gonna fucking apologise for this. Winston made a choice and we deserve to finally be happy. I don’t care about Holden. He fucked off a long time ago so he can fuck off now too. 

My lack of reaction seems to piss him off. Maybe I even smirked a little but I quickly looked down to hide it.

“And you say you don’t like hurting people but you walk around hurting people without even trying,” he continues. Jesus Christ, does this fucker ever shut up? I was going to listen him out but now he’s just taking the piss. Winston is his boyfriend, not me. Why isn’t he talking to  _ him _ instead?

"Look I know you're pissed-"

"I hoped you'd at least have the balls to tell me," Holden cuts me off. Alright, I'll let him speak. Motherfucker loves the sound of his own voice. "I knew…  _ something _ happened between you two... but I didn't think it was serious until I saw how you looked at each other. It didn’t take a genius back then to see that the two of you were fucking,” Holden says with disgust. So he  _ was  _ acting dumb when he ‘introduced’ me to Winston. Joe’s engagement party. That party must have been cursed.

"Why would I tell you?" I ask as my palms start to sweat. I didn't think it was that obvious. "There was nothing to tell." I vaguely remember making a joke back then, telling them that Winston was probably in love with me. If only.

Holden scoffs again and looks to the side. "Nothing? You don't ruin a relationship with 'nothing'," he tells me. So maybe it wasn’t nothing. It was  _ something _ but it wasn't my job to tell Holden. I think he's forgetting that Winston was in this just as much as me. And he never cheated on him. "So I'm not gonna stand in your way anymore. If you two wanna fuck each other up for the second time then go ahead."

I raise an eyebrow. Fuck each other up? He doesn't know anything about us. We’re not the same people that we were back then. We’re gonna be better now.

After a moment of silence, Holden decides to speak again. “I'd like to remind you that I saw him after you guys broke up. He was a mess. He almost never ate, he stayed in his room all day and didn't speak to anyone. For  _ months. _ ” He pauses just to take in my reaction. He looks satisfied to see that this is all new to me. 

Why did Winston never tell me about this? But then again, he doesn’t know that I spent months locked in my room too after we ended things.

“That New Year's party I met him on? He was drunk out of his mind and he was getting the shit beaten out of him.” He pauses once again. Just to stick it to me. I wasn’t there, he was. “I almost didn’t recognise him but I helped him out. I drove him to the hospital, made sure he was okay and then I took him home. I asked him why he didn’t defend himself from that guy… he said he just wanted to feel something again. It took me three months to finally convince him to go on a date with me. So thanks for everything. Because today would have been the year anniversary since our first date.”

And with that, he leaves me with all those things I didn’t wanna know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading


	9. A Man Waits

**Chapter Nine**

_ I’m gonna be fucking late and Anders is gonna kill me. So I run, I run down the corridor and then there’s another turn and I keep running and running and… I don’t know where I’m going. _

_ I slow down. The corridor is empty, the walls are white, the floors are white and it’s all… white. I suddenly realise that I have no idea what I’m late for. Is it a meeting? I can’t even remember getting here. _

_ So I turn around hoping to get the fuck out of here but the corridor is no longer behind me. Just a door. I turn around again. There’s no corridor, I’m just faced with two doors. I frown, hesitate, look between the two doors. Fuck it, I open one of them before the floor below my feet can disappear. _

_ The first thing that hits me is the comforting emptiness of the room. I can’t really see the walls or the ceiling or anything really. I just know that I’m inside an empty room. All alone. Or maybe not. _

_ “Took you long enough.” I spin around at the sound of the voice. I wasn’t expecting to see him here. First I raise an eyebrow and then I break into a grin. He doesn’t look a day older than the last time I saw him. All I can do is walk over to him. _

_ “What the fuck are you doing here?” I ask with no venom in my words as Leo hugs me tight - I can’t feel it. I just know he’s hugging me so tight that my ribs are about to be crushed. How is he here? And where exactly are we? _

_ When I pull away, I look around but our surroundings are just as hazy as ever. Everything’s unclear.  _

_ "Miss me?" Leo asks and he sits down on a chair that wasn't there before. Something weird is going on. But I don't care because he's right here.  _

_ "Man… you have no idea," I say and then something touches my leg. I turn around to see a chair. It makes sense to sit down.  _

_ For a moment, I just stare at him and take it all in and he stares back but he’s not surprised to see me. He just looks happy. "So… Winston," Leo says with a giant grin plastered on his face. He spreads his arms and then laughs. "Didn't see that one coming." _

_ For some reason, I haven’t seen him in what seems like years and that’s what he’s choosing to talk about. How does he know? Did Holden tell him? I feel uneasy with all those questions left unanswered. So I laugh too but the weird feeling stays in the pit of my stomach. "You're okay with it though… right?" I ask and he raises an eyebrow.  _

_ "Seriously? You have to ask? You know I've always been on your side no matter what. I don't care if you like guys or girls. It doesn't change anything about you," he says and rolls his eyes like its that easy. Is it? Leo leans forward in his chair and smiles again. "But it's been three days since Holden spoke to you… and you haven't spoken to Winston since. What's up?" _

_ What's up? A lot is up. I know I shouldn't but I feel so fucking guilty - like I've ruined their relationship. And Winston's been texting and calling the first day after Holden and I talked but all that stopped when I didn't answer a single one. I don't even know if he's still in Germany or if he's back or if he and Holden broke up… _

_ "If you don't talk to him soon you're gonna fuck it all up Remy," Leo says knowingly and my heartbeat quickens at the nickname that I haven't heard in so long. I stare at him with wide eyes like he's the answer to all my problems. Ranting to him always seemed to work. I don’t even care about the details of why he’s here. _

_ "But I don't know what to say," I whine. We've said everything we needed to say in Munich. And I promised to give him time so now… what else can I say?  _

_ "You can stop ignoring him for one," Leo says and I raise an eyebrow. Did I say that out loud? I doubt it. "Shouldn't you know better after last time? You can't sort anything out if you don't talk to each other." _

_ I nod but that's not the reason why I'm delaying talking to Winston. I'm lying again. I  _ do  _ know what to say or at least I'd know once the conversation started. It just flows naturally with him. But what if we do talk and it's amazing for the first few weeks and then… it isn't?  _

_ "What if it doesn't work out?" I ask and Leo shrugs.  _

_ "Then it doesn't work out. But at least you know you tried to make it work and you won't regret not trying." Leo looks me in the eye for a couple of like he's trying to make sure that I get it. "And you don't know if it'll work or not until you try. You'll do it right this time. We all know that." _

_ Do we? Or is that what we all want to believe? Me, Winston, Anders, Nick… everyone wants it to work but we don't know if it actually will. It's wishful thinking that's all.  _

_ "What if he doesn't want me anymore?" _

_ Leo scoffs and shakes his head at me disapprovingly. "Dude, it's been a week since he told you he didn't want anyone but you. He's been waiting years for you so I doubt a lot could have changed in these seven days." _

_ I nod slowly as I let his words fade away. Of course. Leo's right and I'm just being paranoid for no reason. But there's no one I want as much as I want Winston and if we fuck it up this time… that’s it. _

_ "I missed talking to you," I blurt out after a minute. I’ve had friends. I‘ve had people to talk to. I haven’t found a replacement for Leo yet though Nick seems to be the closest to it. Told him it wasn’t gonna be easy once he retires.  _

_ Leo gives me this giant grin as he leans back in his chair. "I know." I really missed having him around but it's good that he's back now, he'll make sure I won't fuck up. I’ll make sure he doesn’t drink too much, we’ll talk and we’ll laugh and we’ll hang out like old times. _

_ There's a noise somewhere in the distance. Like a far away whine. High pitched but unclear. I might as well be making it up.  _

_ Leo looks around with a sad smile on his face and then he stands up in front of me. My brow furrows as he smiles wider and looks down at his feet. "Looks like you have to go back now. But it was really great catching up." He grabs my hand and pulls me up to my feet before I can even ask what the fuck he's on about.  _

_ "What- come on, man," I say and he doesn't let go of my hand. Then he pulls me into yet another hug that just feels so… nostalgic. I know what this is supposed to feel like but I can't physically feel it. I just know that he loves me even though I don't know how.  _

_ "I'll miss you," he mumbles into my shoulder as he hugs me even tighter. The whining noise is getting louder.  _

_ "But you only just got back! Where are you going? Why are you leaving?" I ask frantically as he begins to pull away. I can't do this shit without him again. It was already hard enough the last time. I could do with some moral support right now.  _

_ "That's just the way things are," Leo answers with a chuckle as he shrugs. "The way things are meant to be… " He trails off now that the noise is much much louder and the space around us begins to fade away into nothingness.  _

_ "What-" I look around hoping for some kind of explanation but there's nothing that I can be completely sure of. Nothing at all.  _

_ "Oh and Remy?" Leo says. He's standing right in front of me but his voice sounds distant. Like he's being ripped away from me. Something tugs at my heart, a dull but long-lasting pain.  _

_ Leo smiles at me. "I got your letter." _

"Monty! Please can you take care of him? I'm on the phone," Anders opens the door to my room and I stare at him from my bed. I rub my eyes to get the sleep out and then I glare at him. I can hear Leon wailing in the distance as Anders shakes the bottle of milk to mix it. Then he holds it towards me. Just fucking woke up, he can at least wait a couple of seconds. 

But I get out of bed groggily and I snatch the bottle from him. "Is that all?" I ask sleepily when Anders tells me that Leons just hungry and he wants his mom. Tough luck because Leeya is meeting up with some fashion designer who liked her portfolio. Anders may have pulled a few things to make it happen. 

"Yeah and just play with him for a little, I've got some stuff to take care of and they keep putting me on hold. Might take me a while." Anders says and I nod. Yeah, whatever just let me go and get the kid. 

There's a faint memory passing through my head as I enter Leon’s room. He's jumping up and down in his cradle. Even though he's wailing his head off, he quietens down when he sees me. 

"Miss me?" I ask him and there's this familiar feeling in my head. A warm feeling of… nostalgia that I can't quite put my finger on. But whatever it is, it might have just helped me start my day off right. 

***

Even with my morning starting abruptly, I make it almost an hour early to training. LAFC has a match with Portland tomorrow and Justin had a minor injury last game. They’re gonna evaluate whether he can play or not and if he can’t… I’ll have to be there to calm him down.

Still gotta talk with Bradley before the game and find out how Justin’s been doing because he obviously doesn’t tell me everything. He just… tells me that everything is good but I don’t know. He’s been acting different.

I park my car in the usual space. I used to park here when I was on the team too and I remember Holden walking me to my car to avoid the paparazzi. Good times. Now the paps are banned from the parking lot so the closest they can stand is in front of the building though there’s not many of them around now. I think they’ve moved onto doing something more interesting than pissing off soccer players.

Once I'm in the building, I have to walk up the stairs to get to the main floor. I pocket my car keys and then I turn to get to the stairs after passing a cleaner. There's a guy sitting on the stairs. 

He's got his hands clasped together and his head is bowed. I stop in my tracks and the guy looks up. He looks at me and he lets out a short sigh before getting to his feet. 

"Winston-"

"I thought I missed you," he says as he walks down the steps to meet me at the bottom of them. He looks around but there's no one but us. "They said you were gonna be here this morning and I thought-"

"Winston." I don't care who 'they' is right now. I only wanna know what he's doing here. What was so important that he had to track me down to talk? So Winston looks at me with those puppy dog eyes and I sigh. “What are you doing here?”

I ask but I already know the answer. Winston isn’t gonna let me ignore him again. I  _ am _ glad to see him, it's just that… I wasn’t expecting it. 

“You weren’t replying to anything so… I wanted to see you,” he answers and he studies my face for a second. “So whatever I did… Just tell me what I did wrong and I’ll fix it, okay? We can work it out, we just need to talk about it.”

He’s trying so hard to sound casual that it’s adorable. But his eyes give him away, I can see that he’s worried. Scared even. Unsure. And I’m a fucking idiot for not texting him and telling him what really happened.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” I say and then I turn and sit down on the bottom of the stairs. Winston hesitates but then a second later he sits next to me. “And I wasn’t… ignoring you. I just said I was gonna give you time.” Which is partially true. I also needed some time to come to terms with the fact that Holden blames  _ me  _ for everything.

Winston rolls his eyes. “I don’t need time,” he says and he leans forward by resting his elbows on his knees. “I'm tired of this. This  _ waiting. _ You told me to take my time to think about it but I already know what I want.” He glances at me and then looks down at his shoes.

And I know what I want but now, more than ever, I’m unsure about every single thing in my life. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to add Winston to that mix.

“I went to see Holden last night and I broke up with him,” Winston blurts out when I don’t say a thing. Like he wants to prove that he wants this.

“You did?” I figured Holden would be the one to break it off after the talk we had. 

“Yeah… I should have done it sooner,” Winston says sadly. “I’m sorry that it took so long.”

He never should have been with him in the first place. But like he said, Holden helped him out, looked after him just like Holden explained to me. I have to put my jealousy aside. “I understand that it was hard to do, he cared for you,” I say and then Winston looks up. He looks at me like he thinks I know something I shouldn’t. I sigh. “He came to me a couple of days ago, told me that he looked after you when you… weren’t doing so well.”

He blushes and looks down so that his hair falls over his face. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t want to embarrass him.

“But to be honest I wasn’t doing so well either after the way we ended things,” I add. He doesn’t need to know about it. I’ve tried forgetting about all the shit I’ve done but… they’re a part of me and it’s better to remember so I’ll never do anything like it ever again.

But when I look up at Winston, he’s smiling. I don’t think he would be smiling if he knew about some of the things I did. Like breaking my leg on purpose just to get away from this wretched life. 

“Yeah… We’re both idiots,” he states and I laugh lightly even if it’s not really funny. Back then, I thought it would never stop hurting and now I’m laughing about it. Somehow that makes me feel a little better.

After a few seconds of just sitting with him, I suddenly remember what I’m doing here. “Shit, I’ve got a thing,” I try to explain as I get to my feet. I can’t drop everything for Winston even though I wish I could.

“Oh right, you gotta be there for Justin,” Winston says with a small nod as he stands up too.

I stare at him. “How do you know that?

Winston’s lips part like he realises he slipped up. He chuckles. “I, er, I checked with Anders to see where you were. Just to make sure I would see you.”

Anders. Right. The shit he does behind my back... He could have at least warned me. “Right… Anders saves the day once again.” Winston laughs and puts his hands in his pockets. His eyes have that sparkle in them again and for a second I’m sure that I see him glance at my lips. He’s single now. 

Yet I can’t do it. I feel like maybe I should ask first and it’s always the same shit… Always worried about kissing him. Why can’t he make the first move?

“You can wait for me if you like,” I say as I take one step up the stairs. I’d like it if he waited for me but I don’t wanna force him into doing so. “I should be done in about an hour… maybe a little longer?” Will he wait for me that long?

Winston smiles. “I’ll wait. I have nothing planned for the day.” I’d ask him if he cleared his schedule just for me but I think we both know the answer to that.

“Thank you,” I say and I shoot him one last glance before darting up the stairs. A whole day just to ourselves. I can think of a few things we could do. But I have to focus on Justin first. Then he’s all that matters. No distractions.

***

I knew this would happen and now finding Justin is my biggest priority. His face when they told him he couldn’t play tomorrow… I’m seriously fucking worried about him. I don’t want him to hurt himself over something this little. But I know soccer means a lot to him.

I promised Bradley that I'll handle it so I better handle it. I just have to… talk to him and make sure he knows that it's not the end of the world. Unless there's something else bothering him… it would explain why he's been acting weird recently. Weird as in not really engaging in conversations anymore. He tells me he's alright but we don't joke around. He's just kinda… tired. 

He's not in the locker room and not out on the pitch. Not out in the hallway either. I'd text him but I already know he wouldn't reply. He ran away because he wants to get away, not because he wants me to find him. 

I'm this close to giving up after searching every goddamn place I know and asking anyone I see if they've seen Justin when I remember that Anders would have never given up on me. So I keep looking and rightfully so. 

He's in the canteen which is probably the last place I'd expect to find him. He's not hiding from me. Maybe he does want me to find him after all. 

It's pretty empty as the rest of the team should only just be arriving for training and they aren't allowed in the canteen until after. There's a woman with the green staff uniform wiping a table and sorting out the chairs, visibly getting ready for the canteen to open. 

Justin sits at a table in the corner with a coffee cup in his hands but he's not moving a muscle. His eyes are red and puffy and his sleeves are wet like he was just running them under a tap. Probably washing his face as he's obviously been crying. 

"There you are," I say and Justin jumps in his seat. He looks around but he can't go anywhere, I've got my hand on his shoulder and he knows he's not going anywhere. "Wanna tell me what that was about?"

I sit down in the chair close to Justin's and he scoffs. "Don't know what you're talking about." Sometimes he's the most annoying little shit ever but it's my job to stick by him. 

"Let me remind you. Bradley said he's not letting you play tomorrow night and you threw a chair at him and ran out." Justin avoids eye contact and he stills. Yes, it's embarrassing to talk about it but talking solves problems. I'd know. 

"I don't give a shit about that," Justin mutters after a minute or two of silence. He pushes the cup of coffee away and leans back in his seat. "Couldn't give two fucks."

Does he think I don't know what he's doing? I've tried it all before and Anders still got to me somehow. I might not be Anders but I can remember all the shit he's used with me. 

"What  _ do _ you give a shit about? Because I know you and you're not careless." I look straight at Justin even though he's not making any effort to do the same. He's just staring right at the far wall. "Justin, come on man."

His face crumples and I feel like I've done something wrong even though it's the complete opposite. I'm finally getting through to him. 

Though it's not easy. It never is. He puts his head on the table and covers his face with his hands. "What the fuck is wrong with me?" he sobs into his hands. 

"Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you." I pat his back and then soothingly rub his shoulders. I feel him relax and the tension slowly goes away. He's not like me thankfully. Justin just needs a little push until he breaks. 

"I thought she was telling me the truth," he keeps sobbing. The cleaner glances at us and gives me an awkward smile. I don't want anyone to see him like this. 

"Who was telling the truth?" He's not making any sense whatsoever. Did he have a girlfriend that I don't know about? 

"She  _ wasn't!" _ Justin snaps at me and tries to pull away but I put my arm over his shoulders and keep him where he is. 

“Justin, you can tell me what happened. I’m your friend and you know I can help you fix things.” Just like Anders did for me. 

It takes him about two minutes to calm down and once he does, he finally looks me in the eye. “Promise not to tell anyone?” he asks and I nod. He’s just like Charlie. A kid. “It’s about my mother.”

Family issues. I can relate to that more than I’d like to. But we’re not talking about me now so I keep my mouth sealed. I remember that time Justin ran out of an interview because they asked about his family. I never got the specifics.

Justin runs his fingers through his hair making it a little messy. Then he bites his lip and sighs. “She… got in touch with me. And she told me that she was ready to get her shit together. She just needed a little money for rent until she got a stable job.” Justin speaks slowly like he’s trying to put it together in his head as he speaks. He stops as his tongue swipes over his bottom lip. I have an idea of where this is going. Family and money. Sounds familiar.

“So what did you do?” I ask when I notice that he’s zoning out to dreamland.

“I gave her the money of course,” Justin scoffs. “I felt bad but she… she didn’t spend it on rent.” His lip trembles again and he quickly turns away from me so I can’t see his face. I give him a second, don’t force anything on him.

I see him wipe his cheek and then he turns back to me and his nose is a little pink. “She didn’t spend it on rent,” he whispers and that’s when he breaks. I have to pull him into my chest and hold him while he sobs and says things that I don’t understand or can’t make sense of. But I hold him because he needs it.

“And she fucking died,” Justin sobs into my shoulder. My shirt is damp now but I pat his back as he sobs and sobs and sobs… 

“I fucking killed her!” Justin tries pushing me away but I won’t let him. I hold him tight and glare at the woman who's pretending to wipe a table just so she can stare. 

"Justin it's okay." I whisper but it's really hard to talk to him when he's saying that he 'killed her' over and over again between sobs. 

"She used the money to buy drugs and then… " He breathes in sharply like it pains him to think about it. I've got him, it's okay. It'll all be okay. Justin brushes the hair away from his forehead. "I… her funeral was last week. I didn't even go. I didn't want to but… maybe I should have."

"You shouldn't have to do anything," I say but I'm not prepared for this. I don't know what to tell him. I skipped Leo's funeral too. Couldn't handle it so… "I think sometimes funerals aren't good for us. They can be too much to handle so… you can't go back in time and change anything but you can stop beating yourself up over it. I'm sure your mother wouldn't have wanted you to do that."

I'm talking absolute crap. Maybe even making it worse. He needs to see a professional, I'm just his manager. But now is not the time to be bringing it up. No I know he won't take the suggestion of therapy lightly. 

Justin pulls away, he licks his lips and then sighs. "We weren't even close but… she's my mother. Which is why I helped her." He pauses to wipe his cheek with his sleeve. "I haven't really… I always wanted to get away from her but now she's gone and I- I have been able to fall asleep recently. I keep having nightmares. I don't know what to do, the sleeping pills won't-"

"Why didn't you tell me you were taking sleeping pills?" He looks away guiltily when he realises what he's said. He should have told me that he had trouble sleeping. I could have helped. He doesn't look well enough to be playing soccer. He doesn't look well enough to be blamed for anything he's done today. We can talk about that later. 

"Come on, I'm taking you home. You need to sleep." I stand up but Justin stays where he is. "Justin-"

"What about training?" he asks. 

"Fuck training, you need to sleep." I pull him up to his feet by his arm. I understand ambition but… it's gonna do us no good if he goes back to training right now. No, he needs to rest. 

While Justin and I walk down the hallway and wait for the elevator, I quickly text Bradley to tell him that Justin needs a day off and he's okay with not playing tomorrow. So that gives him two days off. And then later on I gotta talk to Anders about a… therapist or something. Anything. 

I'm just pissed at myself for not realizing that something was wrong. I mean I saw when he was acting out but recently he's been acting like his usual self. I would have never guessed. 

Once we're in the elevator heading for the ground floor, I remember that I told Winston to wait for me. I don't know how I'll explain this. Or… I was hoping to spend the day with him but as always things get in the way. 

"Bradley is gonna be pissed that I skipped training," Justin mutters when we step outside. It's not that deserted outside now. There are some kids standing there with their parents, probably hoping to catch the players after training. They came early. 

"He won't be," I say and then I try to stir Justin towards the stairs and away from the fans but he pulls away. 

"It's okay, I want to," he says and then I stay back while he talks to the little boy, signs the little girl's soccer ball and then takes a picture with the parents. It takes him about five minutes just to do that and I suddenly don't miss this. Fans would be lucky if I as much as glanced at them for a split second. 

"We're taking my car," I say when Justin finally decides that enough is enough and walks back towards me. 

We walk towards the parking lot together and I'm freaking out. I silently hoped that Winston was gonna be here but the steps were empty when we passed them. So was the ground floor. Where is he? 

Once we’re walking towards my car, I look around hoping to see Winston's car somewhere but it's a little more crowded now, looking for his car is a chore. I'll just send him a text and explain why I had to leave. 

"You're not gonna tell anyone why I'm skipping training, right?" Justin asks, hesitating to open the door of my car. 

"Not gonna tell anyone," I reassure him. I know better. I want him to trust me and to know that he can come to me with those things. Now I see that a slightly different perspective to this than Anders would have. 

Justin gets into the car and as I'm walking around the car to get to my side, someone shouts my name. They drop the 't'.

Justin is in the car so he just raises an eyebrow when he sees me pause and turn around instead. There's Winston. He stands there with his hands in the pockets of his coat and he stares at me. 

"You're leaving?" he half-states half-asks. I walk towards him instead of the other way around. Winston frowns. “If you didn’t want to spend time with me you should have just said so.”

“What?” I told him to wait for me, I’m not having second thoughts about this. “I’m not- I do want to spend time with you,” I say and Winston doesn’t break eye contact. He still doesn’t look convinced. “But something came up with Justin and I have to make sure he’s okay… I’m taking him home.”

“Oh.” Winston shifts awkwardly on his feet and then he places his hand on his forehead. “I’m sorry, I… I just thought you might have changed your mind about us. But of course, yeah, good luck with Justin. We can hang out another time.” He gives me a small smile that doesn’t hide his disappointment.

“Wait, why don’t you… come with us?” I suggest. It seems like the easy option to please everyone. Justin gets home and I still get to spend time with Winston. Once Justin falls asleep we may still even have time to do something. Just the two of us.

"You sure he won't… mind?" Winston glances behind me towards the car. He probably won't. He'll just have to deal with it because Winston's here to help.

"Nah, it'll be fine," I answer, taking a step back towards the car. "So… " Winston follows after me and I get into the car first.

"Who's that?" Justin whispers moments before Winston opens the door of the car and gets into the back seat. Yeah… who is Winston to me? A guy I'm in love with? My former colleague? My best friend's ex? Because we're not together, that's for sure. 

"A friend," I answer simply. "We can trust him." But Justin doesn't look convinced and neither of them say anything for the entire journey. They don't even acknowledge each other’s presence. 

I keep glancing in the rearview mirror at Winston and he catches me every time. I'm only looking to see if he's okay. I don't really know how today is gonna go. Don't know how anything is gonna go.

When I finally park outside Justin's house, I look to my right and see that he's asleep. Well, that was quick. He was more exhausted than I thought. 

"Do we… carry him inside?" I ask as quietly as I can as neither Winston nor I make any attempt to get out of the car. "I don't wanna wake him up." 

"Alright, let's carry him inside," Winston says and then he stops when he reaches to open the door of my car. "Wait, do you have his keys?" No, I don’t. So we end up waking Justin up anyway. He doesn't actually seem bothered. 

“I’ll be _ fine _ guys,” Justin protests when we follow him inside like lapdogs. But I need to know he’ll be okay. Even though it’s not the same, I think about Leo. If only I stayed he would have been alright. But I didn’t stay. I’m not gonna make the same mistake again.

“We’ll stay just to make sure,” I decide and Justin rolls his eyes.

“Okay dad.” He takes off his hoodie, throws it at me and then walks past in his shirt and jeans. He didn’t even get changed for training. And at least he’s in a better mood now than he was before. Maybe he’s pretending.

Winston looks at me awkwardly as I throw the shirt on the armchair. I’ll just stay for a little while until I know Justin’s asleep. Just to make sure.

“Oh and don’t touch my Coco Pops!” Justin shouts from upstairs and Winston laughs.

“Coco Pops?” he mutters and then he sits down on the armrest of the couch. More like leans rather than sits down. He’s not planning on staying for long. Getting impatient. Justin probably ruined the plans he had for us. 

“He’s like a kid,” I tell him and then I sit down on the other end of the couch. Small talk. It’s not going great.

Winston takes off his scarf, makes his hair even messier than it was before and then he wraps the dark grey material around his hand. He blows air out from between his lips and I tap my foot. We sit in silence for a couple of minutes until I get so nervous that I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. Since when do I excuse myself?

I splash some cold water on my face, stare at my reflection in the mirror. All I can hear is my pulse drumming in my head. This is it. We’re so fucking close to making it work. Just as long as nothing goes wrong this time. We’ll make it work. I know we will.

It’s just that I don’t know how this will go. I only relax when he makes the first move, signalling that it’s okay for me to be myself around him. Otherwise I’m walking on eggshells around him because I don’t wanna be too forward or get the wrong idea.

But then again, he came all the way to LA just to see me.

I check in on Justin while I’m upstairs. He’s sleeping like a baby. Slobbering all over his pillow and snoring. He’s even worse than Leon. So I’ll let him sleep because God knows that boy needs it more than anyone. I close the door to his bedroom and tiptoe downstairs.

I’ll just tell Winston that we can leave. We’ll see how it goes from there.

He’s still messing around with his scarf although he looks up when I enter the room. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, just checking in on Justin... “ I say. So  _ so _ awkward and I’m not helping. Winston is still looking at me. Wants to get out of here. “He’s asleep. So… For fuck’s sake, can I kiss you already or are you gonna make me wait even longer?”

Was that forward enough?

Winston grins at me and it doesn’t even take him a second to walk right over to me. His hands are cradling my face and we’re both grinning. “Took you long enough to ask.” He closes the gap between us and it’s like his lips melt into mine. It feels so right, him and me, our lips glued together, kissing one another desperately like there’s no tomorrow.

It’s just him and him and him and everything feels so right once again. Nothing but him.

I pull at his hair and I try to steady myself on my feet but he pushes me up against the wall and he doesn’t care about anything. Doesn’t care that we make a loud thud when my back hits the wall. Doesn’t care that there’s no air for us to breathe so we’re panting in each other’s mouth as we kiss. Doesn’t care that my grip on his hair is so tight that my knuckles turn white.

I’m all he cares about.

“Ow, wait, w-wait, Winston, wait,” I pant when I pull away for air and Winston dives in once again without a second thought. I place my hands on his chest to keep him at arm’s length. He’s gonna be the death of me.

“Sorry,” he apologises while I’m still trying to catch my breath. “You just have no idea how long I’ve waited to do that.”

“I think I do.” And I smile to myself knowing that the waiting wasn’t just killing  _ me _ , he wants it too. But I need to preoccupy my mind with something else before I get hard. Not gonna do it here at Justin’s place.

Winston leans in again and I panic but he also places a small light kiss on my lips before he pulls away. He towers over me, places his hand on the wall next to my head and smiles. “So we can either do  _ that _ … or we can do something else,” he whispers as he leans in even closer. I think we both know he’s keen on option one.

“What’s ‘something else’?” I ask and Winston rolls his eyes. Definitely keen on option number one. Though he hasn’t had sex since we ended things so I don’t blame him. I’m just teasing him, running my fingertips across his arm wondering if he has goosebumps like I do.

“Come back to my place?” he whispers with his lips millimetres away from mine. This time I kiss him, tugging at his bottom lip until he moans softly.

“Chicago’s hours _ hours  _ away,” I say, putting my hands on either side of his face now as he rests his forehead against mine. I don’t wanna go back to my place either. That’s Anders’ house and I don’t wanna… I want it to be just us.

“I know, I know,” Winston says softly and he places a light kiss on my lips. “But I’m not talking about Chicago.” 

“Huh?”

“I have a new place,” Winston explains. When did this happen? Just a week ago he was living with Holden. And he sees me look unsure. “It’s not far from here. Please? Come with me?” He gently runs his fingers through my hair and I hate him for knowing what gets to me. 

I hate him for knowing that I won’t say no. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, planning on posting the next chapter next week :)


	10. Same Bed, Same House

**Chapter Ten**

We drove for about two hours and Winston kept me awake by telling me more about his trip to Germany. He probably meant it as a distraction but I couldn’t stop thinking about his lips. He can’t look like that and expect me not to think about fucking him for every second that we spent in that car. 

It’s almost noon by the time we get to Winston’s place. Let me tell you… I see why he wanted to come here. I saw the signs outside: Carpinteria. Though I’ve never heard of this place, I’m already in love.

My heart hasn’t stopped racing since we passed the beach and it only got worse when he stopped outside this house. I thought we were just passing through this town but then we drove up a little hill and there it was. This small wooden beach house with a terrace and some wooden steps and lounge chairs out front. 

I don't wanna know if he rented it or bought it because that requires thinking about what it means for us. It's nowhere near as big as Joe's house, no fancy gate to go through and it’s nothing like Anders' house either with its big glass windows. Definitely better than that shitty house Winston had back in Chicago. 

He parked my car right next to the house and when I look in the opposite direction, I notice the wooden steps stretching out for what seems like miles towards the empty beach.

"You coming?" Winston asks and I look back at him. He's no longer wearing his coat. It's gotten warmer. Sunnier. Better. He throws it over his shoulder and then I follow him to the front door of the house. 

He pulls a key out of his pocket. Definitely new. It fits in the lock perfectly and Winston grins at me. I wonder if this is his version of the perfect life we made up - the house at the beach. Because Vegas sure didn't seem to work for me. It wasn’t a shit hole but it… I made it into the loneliest place on earth. It was never gonna work.

But this place is secluded. Pretty much. We'll have to drive half an hour to get to the town that we passed through. The shops and the restaurants and the people...

I'm a little too busy ogling the inside of the house to even notice that Winston is staring at me like he wants me to speak. He brought me to the living room. There's no TV. What can I say?

"So you like it?" Winston asks uncertainly and I raise an eyebrow. Like it? I'm already in love with it. It’s not a giant mansion but a place for two people to move in. Make the place theirs. It's exactly what I would have thought he'd like. 

"How long have you had this place?" I ask, walking over to the couch. So the furniture is in place, two couches, a few tables and cabinets... but it's still kinda empty here. Nothing personal laying around. Definitely rented. Of course he thinks ahead.

I glance at Winston and he's still fidgeting with the key in his hand. He looks up at me and then glances to the side. "I bought it. For us." He pauses, I pause. Not rented then. Winston sighs. "Remember that day you came to see me at work? We were gonna spend the day together and go back to my-  _ this _ place but instead you… anyway. I was gonna ask you to move in with me. At least temporarily just so you could… see it was serious for me."

I gulp. He was there to tell me that he wanted us to move in together while I… I told him that I was gonna be a father. I practically spat in his face. But he never even told me how he felt about me. 

"I came here as soon as I got back from Germany," Winston says as he slowly walks towards me and sits down on the couch too. "I was worried that you changed your mind when you stopped answering my texts and then I realised that- I love you. And all I wanted to do was to be here with you so I went to see Holden, I broke up with him and I came to you." Winston shrugs like its that's simple. I stopped listening after he uttered a certain word. 

"Say it again." 

Winston raises an eyebrow. "What?"

"You know what." I've waited so fucking long to hear him say it - I didn’t think he ever would if I’m being honest. But I’ve dreamt about this and this is better than anything I could have ever made up in my head. My heart is racing again and I need to hear him say it to make sure I didn't make it up. 

Winston understands. He leans forward and brings his hand to the back of my neck. "I said I love you," he whispers while his lips brush against mine. His voice is so soft, so quiet, so perfect it's almost like I'm dreaming again. 

"Say it again." I close my eyes fully and hear Winston laugh quietly. 

"I'm in love with you, Monty," he says with a hint of laughter in his voice. "How many times do I need to say it for you to believe me?" 

"I do believe you, I just love how it sounds coming from you." And I love his lips. The lips that I press mine against and kiss him. He lets me and mumbles it again. 

I could hear it a million times and still, I won't be used to it. 

He pulls away then, only for a second and he creates some space between us. I can’t have that - I need him to be within my reach. He’s been out of it for way too long.

He sits on one end of the couch, I on the other. Yet I just want him to be touching me again. Kissing me. Doing all the things we should have been doing instead of trying to get over each other. Let’s face it, we were never gonna be able to do that. You can’t forget someone like him. 

“I… I’m not really sure how this is supposed to work,” Winston admits after a slight pause. He takes the key out again and turns it in between his fingers almost like he’s trying to make sure it’s real. This. Us. It’s real alright.

“We don’t have to have anything figured out right now.” I just want him here again, laying on my chest so I can hold him and tell him how much I missed him because God… he doesn’t know. He  _ really _ doesn’t know. 

“I know. I know…” Winston trails off but he still looks confused. We only just got here, we don’t need to have plans made for the next ten years. 

“We’ll figure it out as we go along,” I assure him when he goes silent again. We really don’t need to know what happens next. Or even what happens tomorrow. Or in the next hour. “Let’s just focus on what’s happening right now.”

I try to lean forward but Winston shakes his head dismissively. I sit back in my place.

“I bought this place for us but it was a long time ago. And I don’t think we were ready then but… I’d like to think we are now.” Winston pushes some hair away from his eyes, stares at me nervously like he’s worried he’ll say the wrong thing. I’d still love him if he did. 

“I told you we can take things slow, if you don’t want to live with me-”

“I  _ do _ ,” Winston cuts in and he doesn’t stay on his end of the couch anymore. He crawls in between my parted knees and lays his head on my chest. I knew we’d be good. 

My fingers get tangled in his hair as always, twirling curls around my finger, lightly pulling at his hair as I run my fingers through it. Winston sighs. “And I know we won’t be perfect. I know sooner or later something will happen but- We’ll have each other, right? If something happens you won’t… leave this time?” His voice breaks. He swallows.

He left me, I left him. We left each other and then we didn’t. We won’t anymore. I can’t even stand to think of how much I hurt him when I left. I didn’t think I did. He was angry and he never said it back. Thought it hurt me more than it did him. Who knows.

Maybe we won’t be perfect together. But we won’t be a mess either. Not again.

“I’m not gonna leave. I promise.” He looks up at me, making sure that I mean it. I see the glassy eyes and I know I’m gonna keep that promise. Never leaving again.

“Good,” he whispers and then repeats it a little louder. “Good.” His eyes dart to my lips as he sits up. He’s asking permission. All those months… yes I want to. I want him. 

"Do you… do you want to...?" I ask and Winston blushes but he doesn’t hesitate to nod.

"Yes," he whispers. My legs are parted, feet flat against the couch and Winston makes himself comfortable between my knees, placing his hands on my chest while he kisses me slowly. 

I wanna ask him if… we can do it like we did last time but-

Maybe later. 

I let him be in control, I know he likes it. I like it. I like it when he knows what he wants. 

Winston’s lips don't leave mine as his hands slide under my shirt. He can feel my heart thudding, how warm my skin is, how I can barely breathe because a simple touch is enough to make me go crazy. 

He pulls away for a second, smiles at me and takes my shirt off. "You're so gorgeous." If I could blush, I would but instead, my heart flutters and I look away. 

I've never had anyone… compliment me like that. I've had girls call me hot and perfect and other things like that. But I never paid attention to it. I knew they didn't mean it because they didn't know me. 

He knows me and he thinks I'm 'gorgeous'. 

Then Winston is lifting my chin, forcing me to look back at him and he places a quick kiss on my lips. Slowly, he begins his journey downwards as he marks my neck, my collarbones and then my chest. 

When he's got his lips grazing against my nipple, he looks up and I brush some hair away from his face so I can see him properly. He smiles at me and then I tilt my head back and look up at the ceiling.

As he moves down, kisses my ribcage, above my navel and then below… I focus on the fact that it’s him. It’s not Alex or some random guy in LA that kind of reminds me of Winston. There were nights when all I had to do was get drunk enough and then… it was easier to pretend it was him. Some nights it worked.

Winston palms me through my jeans, reminding me where I am. Not in some shitty club in LA. He stops. I look down and now Winston's chewing at his lip looking slightly confused. "You- are you not into it-"

"I am," I say quickly. Just fucking ruining it for myself by thinking about all the things that don't matter. Winston doesn't look convinced, he takes his hand away and places it on the couch. 

"Talk to me," he says like he's not taking no for an answer. He lays down on my chest again, his hand gently caressing my chest. I sigh. "You seem distracted." You’d think he’d just shut up and focus on where this is going after spending so long in celibacy or whatever he was doing but I guess not.

"Just thinking." I wish I could stop and just enjoy it but last time that happened… it all came crashing down. I don't even realise that I'm playing with his hair again, fingertips lightly brushing against his scalp, moving in a circular motion. 

He lets me hold him like that for a couple of minutes without saying a word. It's nice, better than sitting in silence by myself. Wondering where I went wrong. 

"Still thinking?" Winston asks after yet another minute passes. 

"Do you think we'd be good together?" I ask him out of nowhere. it's the first thing that popped into my mind. My mouth just went along with it. "Like actually… be together and not end up… fucking it up?"

Slowly, Winston sits up and moves away from me. His brow is furrowed. "Yes?" he answers uncertainly still looking a little worried. "Don't you?"

"I do, it's just that you said that… we won't be perfect so-"

Winston chuckles shortly, shaking his head. "You really think you won't piss me off the first chance you get?" He raises an eyebrow at me. "Of course it won't be perfect, nothing is but… I know what I'm signing up for. I know that… we'll probably argue and you'll piss me off-"

"And you'll piss me off," I add with a grin at which Winston scoffs. But maybe that’s better than being perfect. I don't want the perfect life, it never worked for me. 

_ "I'll _ piss  _ you _ off?" he repeats after me, looking like he doesn't agree. Winston hovers above me, one hand placed on my knee and one next to my head on the armrest. He raises one eyebrow.

"Don't act innocent, you've pissed me off more than once in the past." He looks like he's about to argue with me but I bring my hand to the back of his head and pull him in. He doesn't hesitate to kiss me. 

He doesn't waste any more time, places his hands on my arms and slowly slides them down until they're at the top of my jeans. It only takes a few seconds for him to unzip my pants and tug them off. He stops kissing me but he doesn't pull away, just pants into my mouth like this is all too overwhelming for him. 

"I wanted you since the day I saw you at Joe's party," he says breathlessly and then pulls at my hair to get clear access to my neck. 

I laugh. I knew I got under his skin. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Winston kisses my neck, his breath washes over my skin and sends a shiver through my body. He marks me up, bites, licks and sucks so hard he's gonna leave me purple all over. 

I’m about to make some stupid joke about him waiting until marriage when he grabs my ankles and pulls me down the couch so that I'm flat on my back. Somehow my hand ends up at the back of his head again, carding my fingers through the mess of hair. 

He attacks my lips again but then the kiss is over before I get the chance to kiss him back. My jeans are on the floor, Winston looks up and grins. "You want me so bad."

I could say the same for him but I won't because it's true, I do want him. Badly. It doesn’t help that he straddles me and grinds against me, his jeans rubbing against my underwear as he leans down again and stops just seconds before my lips touch his. He smiles, studies my face and then he bites his lip nervously. “You do want me, right?”

I grin at him. “You’re _ all _ I want.”

He smiles back, pushes my hair back and gently kisses my forehead. I don’t know what to say or do but my eyes flutter and my heart… weirdly it begins to pound in my chest. Forehead kisses… strange.

I panic when he takes off my boxers, him on top of me - completely in control. It reminds me of that hotel room when he… Does he wanna do that again? I don’t hate the idea. My hands slide under his shirt, run down his spine, his back and then I take it off him. He has to help out and then when it’s off he shakes his head to sort out his hair which only makes it messier.

Winston sits in my lap, moving slowly but so right. Everything feels good when it’s with him. “Is this okay?” I nod, he leans in. When he kisses me, it’s different this time - more intimate. He’s not rushing anymore but taking his time instead. He sucks on my bottom lip knowing exactly the kind of reaction that’ll get out of me. My hips buckle and he laughs shakily.

“I missed this,” he mumbles without taking his lips off mine. His hand reaches in between our bodies where he finds my cock. He lightly brushes his hand against it and I groan. “I missed all of it.”

And then he’s pulling away, resting on his elbows as he kisses the spot above my navel. I want to tell him that I missed him too but I can’t find the words. It’s too much, all of it. Seeing him do the things I’ve dreamt about a hundred times.

Don’t think.

He curls his fingers around the base and I smile to myself knowing that Holden never got this. I was always the one he wanted, he couldn’t replace me. Only I get to have him like this. 

“I missed you,” I whisper when he finally lowers his head to lick around the head of my cock. The tip of his tongue just brushes against the hot skin. “So so so so…” My voice fades away as he slowly swallows me down, pulls back, sinks down again. “Much.”

He makes a soft hum sound like he’s satisfied to know. Or maybe he just likes the feeling of my dick in his mouth. He pulls back again, a strand of saliva stretches out from between his lips and the tip of my cock. He quickly wipes it away with the back of his hand.

“Lube,” he says suddenly and stands up like a man on a mission. He gets off the couch, takes about three steps forward and then comes back and kisses me so hard that he knocks all the common sense out of me.

“Don’t move, I’ll be back,” he says and I watch him walk away from me, hear his footsteps patter across the wooden floor and then he stops in the hallway.

A couple of minutes later he comes back with lube and condoms and I shouldn't be surprised that he's prepared. The last time we saw each other, we were this close to crossing the line. He knew it couldn't last long. 

"Hey," he says with a grin as he returns to straddle me on the couch. As he leans forward, I take the lube out of his hand and place the condom onto the table. He watches me carefully. I don't really know what I'm doing. 

"Can I?" I ask and he pauses. I pop the lube open and then Winston finally nods shakily. I've never… done that time him. To Alex? Sure. Whatever. Not to him. It’s different with him.

So Winston lays down so that his chest is pressed to mine. He leaves a kiss on my neck, whispers something that I can't hear over the sound of my heart drumming. He raises one of his legs at an angle and slowly, I dip my fingers in the cold lube.

"I love you so much," he whispers into my ear as I lift his leg a little higher and try to find my way to his hole. My heart skips a beat and I lick my dry lips. 

"I love you too," I manage to say it but it still sounds foreign to my ears. I love you too. He loves me. I said it back. 

With my other arm firmly wrapped around his waist to hold him, I push the tip of my middle finger inside. He exhales shortly, I pull it back out. 

"What are you doing? Are you trying to torture me?" Winston whispers, letting out a short chuckle. 

I circle my finger around the rim. "We have time." 

I feel him smile against my neck. "Right. You're right… right." And so I push the tip of my finger in again just halfway before pulling back out again. More lube. More lube everywhere. Winston laughs when a small drop of it lands on his thigh. 

Then I'm pushing in again and he's not laughing. He bites his lip hard and once the finger is fully in, I pull out only to push back in again. 

"That's it," Winston whispers as I kept going, moving my finger, trying to stretch him out as best as I can. 

"Tell me if I do anything wrong, okay?" Winston nods and I pull out to get more lube. By the time I have two fingers comfortably sliding in and out of him, he’s a mess. Panting into my ear while his legs shake.

I slow down for a second to take it in. I get to see him vulnerable like this, lips red from all the biting, his hair all over the place and his brows furrowed with a look of pleasure flashing across his face. 

"You can add a third," Winston prompts me. So I add more lube again and Winston sighs. "I'm not a virgin you know." I stumble over my words, try to tell him that I just thought- he hasn't in a long time so- "I know," Winston interrupts me. "It's really sweet."

I roll my eyes and try to push three fingers into him. My cock lies heavy on my stomach, leaking at the tip and then suddenly Winston's hand is around it as I'm stretching him out. 

Then he nudges my nose with him and as soon as our lips connect, I relax. It's nice, knowing that Holden never got this. Never got to be intimate with him, see this part of him. 

I know he's ready when he loses his ability to kiss me back. He pants into my mouth in sort breaths, loosens his grip around my cock and I know he's ready but I try to push in a fourth finger anyway. 

That's when his eyes widen and he lets out a moan. His eyes close, he rests his forehead against mine and all I can focus on is the way he feels against me. How his body melts into mine, almost like it's a perfect match. 

"How bad do you want it?" And Winston looks at me like he's only just realised that I have him right where I want him. He's not even a little in control. Not like the first time when we slept together. 

"Please?" is all he can say and that's good enough for me. However, as soon as I pull my fingers out of him and try to get on top of him, he holds me down, hands on my chest as he hovers in my lap. Winston looks down and grins. 

"You're so… perfect," I mumble and for the first time, he loses all that cocky attitude he has. He blushes, looks down momentarily and I see him smile to himself. He knows I mean it.

When he looks up, he breaths out and runs his hands down my chest. "Can you pass me the condom?" 

I reach over to grab it, it almost slips out of my hand and Winston raises an eyebrow - I tell him to shut up and then I rip it open. That's when he takes it from me, gently strokes my thighs with his hand and then he holds the condom above my cock before rolling it down. 

Then he's got the lube, spreading a generous amount all over my erection and his hands are just… everywhere. 

I throw my head back and the next thing I know, he's grabbing onto both my shoulders and positioning himself above me. "Is this okay?" he asks and all I do is nod. More than okay. Very okay. 

When he lowers himself… it's a new kind of feeling. Nothing like when I pushed into him. No, he's in control now and I don't mind. Only when I'm fully inside him do I dare to breathe. 

"Fuck... " I grab onto his hips as tight as I can. Anything to get some kind of control of the situation. His grip on my shoulders tightens, digging his blunt nails as he breaths heavily on top of me. 

Then he moves, his hips begin to move in a slow steady rhythm and after a couple of seconds, I push up to meet him. He lets a groan slip out and then bites his bottom lip to stop himself.

I try to control the speed in any way I can because it's too much. I'm inside him, he's ruining me from the inside and my head feels like it’s going to burst. I need him to get faster and yet he rides me slowly like he's the expert. Every time he sinks down on my cock, I push up into him.

"So fucking good," he gasps before rolling his hips again. We keep it up until we find the right speed, right angle, right everything.

His chest shines with sweat and he gasps in short, shaky breaths every time I hit the right spot. He whimpers, drags his hands down my chest leaving a trail of red marks with his nails. 

Every time Winston lowers himself it's like I'm feeling him all over again, realising that he's right here with me and he's here to stay. He's not going anywhere. 

So I say, "Slow down." And he does, doesn't ask why, just slows down. Then he leans down to capture my lips and it's more and more and more of him that I get to have. I'm starting to see that now. 

One hand stays on his hips, the other touches his cheek and I can feel him smiling when he kisses me. For a second I forget that he's riding me and when he sinks down deeper once again, I let out a soft groan against his lips. He seems pleased. 

Winston straightens up and I chase after his lips. Just need to feel him but he won't let me. Instead he places his hands steadily on my chest and he picks up the pace again. 

"Is this good?" My chest rises rapidly with every breath I take and I do my best to nod. He has no idea. 

His cock is between us twitching, bouncing occasionally and I wrap my hand around it. Winston looks down between us, sees my hand slowly starting to jerk him off and he just looks me in the eye and whimpers. 

Something fills my stomach, this feeling of just- He knows he's making me lose it. He knows exactly what he's doing. 

And I keep going, loving the sounds he makes as he gets too much of both. At the same time I know it's not enough. I have an idea of what it must feel like for him. 

My thighs flex every time he moves faster and harder and deeper and my brain is mush, I can't think about anything. But him. My nails dig into his hips, searching for that feeling of getting a grip back into reality but Winston has other ideas. He takes my hand, takes my other hand and pins them on either side of my head. He pushes my wrists into the soft fabric of the armrest but I can't do anything. I squeeze my fists and hope for the best. 

The movements are erratic, he's barely able to get a moment to breathe and it's like my hips are pushing into him by themselves. I don't think I have control over myself anymore. It all happens by itself. 

And then it hits us, Winston first when his cock twitches and he spills between us with the deepest groan coming from his lips. Most of it makes a mess on my chest, some falls on his lower stomach. Heat floods my lower stomach and I come inside him, into the condom but… inside him. He made me come just when I thought I was done with him. I was sure we were never going to sleep together again. If you asked me two months ago, maybe even a month ago, I would have been certain that it'd never come to this. 

But it has. 

Finally Winston loosens his grip around my wrist and once he opens his eyes, we're looking right at each other. It takes us a couple of seconds and then he breaks into a grin. Before I know it, I'm smiling too, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him into my chest. 

I feel myself slip out of him, feel his cock soften and I know we can't stay like this for long. But it's… somehow the hug feels more intimate than me fucking him. It's better. Much better. Like something only the two of us can share because God knows Holden could never make him feel like this. Make him laugh like I can. 

Winston kisses my arm, then my shoulder and finally my cheek and he's still laughing under his breath like he can't believe this really happened. He looks at me and he says, "That was... "

"I know.”

When he hugs me tighter, his hand strokes my back like he's trying to make sure that I'm still there. I won't leave again. I'm not going anywhere. I think he's starting to get it.

"I gotta shower," he finally whispers like he really doesn't want to but he knows he has to. I still hold onto him for a little longer than I probably should until he manages to slip away. 

"You should too," he adds as he gestures to me and then picks his clothes up on his way out of the room. "In the other bathroom!" he shouts from the stairs like he has a point to make.

I have a point to make too. 

***

I don't know what heaven's like or if that place even exists but this right now? Heaven is nothing compared to this. I get to wake up next to him. 

Holden never knew how lucky he was. 

For the first time in months, maybe even years, I'm awake this early because I want to be. Not because I have things to do or because I can't sleep. I'm awake because I want to be. It feels weird. Weirdly nice. 

"What are you grinning about?" Winston asks sleepily when he opens his eyes and sees me staring right at him. He presses his face into the pillow, rubs his nose against it like he's trying to shake the sleep off. 

"I think you know what." he looks so beautiful like this. He always does but this… he's the most beautiful man I've ever seen. And it's on the tip of my tongue to tell him but I don't think I'm quite there yet. Maybe one day. Maybe tomorrow. 

"Yeah?" Winston asks with a hint of laughter in his voice. He's enjoying this. Waking up together in tangled sheets, feeling the warmth of one another. I never fully got to experience this. There was always something on my mind. Soccer. Prison. Leeya. 

Now it's just him. 

"'Morning," I whisper, carding a hand through my messy hair in an attempt to make myself look decent. Winston immediately flattens my hair down as soon as I spike it up. No gel needed, it just stands up on its own. 

"Good morning," he says and then we just lay there. Grinning at each other with our heads resting on the same pillow. Same bed. Same house. 

"You know what I realised while you were sleeping?" I ask and Winston quirks an eyebrow looking intrigued. Had plenty of time to think because I didn't want to wake him up. He looked so good. "That I'm in love with you and I don't even know the simplest things about you. Like your favourite colour?"

I fell in love with the person he is. How he treats me. How he treats others and how… how he's just everything I wish I could be. He walks into a room and has everyone mesmerized without having to say a word. 

And I know the stories about his childhood. The meaningless ones. When I was mourning Leo, laying in his bed, not knowing what time of day it was and he'd lay with me and he'd tell me stories about his childhood. The times he skipped school to go to art galleries or how he cheated on every single math test he had because the math teacher’s son had a crush on him.

I remember laughing then, shaking my head and calling him an idiot. He looked at me and smiled.

We'd mostly talk about me because that's all I wanted to do. Wanted someone to listen and see me and still be able to look at me without pity in their eyes. Like he's looking at me right now. Like there's no one he'd rather be spending his morning with. 

"My favourite colour's green," he whispers with a grin on his face and it's the same grin he has when he's up to something. "But I don't know your favourite colour either." 

I hesitate. Wonder what I should say because I don't really have a favourite colour. Used to like red before but then I fell out with Estela. Used to like blue but that was Leeya's favourite colour. Still is. 

"Yellow," I answer when an image of an old T-shirt pops into my head. A beach. Two guys laying on the sand. Smoking. The T-shirt is a witness. 

Winston smiles at me happily like now that we've got that out of the way, everything's sorted. 

But Estela… 

I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about back home. My parents, my old friends, my old life. Stayed up replaying memories in my head wondering which one of them was the one. The one that started this whole mess because everything seemed fine. 

Sure, dad and I got into fights. A lot. There was shouting, arms swinging, glass shattering. And there was crying. And then there was more crying and then finally silence because the no-good son finally went to prison where he belonged. A fucking druggie. 

"What's wrong?" Winston traces my cheek with his finger and he's frowning. Lines form on his forehead and he's worried. I zoned out again. 

"I don't wanna ruin our morning," I tell him and I take his hand and intertwine our fingers hoping he'll let it go. They fit together so perfectly. 

"We'll have plenty of other mornings," Winston says simply. I thought this one was special, the one after we finally made up and… But Winston doesn't think so. Maybe now all our mornings will look like this. I could get used to it. Really. 

"I was just thinking… I might need a couple of days off. Just to deal with some shit. It's nothing." I try to wave it away dismissively but Winston's brow furrows. 

"Like?"

He was always persistent. "Like… Stuff with my family. I don't know. I just think it's time to… finally face my past in a way. I know it sounds stupid but-"

"It doesn't," Winston assures me. "We can go tomorrow morning if you like even. Or next week. Or next month. Whenever you're ready."

"We?" 

I reach forward to brush some hair away from his face. Dark curls were touching his cheek, almost getting in his eyes. My fingertips make contact with his smooth skin. 

"Yes,  _ we," _ Winston confirms with a grin. His eyes won't leave mine. There used to be a time where we used to be too scared to look one another in the eye. Me specifically but now, I can’t look away. 

“Listen,” Winston says when I lean in closer. I don’t like the tone of his voice, like something’s wrong. “Last night, I know I talked about moving in but… You don’t have to. It was just a suggestion. Like, if you’re not ready-”

“I can’t live with Anders forever,” I interrupt him. But I’ve already made up my mind, I never wanna sleep in another bed other than this one. “And I don’t have my own place so… I think we could work it out. Living together.” 

It still sounds weird, saying it out loud. I’ll get used to it, this is the best option for us. I won’t annoy Anders anymore and I’ve been putting off looking for a new place for as long as I can remember, Nick was bugging me to check out apartments with him and I- I was actually thinking about moving in with Nick. As friends obviously, his place just isn’t… he deserves better. 

“Yeah? What about your place in Nevada?” Winston asks innocently. So he doesn’t know everything about me. Anders must have left some things out.

“Sold it,” I say with a shrug. Shouldn’t have bought it in the first place. 

“Oh.” He nods slowly and then breaks into a smile. “Okay… I guess that means we live together now.” He sits up, reaches over to the nightstand on his side of the bed and I watch him open the first drawer. This house is just like a hotel room, everything is empty but soon we’ll make it ours. 

He turns to me again with a key in the palm of his hand. It’s identical to the one I’ve seen him open the door with last night except this one has a keyring. A silver  _ M _ or if you turn it around… 

“So you knew I’d say yes?” I ask, taking the key from his hand and tracing over the letter keychain with my finger. I know Anders will say that we’re rushing straight into this and nothing good will come out of it but I don’t care. He can’t know how this will end. No one does.

“I hoped you would,” Winston answers as he lays his head on the pillow again. He won’t stop grinning and his lips… I’m obsessed with them. 

I lean in and put my hands on the back of his head to hold him close. He raises an eyebrow at me looking amused. He can’t expect me not to kiss him when he looks like this, messed up hair, sparkly eyes and bright pink lips. I have to.

But as soon as my lips make contact with his, my hands are tugging at his hair, grabbing his thighs and Winston pulls away laughing. “Hey, slow down,” he says and he kisses the corner of my mouth. “I… can’t after last night.” And he continues kissing me, bruising my lips and tangling his fingers into my hair. 

I brush my knee against his crotch just to see that he's already getting hard. Winston laughs nervously and pulls away. "Trust me, I want to but I can't." he tries to explain to me. Maybe it's because we didn't stop after the first time. He got up to shower but I didn't like being away from him so I joined him. Then I fucked him in the shower, we couldn't keep our hands off each other after so long apart. 

We tried to… control ourselves but then two hours later I was fucking him on the bedroom floor. 

I'm about to remind him that he's not the only one who likes to get fucked but my heart is beating too fast and even though I've thought about it, saying it out loud is a little different. What if he's not into that anymore? 

"We should get out of bed." Winston sits up with a sigh and runs his hand down his face. "If we're gonna deal with the stuff with your family tomorrow-"

"Can't we just lay in bed?" I ask and Winston raises an eyebrow. I've had enough of the busy days, the planned chaos and having to follow an invisible schedule. "I just wanna have one day, just me and you with no one bothering us." In case we don't get a chance for it anytime soon. 

Winston smiles while shaking his head, he slowly lays down again. "Alright… but just laying here and nothing else?" He squirms on the bed, pulls the covers up to his chin and turns on his side so he can face me. 

"I mean, we can talk," I say with a shrug. There's still a shit ton of things we haven't figured out yet which is completely okay, we'll have time for it but it's a good start. 

"Sure. What about?" We can't really just lay there next to each other without touching in some way. Even though we only just made up, it’s strange to not feel his skin on mine. Slowly, he moves his hand up and down my arm while I play with his hair. We inch towards each other and I try to think of a good way to start our conversation.

Winston smiles at me, gives me one of his signature smiles that makes me forget everything I'm thinking about... I've never let anyone have that effect on me. anyone but him. And he keeps smiling at me and me only. 

"What did… Joe say to you when we came to his house?" I ask and Winston looks surprised, that wasn't what he was expecting me to start with. "He took you into the kitchen and… "

"Does it matter?" 

It does now if he's trying to be secretive about it. I raise an eyebrow at him and he sighs. 

"It was nothing," Winston says and he tries to kiss me but I move my head. 

"Winston." I'm not gonna do this if he can't even answer a simple question. 

So he shifts away from me, purses his lips and exhales deeply. "He… asked me if I was in love with you." Oh. That wasn't what I was expecting and I must either look shocked or scared because Winston quickly moves back closer to me and puts his hand on my arm. 

I move away. “What did you say?” He… Did he love me then? He could have told me and he didn’t. He didn’t. And it doesn’t look like he wants to answer now. “Did you say yes?”

Winston looks away, guiltily biting his lip. “Of course I said yes,” he says like I should know. I’m not a fucking mind reader. He knew then and he didn’t tell me until now. It’s worse than lying about it.

“And-and you’re only telling me now?” I scoff and try to sit up but Winston sits up with me and grabs my hand. 

“Don’t be angry, please?” He looks at me with pleading eyes, his thumb caresses my knuckles and I swallow hard. My eyes focus on his hand holding mine. I’ve never held his hand. 

“How can I- When did you know?” I ask, pulling my hand away. He knows he’s got way too much influence over me. I can’t have him touch me like this or I won’t be able to think. Why would I be angry at him? If he only realised he loved me that night at Joe’s house… that’s okay. Yeah. Really, maybe he was just too scared to tell me because it was new to him. I can deal with that.

“I don’t know,” Winston answers quietly and he’s not looking me in the eye anymore. 

All this time… he could have loved me and he never told me. He doesn’t know? As if. Even I knew and I was a fucking idiot back then. He’s not an idiot. 

“Well come find me when you figure it out.” I get out of bed and this time he doesn’t stop me, doesn’t grab my hand or tell me not to leave. So I leave.

I could really leave, jump in the car and drive off or just walk until I find the nearest town but I’m not gonna do that to him. I take my jacket from the couch and I walk outside. It's kind of chilly but the sun is shining bright. 

I wait for a couple of minutes, walking around outside trying to tell myself that Winston will come out in a minute, I just need to be a little patient. 

But more than a minute passes and he doesn't come out. 

Okay, maybe he does actually need time to figure it out. Whatever. I won't run off anywhere. I walk down the pier, counting the steps in my head, telling myself to just get over it for fuck's sake. So he loved me and didn't tell me. Not a big deal. 

Then why does it bother me so fucking much? 

I told him how I felt about him and it broke me. That was it, he just left me there. Walked away from me and didn't look back. It would have been nice if he at least told me he felt something too. 

No, he got a boyfriend and he told me that he never felt anything for me instead. Broke me all over again. 

I reach the end of the wooden pier, my feet sink into the sand and I sit down. I'll just wait for him here. He'll have to come out eventually and when he does I won't be mad at him anymore. I'll get over it. Who cares about what happened before, at least he loves me now. 

I bury my feet in the sand for warmth and wrap the jacket around my body even tighter when a shiver passes through my body. He'll come to me soon, I know he will. 

The tip of my nose is starting to freeze. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading i hope you liked this and let me know what you thought


	11. The Past and Its Secrets

**Chapter 11**

It only took him about twenty minutes to finally come outside but at least he came. I was starting to consider walking back to town and getting a ride to Anders. Sure we came in my car but I’m not gonna leave him stranded here. 

But I stayed, no matter how much I wanted to leave, make him worry and maybe even punish him a little. Yeah I know I shouldn't but… I just want him to know that it hurt. Him not telling me that he loved me. 

And then there’s Joe. He knows, he pays attention so he can tell that  _ something _ happened between me and Winston. Question is, how much does he know? And the way I used to talk about Winston and how I thought he was obsessed with me… he definitely knows. I’ll have to talk to him.

"Do you remember when you got into that fight?" Someone sits down next to me on the wooden steps but I don’t react, don’t even look his way. “You called me, came to my house and I looked after you. You slept in my bed that night… that’s when I started feeling stuff.”

I sigh, making it completely obvious that I’m ignoring him. If anything, he’s making this worse.

“And then Leo’s funeral? Obviously I cared about you before that but this was when I started to feel things that I couldn’t ignore anymore. You were in my bed, Leeya came to get you and you picked me over her. That's when I was starting to… notice my feelings for you." He pauses and glances at me, I see it from the corner of my eye. 

Leo's funeral… that was so fucking long ago. And he’s only telling me this now? Why didn't he- he could have just told me this and we would have been okay. At least I would have known.

"So you lied when you said you never loved me," I say slowly without taking my eyes off the sea. The sea wouldn’t lie to me. Precisely why I moved away from the rest of humanity. I was alone then. Not happy but no one disappointed me either. 

"No-I… Yes but- I thought you knew," Winston panics and scoots closer to me. I'm not a fucking mind reader. How was I meant to know that he loved me? All those sleepless nights I spent wondering why I wasn't enough and what Holden had that I didn't… and he's here telling me that he loved me all along. 

“But when I really knew was when… when Leeya told me to stay away from you I panicked because I couldn’t  _ imagine _ leaving you alone. And then you said all those… things to me on the bus and I was so angry at myself for letting myself fall for you.”

“So now it’s my fault?”

“I didn’t say that!” Winston protests sounding genuinely angry. “Can you listen to what I’m saying? I knew I loved you and it scared the shit out of me and then- Then you told me that I meant nothing to you, that I was just some obsessed fan and my whole world came crashing down because all I could- I thought, wow I really just fell for someone who couldn’t give two shits about me. But that wasn’t it- No. You told me that you wanted me dead… and you know what? I wanted to be dead, dying would have hurt less than having to stand there like- and listen to you just-”

“Winston.” I try to put my arm around his shoulders but he pushes me away.

“Don’t interrupt me.” The anger isn’t there anymore, he’s not angry. Just sad. I don’t wanna make him sad. “It hurt, okay? So even after when… when you told me how you felt- I was so angry at you. If I’m being honest, I didn’t believe you. I thought you were just saying it to make me stay. Except you wanted me to leave and I- I got even more confused. Tried to figure out if you meant it or not and I… I couldn’t say it back. It was the only thing I had left, I couldn’t give you that part of myself.”

Because he thought I didn’t love him. That I was just saying it to manipulate him further. But he loved me.

I clear my throat when he finally takes a deep breath and looks at me like he’s waiting for me to say my part. "I thought I was…” Unlovable. I look down, avoid his gaze. “There was this one person in the world who saw the real me. The only one I ever let in and you… you said you never loved me. Do you know how much sleep I lost over it?"

Now he looks apologetic and we look away the second our eyes meet. But it can’t stay like this, I can’t keep pushing him away every time we talk about those things. “I’m sorry,” I say, turning back to face him again. I can apologise first, I don’t need to drag it out. “I was such a fucking idiot back then, I’m really sorry for hurting you.”

“I’m sorry too,” he says after a moment passes and then Winston wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his chest. “I never wanted to hurt you.” Never? Not even when he used Holden as a weapon? Flaunted him in my face knowing that-

“It’s okay,” I say. It’s okay if he wanted to hurt me. I wanted to hurt him too, push him away and punish him. It’s not something I’m proud of.

My head is resting on his shoulder and his breathing is irregular. We’re both confused. I thought we had it figured out already - this is only the beginning. 

“Holden knows about us,” I say into the empty air.

Winston sighs. “I know.” I could pull away and ask him how, why, when- But does it really matter now? “I think he always knew. He was always asking questions about you but I… I didn’t tell him anything. I think that only made it worse but I never admitted it to him. I don’t think he’ll tell anyone if that’s what you’re worried about.”

That’s when I pull away. “I’m not worried about people knowing about us. I mean- I thought we’d tell people… someday?” I wasn’t expecting him to… want to keep this a secret. I thought we were above that.

But Winston smiles and for once- for once in my life it’s like I’ve finally said the right thing. Just this one. He looks down at his lap shyly, smiles to himself like something’s funny but only he knows.

I watch him stand up, slowly walk away from the pier and then turn around and give me a look that appears to be an invitation to join him. Our place.

I follow close behind, trying my best to keep up without getting sand in my shoes. Winston hasn’t stopped smiling, it’s quite weird actually. What have I done to make him smile like that?

Winston stops when he reaches the sea. He stands there with his hands in his pockets. I see him swallow as the sea crashes gently, wave after wave stopping in front of us. “So… you’re gonna start introducing me as your boyfriend now?” Winston asks and he’s not fully serious but he might be.

Boyfriend. What does that word even mean?

"Um… I guess?” I say unsurely because it seems so silly. After all this, we just get to call each other boyfriend. It’s not enough. We’ve been through a lot of shit together... the word ‘boyfriend’ just won’t cut it.

“You don’t seem… very happy about that,” Winston observes and he laughs nervously. “It’s okay if you’re not ready for a relationship yet. I was just kidding, you don’t have to-”

“It’s not that,” I interrupt him. “It just seems a little… I don’t know. I don’t wanna call you my ‘boyfriend’ like we’re in high school or something. I’m twenty-three for fuck’s sake.”

Winston chuckles. For some reason, he finds this amusing. “Old man, I’m only twenty-two.” I nudge him with my hip and he quickly apologises and takes my hand. My hand. I’m holding his hand. “I’m fine with anything. Anything but ‘friend’.”

“What about ‘acquaintance’?” I tease him and Winston drops my hand. “I’m just messing with you!”

“Yeah you better be,” he mutters but then a second later, he pulls me towards him and his lips are on mine. If that’s what I get for calling him an acquaintance, I should do it more often.

When he pulls away, I place my hands on his hips. His forehead rests against mine, his eyes are closed. “I don’t like fighting with you,” Winston whispers. I’ll admit that there was a time when I used to piss him off just for pure entertainment. It’s not like that anymore. I don’t like fighting with him either and I wish I knew just how to… how to do this without ever causing any arguments.

“Can we go back inside?” I ask when the waves crash again and the water almost touches my shoe. Winston sees me step away from the sea and when I look up he grins.

“Look at you, getting scared of a little water,” he comments. “How are you gonna be a surfing instructor when you can’t even go into the sea?”

“Shut up.” I didn’t think he remembered that. Always full of surprises.

***

We spent the whole day in bed, at some point I had to move to answer the phone - Anders. Wanted to know when I was planning on returning from fairytale land. Hopefully never.

But I know I have things to do like look after Justin, visit Charlie, work with Nick and help out with Leon - Anders is dealing with all of that at the moment. I’ve got responsibilities that I can’t ignore.

But I also have him.

He’s laying in my lap, a bedsheet covering everything but his chest. He’s reading a book, I play with his hair. Sometimes he hums, pauses and smiles or he puts the book to the side and says something like - ‘Are you hungry yet? There’s a place not far from here.’ or he asks more personal things. 

Like how Charlie’s doing or if I’ve heard from Joe… if I’ve thought about Estela.

I have.

Winston’s hand briefly brushes against mine when he moves his hair out of his eyes. He looks up for a split second and smiles at me then goes back to reading.

We’ve been here for hours and we haven’t done a thing.

Well, I managed to draw a pretty shit sketch of Winston that I quickly scrunched up the second he asked me what I was doing.

We haven’t… I think we’re done talking about the past, we’ve said all we needed to say. And I don't tell him about that one party. Nick’s birthday party when I saw him. There are things I'll never tell him. The things I did when I missed him. He doesn't need to know. There’s no point. It doesn’t matter anymore. I have him.

“What’s your family like?” I ask out of the blue. I told Anders that I’ll need… several days and he wasn’t happy about it but what can he do? He just told me not to do anything stupid and answer if he calls.

“You mean my dad?” Winston asks, suddenly sounding nervous. Sure, his dad. I know that he didn’t grow up with his mother, she left him when he was just a little kid. And that’s about all I know about his family. I nod and Winson purses his lips before putting the book to the side. “Well… um. What do you wanna know?”

I don’t really know but my family’s a mess and he’s never really talked about his… I just know that his dad is a producer, makes documentaries mostly, sometimes short films. He’s good. Used to treat me like a God.

“Do you get on with him?”

Winston smiles to himself. “Yeah… I do. My dad he- he’s always there for me. Loves me but he still treats me like I’m his little boy.” He pauses and glances at me like he thinks that talking about his family might upset me somehow. It won’t, I’m glad at least one of us had that. Unconditional love. I thought it was a myth.

“I know he wants the best for me,” Winston continues. “But I wanna do things on my own and not always have to rely on him. But it’s good to know that he’ll be here for me no matter what.”

And even though he’s gay, his dad still loves him. Still wants the best for him. He’s proud of him. I wonder what that’s like.

“Do you keep in touch with your mom?” He never talks about his mom, never really talked about his dad either. It was all about me. 

Winston shakes his head. “I don’t need her, my dad and I are fine on our own.”

Aren’t mothers supposed to be the parent that the child feels close to? She’s supposed to care for them in a way that a father can’t. At least that’s what I thought.

“Does your dad… know… about us?” I ask wanting to stir the conversation away from his mother because he’s clearly uncomfortable talking about her. 

I’m not really sure what ‘us’ is. There’s not a lot to tell.

“No, never told him,” Winston says.

“And Holden?” Surely he knows about Holden, they were together for almost a year. And I don’t even know why I’m asking.

Winston hesitates. “Yeah. But he doesn’t like him very much.” Weird. I always thought Holden would be the guy you’d take home to meet your parents. 

He puts his hand on the back of my neck and pulls my head down. He’s done talking about this and he’s making it clear that Holden isn’t something we should be talking about. That’s over.

I kiss him, my nose bumps against his and he grins. “Hi.” I never thought one simple word could make me smile like an idiot. When did this happen? It seems like we’ve been together for months but only last month I was… I was sure there was no way we’d be together. And now-

And now.

"Tomorrow… I don't know if I'm ready," I sigh as I pull away. I lean back against the headboard of the bed while my hand stays in Winston's hair. 

"I think you are," Winston whispers. "You don't have to see them… but you want to. I think that. I think it's really mature of you to try to put it behind you."

Seeing my family after so long… my heart thuds just thinking about it. Last time I saw my dad he called me a good for nothing criminal. Said I brought shame to the entire family. Probably wished I was never born. 

Me too. 

"And I'll be there," Winston goes on when I don't speak. "So if anything happens I'll try my best to fix it and… and if you wanna talk about anything then I'll be there too. You won't be doing it alone." He takes my hand, intertwines our fingers and squeezes tight. "I'll be there for you because I love you."

I still haven't gotten used to hearing it and every time he says it it's like… my stomach drops and I feel like a giddy teenager. 

"Thanks. This is… I like this," I say and Winston smiles. "It… yeah. I love you too." He grins so wide that it hurts just looking at him. But I like making him smile. 

"I love that you love me," he whispers and I roll my eyes. He's like a giddy teenager too. "I'm hungry," Winston then says as he let's go of my hand. "And we already ate all the food we had so… you drive?" 

I guess I'll drive. 

***

An old broken down Jeep stands in front of the house. It's rusty, one of the windows is smashed in and the tyres are all punctured. Three of them, one of them is missing. 

I think of how I used to drive that thing to school every single day and now it belongs in a scrapyard. Why are they keeping it? 

Winston taps on the steering wheel. We've been sitting here for the past half an hour. Parked in front of this old house full of memories that I've done my best to repress. 

Blood. Glass. Screaming. Bruises. 

Estela always made excuses. Daddy's girl. She'd shut her door whenever he beat the shit out of me and then later on she'd say that I shouldn't provoke him so much. Breathing too loudly counted as provoking him. 

Winston clears his throat. I said I'd go inside fifteen minutes ago. I'm still here. There's something evil about that house. 

"I wanna go home," I say. Home. The word rolls off the tongue, makes me feel safe just at the thought of it. The place we left in the early afternoon to relive old memories. Memories that should be sealed and burned, not exposed. 

"You've already come so far," Winston says gently and I know and that's what scares me. This was a bad bad idea. I turn to look at him hoping he'll give in and say I'm right, we should go back. "I'll go with you if it's easier," he offers and it's the same thing he said half an hour ago and fifteen minutes ago. 

"No, I- I'll be fine." But I make no attempt to get out of the car. I don't even know if they still live here. I'm hoping they don't. 

"Monty."

"I don't know if I can do this," I finally admit. I thought I was ready but my stomach twists at the mere thought of knocking on the door and seeing him open it. What would he say? Nothing, he'd probably spit in my face. 

Estela said that I'm not her brother, he'd say that I'm not his son. I wish that was the case.

Winston places his hand on my knee. I flinch. He takes it away. 

I think about my dad seeing me with him. He'd beat me to death if he knew I was in love with a man. Winston knows this, he knows things about my dad. Some of them. 

"Okay, let's go home." The engine comes to life and I panic. We can't- I didn't come here just to prove my father right. He said I was good for nothing, made me believe I was worthless. But right now I'm in a car with someone who says he loves me and he  _ knows _ me. 

He knows all of it and he loves me regardless. 

"Wait," I say defeatedly. Fine, you win. "Just… Wait here. I don't want that bastard seeing you." I don't even want him to know about Winston, it's for his own safety. 

"Alright… " The engine turns silent. "I'll wait here." 

I walk up the path, each step forward reminding me of something new. Like this place right here when he threw a beer bottle at me and told me to never come home. It shattered on the ground, didn't hurt me. Physically. 

I turn to glance at Winston. He’s still in the car, encouragingly smiling at me. Just knock for fuck’s sake. Get this over with. 

I knock twice.

No response. 

That’s enough of that. So I start to turn around but Winston is rolling his window down. He shakes his head at me. “Turn yourself right around and wait!” he shouts over to me. I roll my eyes before turning around again. Whatever. I’ll wait.

Then he tells me to knock again and my palms are already starting to sweat but I do anyway and pray that no one’s home. 

The light flicks on in the hallway, a soft yellow glow comes through the glass part of the door and I hold my breath. Everything happens so fast and then it’s… still. Everything stops.

A woman stands in front of me. Blonde hair with grey roots, fair skin and brown eyes. Everyone always said I got my eyes from her, my dad’s eyes are dark - almost black. Especially when he got angry. 

She stares at me, I stare at her. I blink and I say, "Hello." What a strange way to start a conversation. 

She's not sure what to say as her eyebrows knit together. I swallow already knowing that this was a bad idea and I should have turned back when I had the chance. 

"Monty?" the woman asks like she hasn't said the name in so long that it's unfamiliar to her. Her face softens, she resembles my mother just a little bit. 

Neither of us says a word for a couple of seconds and I realise that I have no idea what I'm doing here. I was supposed to talk to them, make peace with the past and just forget about it but my mother is standing in front of me and all I can feel is guilt. 

"Can I- can I come in?" I bite my bottom lip. She'll shut the door in my face. She should. 

But instead, the woman smiles at me. She opens the door. "Come in," she says like it's just a regular day and I'm coming by for lunch. 

I take one last glance at Winston before stepping inside. He's smiling. 

The house hasn't changed much on the inside. Same wallpaper, same carpet, same pictures, same furniture. I look around the living room and I know that there's a hole in the wall behind that painting, there's a burn stain in the rug under the cream couch, there's a faded bloodstain on that pillow that's turned the other way…

My father made this house his. 

"Is strawberry tea still your favourite?" I tear my eyes away from the painting and slowly sit down on the couch. Strawberry tea. That's something I haven't thought about in a long time. 

Being back in this house is… I know I grew up here but it’s not familiar in the way that it should be. It’s like a place you saw in a nightmare and forgot about until something reminds you of it.

A few minutes pass, my mom places a cup down on the coffee table in front of me. She smiles. I force myself to smile back. "Thanks." I take the first sip and the strawberry taste reminds me of what I’m there for. I lick my lips. No beating around the bush. "Where's… dad?"

She looks confused, her eyebrows furrow, wrinkles form on her forehead and she exhales through her nose. "You don't know… of course you don't know," she mutters to herself. That's when my pulse quickens again. 

"Know what?"

"Your father isn't with us," she explains in a quiet voice. "He… had a heart attack about two years ago."

"Oh." 

Oh. What more can I say? I'm sorry? I'm not sorry. I… he's my dad though. It hurts but in a weird way I feel relief. He's… gone. No longer with us. 

"Why… I'm happy that you're here but why  _ are _ you here?" my mom speaks up. I'm not sure how to answer that. 

"I don't know." It's the most honest answer I can give. 

My mother sighs, she looks down at her lap. "It's good to see you. I thought I was never going to see my son again… you were gone for so long."

It's my mother. She wasn't… the best and I don't believe that blood defines family but I'm so so fucking tired of fighting, of keeping grudges. 

"I'm sorry for not keeping in touch," I say because it's the only thing I can think of that's worth apologizing to her for. Maybe I'm sorry for getting addicted to drugs, for getting arrested, for disgracing this family like my father said. But I'm not gonna apologise for that.

To my surprise, my mother says, "It's okay, you're here now." And it's not something I ever expected to hear. I never expected someone to forgive me so easily. But she's my mother. 

I don't say a word and her hand lands on my knee in a comforting manner. We were never affectionate, my family. I can’t recall ever hearing an 'I love you' coming from my parents' mouths. We weren't close. 

"I'd like to get to know my son," my mother continues and she wipes her cheeks when a small tear falls from her eyes. I've seen my mother cry. She'd cry all the time. My dad would beat me, leave me on the floor and he'd walk out of the house. Be gone for hours. She'd sit beside me and sob and she'd apologise for my dad but I never took her apologises seriously. What was the point if we both knew it was gonna happen again? 

"I know that we never… Got along and I'm sorry for everything. I should have been a good mother. And you were only a child…" She lets out a ragged breath and I know that it's time. It's time. 

"It's okay... mom, it's okay." My hand lands on top of hers, it's a weird feeling. I laugh lightly, my throat tightens. I wish Winston was here. "I'm… I forgive you," I eventually choke out and then she lets out a strained laugh like she waited for this moment her whole life. A heavy weight is lifted off my chest. 

She holds my hand for a couple of seconds before both of us decide to pull away. Affection is still a new feeling. 

She looks away and I do too. It's silent for a second, all I hear is my mother sniffling and it's still so… surreal. After all this time, I'm with my mom and there's… it's peaceful. 

"So how come a big star like you has time for someone like me?" my mother asks with a small laugh. I wouldn't call myself a 'big star' but seems to me that she's been keeping up with my life and what I've been doing. At least the things that the media knows about. Not a lot. 

"I… I have some time off," I say simply. Which is a lie, I don't have time for trips like this. I'm just glad that Anders understands. 

"And you came alone?" I see, she wants to know more about me, wants to know what she missed out on. 

"No… I came here with my- my friend," I say and my mom smiles. I see the hopefully gleam in her eyes. Friend. I just called him my friend. "Actually, he's not a friend," I correct myself and my mother frowns. "I love him."

There's a pause. Him. A boy. A man. I wait for the world to come crashing down. 

"What's his name?" my mom asks smiling warmly. 

"Winston."

"Would Winston like to come in for some tea?"

I sigh with relief. There's no shouting, no broken glass or blood… It's weird to say the least. My dad's probably turning in his grave. Rest in peace old man.

"I think he's more of a coffee type of guy."

***

"And here's Monty with the team, he was fifteen here," my mom says as she points to another photograph in the album. Winston's awws, examines the photo closer and smiles at me. 

At this point, I wish my mother had slammed the door in my face. 

I always knew he was good with people but all it took was one hello, one smile and my mom fell in love. Though I understand, how can you not fall in love with him?

“Mind the black eye, he got it in training if my memory serves me right,” my mom continues and I scoff under my breath. That’s where I told her I got it from. Did she really believe me or is it easier to pretend?

"So he's always been like that? Getting into fights left and right?" Winston asks as he looks at the picture where I'm stood between Bryce and this other guy whose name I can't remember. I'm holding the trophy. Smiling. We won some meaningless competition but back then it was everything.

"Oh yeah, always," my mom says throwing a nervous look my way. I look away. "He's grown up so much since then…" she turns the page over and then quickly skips to the next page. I saw that photo of Scotty and me. 

As my mom explains the history behind the next four photos, I try to think of an excuse for why we should be going now. Don't get me wrong, I love that we made up but… we  _ just _ made up. I don't wanna sit here for hours catching up on all the years she's missed out on. Six years. 

"...His dad was so proud of him, watched every single game, told everyone he came across that his son was going to bring the World Cup home. To Portugal where it belongs." I wasn't listening. I should have been. 

Dad proud? Sounds like a lie. Definitely a lie. Probably. Obviously. 

Winston is nodding along as he looks at the picture in the photo album. I must be about six - maybe five - in the photo, dad is holding me in his arms and I'm looking directly at the camera while he's smiling at me like I’m all that matters. 

I have no memory of it. It may as well be fake. 

I look away but the image is burned into my mind. The Portuguese flag on the T-shirt that little Monty was wearing bleeds red in my head. That damn green and red flag. 

"God, is it that time already?" My head turns towards Winston who's examining his watch. It's only two in the afternoon but he glances at me like he wants me to say something. He can’t put me on the spot like that and expect me to know what he wants.

“Huh?”

“We told Anders we’d visit him at four, right? We should get going.” And so Winston stands up and my mom seems oblivious to the fact that he’s lying. Okay. Just get me out of here. 

“It was lovely meeting you… and reconnecting,” she sends a look my way as I stand up on shaky legs. Yeah. 

That picture is still in my head. 

Bloodstains on the couch.

A hole in the wall.

Their voices fade away into the distance and I hear the low murmur of his voice but I can’t make anything out. Everything blurs.

Then a hand is on my back, pushing- no,  _ guiding _ me towards the door. He keeps saying that I’m okay, that we’ll be outside soon and he reminds me to breathe.

My head is spinning.

He used to love me. What happened?

I walk down the steps - I hear my dad’s voice. A bottle crashes on the ground to my right. I flinch.

“Hey,” Winston’s voice is louder now, not muffled anymore. I blink. His face comes into focus. He’s standing in front of me with his hands on my shoulders. The car is parked behind him. He looks at me with worry written all over his face. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” I say and then it’s like a punch in the stomach. I think Winston sees it somehow - maybe the fact that my hands are trembling or I keep trying to swallow that lump down or maybe it’s the heavy breathing. But he wraps one arm around my shoulders.

“Come here,” he says and he pulls me into his chest. I do try to struggle, just a little. He’s not having any of it.

So I say, “I think I’m gonna puke.” I feel like it.

“You better not, I’m wearing my expensive shoes,” he says and I laugh. No sound of glass breaking. It’s okay, my dad isn’t here. It’s just me and him. And my mom who’s probably watching from inside the house. I’ve gone soft.

I take a deep breath, close my eyes and press my nose against the side of Winston’s neck. He smells so good. I hold him tighter. “All your shoes are expensive,” I mumble and Winston scoffs. “Pretty boy.” He kicks my foot. I chuckle, feel a lot better. “Don’t, you wouldn’t wanna damage your expensive shoes.”

When he pulls away, he rolls his eyes at me and I can’t stop grinning. “Just get in the car you idiot.” Winston walks away from me and as he goes back into the car, I glance back at the house.

There’s something I gotta do.

***

Manuel de la Cruz. Loving father and husband. 

I scoff, lift the bottle to my lips and take another sip. It must be a sin to put lies on someone's grave. Loving… far from it. 

I hold the bottle out to Winston who looks deep in thought. He hasn't really… said anything. I mean, I've done most of the talking. Telling him about the man who is biologically my father. He’s not a dad, never was. I guess it must be hard for him to understand knowing the relationship he has with  _ his _ dad. 

I nudge him and he finally looks up while still biting his bottom lip. His eyes focus on the beer bottle I'm holding out and he shakes his head. "I'm driving, Monty." It's just beer… though whatever, if he doesn't want to then more for me. 

I take another sip, the bottle is empty after another two minutes. I'd throw it at the motherfucking gravestone but I have more decency than him, he used to throw them at me for fun. Anything happened and I'd be the one getting hurt. Ran right over to Scott's house. I made it out of the door most of the time. Most of the time. 

"And no one ever... " Winston turns to me, his brow is furrowed and he sighs like it still doesn't make sense to him. "No one ever… asked why you kept showing up to school with bruises? Cuts? Broken bones?"

I shrug. It was a different time back then. It was a form of disciple and teachers… it was best for them not to ask too many questions. You'd think it would change by now but Charlie's… he's enough proof that it'll never get better for kids like me and him. 

Silence falls between us, he doesn't know what to say anymore. But at least I told him, I told him about all the things I tried to bury deep down. 

"He died like a nobody," I say finally. Winston only nods. I didn't even know that he died, would I have come to the funeral if I did? Probably not. Probably wouldn't have changed anything. 

"I'm sorry you had to… go through that." 

"It's fine," I say like its an automated response. "It was a long time ago… I'm over it." I'm not used to talking about my dad, Anders only knows because he had to know. Winston… maybe I want him to know. I trust him. 

"It's just that… he made me feel so scared all the time and now he's… rotting underground. It's weird." Difficult to explain, the first man I feared is just a corpse now. Lifeless. I wonder what his last moments on earth looked like. Did he know he was going to die? Did he think about me? Maybe he did, maybe he somehow managed to blame me for it too. 

"He's gone now, you don't have to be scared anymore," Winston says but when he tries to put his arm around my shoulders, I shrug him off. 

"Then why do I still let him get to me?" I cover my face with my hands to try to block him out but… this city. That house. It's like he's still around, still haunting me. 

This time I let Winston pull me closer to him and as we stand there with his arms wrapped around my chest from the back, the letters on the gravestone start to blur. 

I thought I was done talking about him but then suddenly the words start spilling out of my mouth by themselves. "He always… it was like everything he did was to hurt me. And he  _ always _ had a fucking excuse. If his car broke down, it was my fault - I deserved a beating. When mom lost her job, it was my fault too. If Estela stayed out half an hour past her curfew… my fault. Everything was my fault."

Winston listens patiently with his head resting on my shoulder. His grip around me tightens like he's scared to let me go. I don't want him to let go right now. 

I play with the beer bottle in my hand, try to tear off the sticker so I have something else to focus on rather than the grave in front of me. 

"Estela and I… we never got on. I mean, it wasn't like we fought every day. We just weren't close. Ever." Maybe once we grew up, that's when we finally started getting on. Right before I fucked it up again. "She was dad's favourite so he didn't… treat as like he treated me. But it wasn't perfect for her either. Both of us wanted to be out of there as fast as we could be though I never threw her under the bus to save my own ass."

I scoff remembering all the times she ratted me out to save herself. Dad's anger about Estela coming home late wouldn't be focused on her for too long when he found out that _ I _ was the one who stole his bottle of whiskey the month before. Mom had managed to convince him that he drank it and was too drunk to remember. I don't think he believed her and then Estela telling him that it was me? Boy, was he pissed. 

"So you and your sister… do you think you'll ever make up?" He's an only child, he doesn't know what it's like to have siblings. Someone who grew up with you, someone who's weirdly similar to you in more ways than one but at the same time completely different. Someone who you love and hate at the same time. 

"I don't know," I answer truthfully. I don't wanna fight with her forever but if I could have it my way, I'd like to just forget about her. Never see her again. 

"Would you like to?"

"I really don’t know... " 

Winston sighs. "We can talk about it another time then, I think you've had enough for tonight." It's all too much, overwhelming. Winston is right as always. 

"Yeah… let's just go home." Home. I like that word. Winston does too, he smiles at me before gently kissing my cheek. If my father could see, he'd have a second heart attack. 

"Okay… let's go home."

And as we walk through the cemetery, my eyes focus on a bouquet of red roses. Fresh ones, placed on a grave no longer than two days ago. 

I briefly glance at the name as we walk past. 

Scott James Reed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, im hoping to finish writing tah this month so the full thing should be completed and posted in march :)


	12. Closer Than Family

**Chapter Twelve**

“When you said a couple of days, I thought you meant-”

“Yeah, yeah, we’ve only been gone for a-” Winston pushes me onto the mattress, the phone falls out of my hand but fortunately I manage to grab it before it can bounce onto the floor. He’s a horny drunk. 

“Can you hear me?” I hear Anders ask as soon as I bring the phone to my ear. Winson starts working on my belt. My breath hitches in my throat. “Is the signal on your end-”

“Yeah, I think it’s the signal here,” I rush out. Isolated places near the sea, the signal is bound to be terrible… Winston pulls my pants down, he yanks them hard when they get stuck at my ankles and then bursts into laughter. I give him a light nudge with my foot. “Quiet,” I mouth to him.

“Hang up,” he mouths back as Anders is explaining something to me. I’m not paying attention but I still push him away when he tries snatching the phone out of my hand. 

“Fuck off!” I laugh and smack his hand away. “Just take your clothes off, I’ll be there in a second.” And that’s what he does. Though he has to roll his eyes first because he doesn’t like being told what to do and then he stands by the closet where he takes his shirt off. 

It isn’t until I tear my eyes away from him that I realise that Anders has gone silent. “Hello?”

“You know what…” Anders sighs over the phone. Did he… hear that? Shit. “Just call me when you’re... done catching up,” he says and I bite my lip. He heard alright. 

“Um, right. Bye.” I hang up just in time to see Winston sort his hair out in the mirror. He might need to get it trimmed a little, it’s starting to grow past his ears. 

He’s looking in the mirror, focused on sorting out his hair, putting all the strands in the right places even though he knows it’s gonna end up being a sweaty mess by the time I’m done with him.

The party did us good. Winston finally got tired of staying in bed all day, day after day and he managed to convince me to go to some stupid party in town. I tried to complain, all I wanted to do was go back to it being just me and him again but I gave in after five minutes. 

It was nice, we had fun and… we may have made some friends. A guy and two girls. Lesbians. I've never met a lesbian before. But it was the dude I had my eye on. Kept on looking Winston up and down like a freak. Diego? Was that his name?

"Do you have to go back?" Winston asks as he takes a few steps towards the bed. Anders said to come back when we're done… we're not done yet. I shake my head and he grins. "Good."

He leans forward, his hands slide under my shirt and then he tugs it over my head. I'm still getting used to it, his body, the way his hands feel on my back and how he likes to be in control. Mostly. 

He lays on top of me, our legs tangle together on the bed so that I have no idea which one is mine and which one is his. And he kisses my neck, biting me, leaving marks everywhere. I groan. 

He gets so possessive sometimes. 

"Want you," he mumbles while his hand sneaks into my boxers. We're making up for lost time. 

I’ve been wanting him to… do that thing but I’m not gonna fucking ask for it. That's weird. But if he asks…

No, he wouldn’t even think about asking about  _ that _ . Why would he?

He said it before: “You gotta tell me what you like… I can’t read your mind.” And I avoided the question, simply shrugged and distracted him. 

Now I wanna ask. While he's drunk. While he might not remember me asking in the morning. 

I can’t.

So I let him do what he does best. Distract me. His weight is on top of me, pinning me into the mattress so I know I can’t leave. I don’t want to. Don’t wanna think about anything outside of this room - Anders or Justin or anything else in the world. None of it.

Just him.

Winston looks at me like he’s asking for permission, his eyes dart from my lips to my eyes and he smiles innocently like only he can. It’s like everything stops for a second, just a moment of it being us two and having all the time in the world.

He leans down, gently attaches his lips to mine and I feel him smiling. He tastes like alcohol, I do too. He smells like me, I smell like him. It’s hard to remember what it was like before he walked into my life.

When I cup the back of his head to hold him, he suddenly pulls away and looks around with a frown on his face. “What?” I ask but he’s chewing his lip, looking at the dresser like it called him a slur. I’m used to seeing him smile, all day and night without breaks so seeing him frowning for the first time in days… Did I do something wrong?

“What?” I repeat and then Winston sighs, shakes his head and his eyes focus on me.

“Nevermind.” 

Huh? He’d never let me get away with that, I’m not letting him either. I sit up, my back flat against the headboard so that he’s still on top of me, kind of sitting in my lap.

"I was just thinking," he says without me having to ask. He puts his head on my shoulder, one of his legs is wrapped around my lower back and one of his hands rests on my other shoulder. He sighs deeply. 

"Care to share?"

He chuckles under his breath, his thumb caresses my collarbone and I try hard not to focus on his touch, his smell, his skin and his laugh. He makes everything else hard to focus on but I place my hand on his lower back and tell myself to concentrate. 

"I… I just have a question," he says quietly. I think it's the alcohol, he wouldn't be telling me this if he wasn't drunk. 

"...Okay?"

"You don't have to answer," he adds and squirms in my lap. Something about the way he says it makes me uneasy. He's the one who's great at communicating, he's not shy to say anything. 

My heart starts to beat a little faster but I want to ignore it, want to switch off the voice in my head that's already making me panic, putting the worst scenarios in my head. 

"Alex, did he… did you ever let him… fuck you?" As soon as the question is out, my hands slip away from his back. Winston immediately turns to look at me. "Sorry. Sorry, I didn't mean to be intrusive. I was just thinking about it. You don't have to-"

"No," I answer shortly. No, I… I couldn't have. Then I scoff, try to push him out of my lap. "You think I'd let just anyone fuck me?"

Winston's eyebrows knit together. "What? No, I didn't say that! It was just a question." He won't let go of me, stays in my lap while I'm trying to ignore my beating heart. Cover it up. Argue. Distract him. 

Anything. 

"I was just thinking about it."

"Fucking me?" I feel my face heat up as the question leaves my mouth. I don't look at him. Why would he think about it? Same reason I was thinking about it. But I would have never let anyone else.

Silence. He doesn't answer and I finally gather the courage to look up at him. His eyes are dark and wide, I'm not sure what to say. 

"You're thinking about it too," Winston then states in a low voice. Yeah, no shit. I don't confirm or deny it. I start to mess around with the sheets, running the edge of the white cover between my fingers. "You shouldn't be embarrassed," Winston continues and I wanna know how he can be drunk and still have this  _ thing _ \- he always knows what to say, it isn't a skill you can learn.

His hand ends up on the back of my neck, slowly he rubs his thumb across my skin and my body finally starts to relax. "Would you?"

"Would I what?" he asks and keeps his face completely unreadable. I can't tell if he doesn't know what I'm talking about or if he's making me work for it. I hate asking. 

I gulp. "You know… switch with me?" 

Winston's a little more direct. "You want me to fuck you? Feel me inside you?"

My pulse picks up again, it's getting hard to breathe. The room is stuffy. I blink several times. 

The first time… I thought it was the weirdest thing I'd ever done. Wasn't gonna do it ever again. Especially after what happened right after. We both know it didn’t end well. 

I don't know if I should let him. Bad things happened last time I did. I had to sit on a train while I still felt him inside me, had to walk to my apartment while I remembered what he sounded like. How he pushed into me, how good he was at everything. And then his tongue and his fingers and his-

It made me feel terrible afterwards. When Leeya was crying and screaming and all I could think about was him. When am I gonna see him again? I could feel him but it wasn't enough. I needed him again and again and again and then... I finally focused on the crying pregnant girl that was in front of me. 

I convinced myself it would all work out. Ignoring it was my best option. 

I remembered how good he made me feel. 

"Say it," Winston whispers, his lips dangerously close to my ear. I let out a short breath, try to think of a reason not to. Hundreds of reasons. None of them good enough to convince me. 

"I wanna feel you inside me."

He wasn't expecting me to say it. I think that makes it better. "Fuck... " he breaths out and then breaks into this giant grin. He's no longer sitting in my lap. He gets off me, sits on the edge of the bed and then stands up. I stare after him wondering where he's off to now. Don't leave me. 

"Fuck, I… you sure?" He runs a hand through his hair and I think it's the alcohol. Definitely all that alcohol getting him excited. My eyes rest on the bulge in his boxers. 

I nod. Yes. Yes, please. God, anything. Just wanna feel him. Remember what it was like. 

"I'm sure." I glance at him, watch his shoulders slump as the tension suddenly leaves his body. Slowly, Winston turns around. He blinks, licks his bottom lip and sits down. I wait for something - I'm not sure what.

"Okay... " he says softly as his hands reach forward to cradle my face. He gets my blood rushing with his one touch. One simple touch. "Okay."

One of my hands rests on his back and I slowly lay down without breaking eye contact with him. He looks at me, slowly brushes his thumb over my cheekbone and then smiles. 

My chest tightens. I know what I'm about to do, I know what's about to happen and I shouldn't want it but I do. Last time… I felt terrible that I liked it. Somewhere deep down I tried to convince myself I didn't. I did. There were nights where… I was out of my mind - missing him - and all I could think of was how he felt when he was pushing into me. I've thought about it way too many times than I should have. 

He places a kiss on my neck, slow and gentle. Then another, on my shoulder and on my chest, swirls his tongue around my nipple until it gives him the reaction he wants. I bite my lip hard, don't want to make any noise. Then he looks up at me, his lips still touching my chest, and he soothingly places his hand where my heart is. 

Winston smiles. I want to know what he’s thinking but he doesn't say a thing. Just moves his hand down to my thigh where he gently caresses my skin. Every touch feels like a burn. Are we flying too close to the sun? I hope not.

Once he reaches the band of my boxers, he slides down the bed so that his feet touch the floor and his knees still touch the mattress. He kisses my left thigh. I groan. "Winston."

"Shut up." He takes a firm hold of my hips like he was to make his point - he's in control. And then he softly kisses my inner thigh. My legs tense up and he looks up at me like he wants to tell me to stop moving.

I say nothing. That's when he decides to take my boxers off, discards them somewhere on the ground and looks me in the eye again. "God, I… I've thought about this so many times."

I want to laugh but my chest feels tight, I just swallow and nod. I understand - I get it. I really do. 

He looks down again, his thumbs brush over my hip bones and he places a small kiss on my other thigh. I can’t look at him, this is torture. I look up at the ceiling. White. The curtains are a light brown, they reach the floor. We haven't closed them once. I wonder if he decorated or-

My hips jerk violently when, without warning, Winston places a kiss on the tip of my erect cock. He grins at me and I try to grab onto something, I settle on the pillow. "Fuck, God I- Fuck."

His tongue licks around the head and he knows what he's doing. I hate it. I hate that I need him right now and he's just playing with me. But fine okay. I'll play along. I will because his mouth-

It's enough to make me forget about what this is actually leading to. 

He swallows me down, lazily pulls back so a strand of saliva attaches itself to the tip of my erection. I stare at him, wait to feel his mouth again but he looks around instead. 

"Where did we leave the lube?"

He searches the bed, pats it down and I notice the lube bottle standing on the nightstand. "It's there," I point out impatiently and Winston grabs the bottle. 

He takes a hold of my legs and pushes them so that they're bent at my chest. I close my eyes trying hard not to think about what I look like right now. Ass exposed, chest flushed, cock leaking while he's got me flat on the bed. I think I enjoyed being on my hands and knees better - he couldn't see me then. 

"You okay?" His hand is gently stroking the back of my thigh - more in a soothing way than anything else. I nod and keep my eyes closed. He doesn't say anything for a few seconds, just continues to stroke my thigh and I let myself breathe. I trust him, of course I do. I just hate being so vulnerable with him. Last time-

"Winston please." I push those thoughts away. Don't wanna think about that, just want him and him only. 

"You look so good like this," he says in a low voice and I know he's not saying it just to reassure me. Want pools in my guts and I breathe in and out, trying to provide my body with the extra oxygen it seems to suddenly need. 

"Monty, relax," Winston adds once his hand leaves my thigh and I listen to the sound of the lube bottle popping open. My teeth sink into my bottom lip and my fingers dig into the pillow. I need to clutch onto something before he makes me explode. "Just let go, let yourself relax into it," he continues and that's when I feel his finger circle around the rim of my hole. A sensitive area I haven't really experimented with. Maybe once or twice - tried to finger myself to remember what it was like but it never felt good and the guilt was always there. There's no guilt when he's around. 

He pushes one finger in, all slicked up and wet and I gasp at the sudden intrusion but don't clench because Winston's there and he just- he knows what he's doing. "There you go, that's a good boy." I swallow hard and try to ignore how his words made me feel. How does he make everything sound like a good idea? 

"Oh fuck," I breathe helplessly when his finger leaves only to push me open again. My back arches, I don't even realise. 

"You want more?" And I nod without even thinking about it. There's a moment of hesitation as he applies the lube to his fingers, he looks so lost it in like he forgot what he's doing for a second. I understand why - I look down, I can see the outline of his erection in his boxers and he's… I don't get how he has the patience to prep me when he looks like he wants to fuck me right into the mattress. 

"God, you're so hard," I comment and grin when he realizes and blushes. His face flushes and the colour travels down to his neck and finally his chest. I love seeing him like this. Saying the right thing to throw him off. 

And then he's pushing two fingers into me and I don't feel like teasing him anymore. He splits me open, pushes in slowly and crooks his fingers like he's looking for that magic spot again. It only takes him a few seconds and then-

"Fuckin- fuck!" My back completely lifts off the bed, I arch into his touch. Just want more. But he gently holds me down, pushes me back onto the mattress and he  _ grins _ like he knows how much he can fuck me up without even trying. 

My cock feels heavy just laying there on my stomach, hard and wet at the tip. He pushes his fingers in and out - just the two until I get used to it, pant and beg for more like I don't have a shred of dignity left and he gives in and pushes in a third. I clench my teeth, pull at my hair, try not to groan but then he's got me  _ again _ . The fucking prostate. It's like a weapon. 

At some point, he leans over me and kisses me but I don't kiss back. My lungs are burning, my prostate is being abused and somehow I can't breathe anymore. I'm reduced to panting and occasionally whimpering when it gets too much and I can't take it anymore. 

But he tells me that's it's okay between kisses. He tells me to focus on breathing, he says he knows it feels good and I should tell him that it does. I might have told him, I can't remember. There's a certain point when he pushed me over the edge and my brain turned to mush and I forgot how to speak. Words are no longer important. 

"I wanna fuck you so bad," Winston whispers and that's when I snap back into it. My whole body wired, feeling like I'm gonna burst at the seams because he's just so good at this. And I still need more. 

"Want you to," I answer back with a slight gasp as his fingers leave me empty. I wait for that guilty feeling, the one that should remind me how wrong it is for me to enjoy this but it never comes. I breathe in and out, open my eyes and smile at him. 

He smiles back and that's all that matters. 

He slips out of his boxers, rescues the bottle of lube once again and I observe impatiently as he gets himself ready. He’s hard - I know he got hard from this, from hearing me, seeing me, touching me… it's a good feeling. 

We stopped bothering with the condoms when we ran out. He's clean, I'm clean and it's not like I'm ever planning on having sex with anyone else. I think I speak for both of us. When I came inside him that first time, his eyes widened and his breath hitched in his throat. I just remember watching him, seeing how he reacted. It was different, I liked it. He loved it. I loved it. It sort of felt like I was marking him. 

So as soon as his cock is covered in lube, he stands at the edge of the bed, places one hand on my hip and the other grips the base of his cock. 

I try to look in between us but I can't see. I close my eyes again and tell myself to focus on the feeling instead. I hear his heavy breathing like he's bracing himself for this to happen. The blood pumps in my ears and that's when he pushes inside. 

A muffled groan leaves my mouth, I bring the pillow up to my face and bite hard. He's so fucking big - I fucking forgot what it was like. Now he's pushing into me, fucking splitting me open and forcing his way in and I love it. 

It burns - it fucking does but my back arches into it and my eyes snap open. His mouth is wide open and Winston lets out a loud groan letting me know that it's good. He's still into it. He's fucking me. I'm getting fucked. 

He pushes in further when I relax and it's exactly what I wanted. More of him. It still hurts but underneath that pain, there's a faint feeling of pleasure travelling up my spine. That's what I focus on until he's buried right into me, his thighs glued to my skin and his hands grabbing onto my hips so tight that I grunt. 

"Monty," he manages with a moan and he doesn't move, stays where he is like he just needs a second. I fucking get it. He's inside me again and I don't want him moving just yet. I like feeling him right there, knowing he's all mine now. It never felt like this before. 

When he pulls out, thrusts back inside, finds a slow and steady rhythm - that's when my brain melts. I can barely remember how to count to three, it's all Winston Winston Winston and I've never wanted him more. The pain turns into pleasure, I muffle the moans with the pillow and wrap my arms around it for support. It's blocking my view of him but that's okay, I can feel him pushing in and that's enough. 

He pushes in brutally deep and the noise that leaves my mouth - I didn't know men could make sounds like that. Fuck, I'm louder than he is. This is fucking embarrassing. 

Except it's not. "I love hearing you," he whispers as his hips never stop moving, he keeps up the pace and I pull the pillow away from my face. His hair is glued to his face and he looks me right in the eye, I see his lip trembling like he's gonna lose it soon but I know he's got more self-control than me. At least right now he does.

And he goes faster, puts pressure on my prostate and I can't hold back anymore, the room is filled with the dirty sounds coming from my mouth. Gasps and moans and groans and anything that he makes me feel. 

My body trembles under his touch and it's an automatic response for my hand to move to my cock. I need to - need to let go now before he ruins me. He'll make me explode and I'll never be the same. 

"Stop, don't," Winston interrupts me and he pins my arms down into the mattress. I stare at him and my mouth drops wide open. No. No, I can't- I look down at my cock, back up at him and he grins. 

"Winston-"

"You'll be good," he just says and I believe him. So I nod and ignore the loud thud of my heart. He goes faster now and faster and- and he says something but I can't hear him. I have it all tuned out. My senses are being overworked. I'll pass out from this soon. I love it. 

I forgot what it was like to not feel him inside me. It feels so natural, so good so- he's gonna make me come. I'm gonna come from getting fucked. 

His thrusts become more and more forceful and Winston leans down and kisses my lips so hard that my heart pounds twice as fast. I try to kiss him back but I'm gasping for air, clutching at the sheets and he's got me pinned down. I can't do much. 

"Harder. Please, fuck. Harder," I gasp against his lips and it's like he's a machine and I'm finding it hard to believe he's so in control while I'm… gone. But he goes harder and I feel my cock twitch. Fuck. Oh no. 

I pull away with a gasp and Winston sees it - he knows he's gonna drive me insane and he pulls away and watches me with wide eyes. I'd squirm if I could but I  _ can't _ . I'm no longer in control of my own body. I'm all his. 

My back arches, I choke on my own breath and come spills out right onto my stomach without anything touching my cock. I stare straight at him, he stares back and the room is filled with broken gasps. My body doesn't stop shaking and he fucks me through it as I keep coming and coming and his fingers dig into my flesh so hard that there will be bruises in the morning. 

When he comes- I'm just barely coming down from my orgasm when his grip on my arm tightens and he comes with a low moan. I gasp as soon as I feel it, his come filling me up. I clench around him and he stares right into my eyes as his hips slow down and he keeps coming and I-

I feel like I've been fucking claimed. 

I marked him, now he marked me. 

But it's… I can feel it inside me and even after he pulls out, I still feel it. I just lay there, knowing that I let him come inside me, he made me come with nothing but his cock in my ass and I lay there and I laugh breathlessly. 

"What?" he asks sounding just as shaken up as he lands on the bed. His shoulder touches mine and I turn my head and laugh again. He breaks into a grin. I'm still shaking, he brushes some of my hair away from my forehead while his own hair is glued to his face. "What?" he asks again as he rests his hand on my cheek. 

"I… it's never been that good before," I answer and he looks away and smiles wider like he's pleased. It just gets better and better every fucking time… 

"I think you should let me fuck you more often," Winston says and I raise an eyebrow. He bursts into laughter and then quickly leans in and kisses me gently before I can try to figure out if he's joking or not. I'd let him. I would. 

He rests his forehead against mine, the side of his nose touches mine and I reach over and place a hand on his hip. I love how he feels every time I touch him. Like he's just the perfect shape - made for me. I bury my face on the crook of his neck - breathe him in. A mix of sweat and perfume and alcohol and… me. He really does smell like me. I breathe him in again and he sighs softly. 

"You should shower," he says and I roll my eyes. Winston laughs again in the most adorable way then he kisses the tip of my nose. "I'll come with you, how does that sound?"

"Better." I smile at him. I try to move my leg and it hurts. It feels stiff. I had my legs pushed up to my chest and got fucked. Hard. Last time it hurt just a little less. My eyes focus on the mess on my chest. I look up at the ceiling again. "I came without... "

"Was it… good?" Winston asks after a moment. I bring my hands up to my face, rub them up and down my face and stiffly nod. Winston sighs. "Let's get you cleaned up then."

I get in the shower first while Winston is still in the room looking for something. I can still feel it inside me, I press my forehead against the shower wall and let the water run down. There are finger-shaped bruises on my arms, my hips and my thighs. I trace them with my own fingers and sigh. 

“Hey, your phone keeps ringing,” I look up and Winston stands in the open doorway. He’s holding my phone out towards me, Anders’ name is on the screen and Winston looks worried. I quickly take it from him.

He said he wouldn’t call… I already have a bad feeling about this. “Hey, everything alright?” My hand is wet and I grip onto the phone tight while water runs down my chest. Winston stands and stares.

“I just got some news that I thought you should know," Anders says with a sigh and I can tell he hasn’t slept yet. All he does is work and I know I'm part of the reason why he's so used to a busy schedule. I do wish he wouldn't worry about me all the time though it's nice that he does. 

"So tell me." Whatever it is, I can handle it. 

"It's Charlie," Anders answers like he knows that's the last thing I wanna hear today. "His father gave up his parental rights."

***

_ 'When you voluntarily terminate your parental rights, you are no longer entitled to see the child or have any say in parenting decisions. In addition, you will no longer be required to financially support the child, meaning that you are not required to pay child support.' _

"Monty." I look up from my phone, Winston is biting his lip nervously. "You've read that thing about a thousand times."

"I know. I just wanna make sure." I wanna make sure that there's no way this coward can crawl his way back into Charlie's life. I want him gone. 

Charlie's… shaken up. You'd think he'd be pleased but I think a small part of him was hoping that his dad would get his act together. He is his dad after all. Or was. 

We flew in as soon as we could, a four-hour flight. I think we eventually got to Charlie's aunt's house at about seven in the morning. We haven't slept - I couldn't sleep. 

Anders offered to come, told him to stop being stupid. No way was I gonna let him leave everything behind. I said I'd take care of it. Charlie trusts me, Anders trusts me. 

Winston came too of course. There was no way I could have talked him out of it. But it was too overwhelming for him to be near Charlie, the kid doesn't even know who he is. So he stayed at a hotel while I stayed with Charlie and his aunt and we talked and we read through the paperwork and we talked some more… Charlie cried a little even though he tried his best to act tough. He went to bed just a while before midnight and I joined Winston at the hotel after one in the morning. 

It's been over twenty-four hours since I last slept. Thirty-two hours I think if you count that nap I had right after sex. 

"Monty," Winston says again and I turn my phone off. The screen turns black. Just making sure. 

The hotel room is almost pitch black. I can hear cars outside, an ambulance drives by, some people are laughing. What day of the week is it? 

"Is it Tuesday?"

"Thursday," Winston corrects me and he pries the phone out of my hand and places it on the nightstand on his side of the bed. I spent so much time with him… away from the outside world. I feel guilty for it even though I know I shouldn't. 

I took care of everything back in LA. Told Anders about Justin (briefly - I promised to keep his secret) and he's the professional, he talked to Justin, talked him into seeing someone. A grief counsellor I think. 

Until now, nothing had happened that required me returning to the real world. Now I'm back and all those feelings I had before are settling in again. 

"You can't sleep with your eyes open," Winston tells me as he places his head on my chest. Naturally, I wrap my arm around his shoulders. I know he's trying his best not to bluntly order me to go to sleep for fuck's sake, I know he wants to. 

I wish I could take a break from my thoughts for at least a minute. Everything's just there, making me worry. It wasn't like that when we shut ourselves off from the world. That's over now. We can't escape it anymore. 

"I heard you tried to adopt Charlie," Winston whispers like he's been waiting to say it for quite some time. I look down at him, he tries to smile. "Anders told me."

I'm not even surprised anymore - feels like Anders is part of this relationship sometimes. I scoff, look away. I don't wanna talk about it. 

I didn't want him to know that. It was… I wanted to. Wanted to prove that I could be good for something. And then it failed and I had already pictured it happening and poof. The picture disappeared, Charlie went to live with his aunt. Just another failure in my life. I don't blame myself for it, I don't. I try not to. I can't exactly blame the system either, on paper I look like a lousy father. I wouldn't let myself adopt either. 

"I think that was really kind of you. To be ready to do that," Winston goes on after a minute and he's looking up at me but I avoid his gaze. 

"Well. It didn't work out anyway," I remind him. Don't know what I was thinking. 

Winston sighs defeatedly. Now isn't the time to be talking about it, I'm not in the mood. 

I fall asleep at some point, mid-conversation. I can't even remember what we were talking about. When I wake up, he's still asleep, hugging me from behind.

I glance at the clock. Just past nine in the morning. Charlie has a visit from his social worker soon. I don't need to be there, I'm supposed to come in the afternoon. Until then, I have nothing planned. I don't plan on leaving this hotel room either. 

I order food up to our room, call the reception downstairs and ask her what there is for breakfast. I get waffles with syrup and then consider ordering coffee. He likes his black with sugar but that's just fucking disgusting. I get hot chocolate instead. 

I call Anders to give him an update, Winston is still sleeping. The food arrives, Winston is fast asleep. I keep glancing at the clock wondering if I should wake him up but I have no idea what time he went to sleep at. Maybe he needs it, deserves it after all that happened. 

He looks so innocent when he sleeps. I sit down on the edge of the bed, brush some hair away from his eyes. His lips are pursed, brows furrowed like he's worrying about something even while he sleeps. I thought I did enough worrying for the both of us. 

The sheets cover his body, only his bare arm is visible. I wanna slip back into bed with him, ignore the world, just hold him and make up for lost time. I haven't worried about us for days and now that we're out of our sanctuary, all I do is worry. 

I feel like we're running out of time. We're getting older, we have responsibilities and what if we don't have time for each other? What if we end up like those people who see each other once a week, grow distant and then stay with each other out of habit. 

What if I fuck up and he leaves me?

"What are you doing?" Winston asks sleepily. He wraps his fingers around my wrist and gently pulls me closer for him. "Thought we were gonna sleep in."

"I'm not tired," I lie and Winston rolls his eyes.

"Stop trying to act tough and come here." He won't take no for an answer, he sits up and grabs me so that I can't leave. Winston's arm is firmly wrapped around my back and then he pulls me onto the bed. "Now we sleep."

He seems pleased with himself. I try to get away from him, the breakfast is gonna get cold and I don't have time to sleep. I probably couldn't sleep even if I tried. 

"Monty, come on," he sighs. "You look exhausted, please sleep." He lays down next to me, laying on his side so he can look at me and I notice that he doesn't look as good as he did before. He's clearly stressed. I didn't want him to come here. 

"Why did you come with me?" He raises one eyebrow as if to say 'are you serious?', I am. Why would he want to come with me? He didn't have to. He could have stayed in  Carpinteria  and waited for me to come back. 

"Because I was worried," he answers with obvious confusion in a way like he thinks it should be clear to me. Yeah, okay. He was worried. I'll admit having him here is nice, really nice but I don't wanna make him feel like he has to worry about me his whole life. 

"Because you know I'll do something stupid?" I ask and Winston scoffs. 

"Because I love you," he says, leaving no room for arguments or interpretation. Then he leans in and that's when I believe him. Some nights I still wake up to check if he's real, if I haven't dreamed about all of this. Sometimes I touch his arm, brush some hair away, pull him closer. I'm scared he'll disappear. 

His lips are dry but smooth and when he kisses me, he immediately pulls back. I wait for something more but it never comes. Instead, he looks around, spots the food cart and makes an approving sound. 

"I'm starving." He takes one look at me and then walks over to the silver trolley that was brought to our room. He starts to pick at the food so I leave him to it. 

I pull the sheets over my head, cover my body and sigh. What am I meant to do until the afternoon? Just lay in bed and wait for bad news? 

The cover lifts and then someone joins me under the covers, snuggles up to me and covers us with the duvet. I glance at him and he's brought a plate of waffles with him. "You should eat."

"I'm not hungry."

He sighs. "Okay... " Winston tears his waffle in half, picks at it and then places it back on the plate. "I wish you'd talk to me," he says quietly. 

I raise an eyebrow even though I know he can't see me. Talk to him? "I talk to you all the time." I bring my hand up to his hair almost automatically and try to run my fingers through it but he moves his head away. 

"You don't talk to me," he says and I feel like I've let him down. I don't… I really  _ am _ trying to make it work. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. "Sometimes it feels like you're living in your own world. You're just… worried about something all the time and I don't know what it is so I don't know what to say to help you."

I open my mouth and close it again. I'm not used to this, talking about what's going on in my head. It's difficult to put into words. My eyes focus on his figure in the dark and he's still playing with his food, tearing it up into little pieces. 

"What do you want me to say?"

Winston scoffs and then a moment passes and he licks his lips but doesn't take his eyes off the plate. "Just… tell me what you're thinking about."

"Charlie," is the first word that comes out of my mouth and Winston sighs in what seems like relief. 

"Okay. That's a good start," he says with a nod and then he finally puts one of the tiny waffle pieces into his mouth. "How… how did it go last night?"

I haven't told him? I haven't told him. I'm starting to see what he means. 

"Not good. He's obviously upset," I start and Winston looks at me to show me that I've got his full attention. I know I do. I bring my hand up to his hair and rake my fingers through it. "I mean, it's his dad, you know."

"Yeah… I understand," Winston agrees without saying much. 

I blow air out from between my lips. He's letting me continue. "It's just that he's still a kid - he loves his dad, he's supposed to protect him, not hurt him and I don't think- I don't know. I don't think Charlie… expected this to happen. I think he was counting on going back to his dad." I pause but if Winston is thinking anything at all, nothing is giving him away. "I want to help but I feel so useless just sitting here."

"There's only so much you can do, Monty," he says without missing a beat. "And you've already helped so much, you didn't have to but you did. I think that both Charlie and his aunt appreciate everything you've done for them and you're worrying about nothing." I roll my eyes and try to turn away but he's there - sitting up and forcing me to look at him. "Monty, I'm only giving you my opinion and if you don't want that then I'll just shut up but I'm not here to-"

"I'm sorry, okay? I just don't really know what to think," I cut him off and rub my eyes again. "It's just a…  _ Mess _ in my head. I can't think straight at all."

"Well maybe if you ate and slept... " Winston points out and I smile to myself. Sometimes I forget about that. 

"Yeah… You're right." I card my fingers through my hair again and stifle a yawn. Sleep. That sounds nice. My head turns to the side and I look at him for a couple of seconds. He looks away. 

"Speaking of dads." Winston begins to pick at his food again. I was hoping he wouldn't talk about my dad - I’m ready to tell him to drop it but that's not what he wants to talk about at all. "When would you… I mean. You know I'm close with my dad and I'd like to… tell him about you at some point. Do you think that's something we can do? Soon?"

I nod. "Sure. Whenever you want." And right now I'm too exhausted to think through the situation and pick at it. Winston's dad? I know that he liked me - back when I had status and some talent. Now I'm dating his son. It's not gonna be easy to-

"I'm sure he'll love you. I do, so he'll have no choice," Winston says and chuckles. I wrap my arms around him, pull him away from the plate and closer towards me. 

I can only hope.

***

Charlie's been spending most of the time in his room. I'm worried that this will fuck him up in a way. He lost his dad and now he's thrown into a completely new life. He keeps telling everyone that he's fine with a smile on his face but… what if he just doesn't wanna bother us? 

The door to his room is open, he's sitting on the bed and looking down at his hands. I knock on the door and Charlie looks up. He tries to smile at me, he hasn't said much to me all day. His aunt said that he just hasn't said much since he got the news. 

"How you doing?" I step inside and stuff my hands in my pockets. Charlie shrugs. I know I’m not the best at comforting people but I try my best. At least with Charlie, I know I can speak freely. Winston has his sort of way of getting me to talk - I’m trying to figure out a way to get to Charlie.

He looks down again when I stand opposite him and then slowly, my back slides down the wall and I’m sitting on the floor. “You don’t look too happy,” I observe and he doesn’t even look up or react. I pointed out the obvious? Now what? “Would you like to… tell me what’s wrong?”

Charlie brings a hand up to his blonde hair and tugs his fingers through it. I can see the cogs turning in his brain and I don’t understand why it’s so difficult for him to tell me what the problem is. He appears to be disappointed overall. I thought this was what he wanted.

“Is it the school?” I ask and Charlie looks puzzled. “Is everything okay at school ‘cos if not then we can get you moved and-”

“Everything’s fine at school,” Charlie cuts me off with a small shake of his head like he’s dismissing that thought. Good. I knew he’d fit in. He’s a good kid. But then what’s wrong?

"Er… then why-"

"It sounds stupid but I just thought you were helping because you wanted to adopt me," Charlie then blurts out and he presses his lips together. He speaks again before I get a chance to think. "I don't know. I just thought you wanted to. I liked that idea. Sometimes I thought that when this moment came… you'd tell me that  _ you _ want me and…" Charlie sighs and looks away into the distance. "My aunt's great, I'm really grateful for her but I don't really know her. She's just... "

Silence settles in between us and Charlie starts to pick at his jeans. 

"I did try to adopt you." Charlie looks up with wide eyes. I have to look down, I don't wanna see myself crush the hope in his eyes. I tried my best. I did. I wanted to help as best as I could even if maybe I wasn't the best guy for the job. Maybe I wasn't as ready as I thought I was but I was still prepared to do it. "They wouldn't let me. The system." 

"Oh." I don't look up. The disappointment in his voice is clear. I wanted to even if Anders said it would never happen. The system was against me since the start. 

"Why didn't they?" Charlie asks and when I eventually meet his eye, he doesn't look as disheartened as I thought he'd be. Sometimes I need to realise that he’s sixteen, he's been through a lot and he's not really an innocent child. He can understand things like this. Life gets in the way.

"I've… done things in my past. Wasn't exactly an upstanding citizen." I clear my throat and Charlie looks at me like he's unsure of what to say. He begins to chew on his bottom lip, I flatten my hair down with one movement of my hand. "And I'm a guy. They don't really let single men adopt." I add with a stiff laugh. Certainly not gay men either. I didn't stand a chance. 

"That's… unfair." Charlie decides. Then after a second, he slowly sits down on the floor so that his back is touching the bed and he's still sitting directly opposite me. "I-I it probably doesn't mean much but  _ I  _ think you're a good person," Charlie says shyly and I bite back a smile. "You really helped me out. I know you didn't have to but you did. So thank you."

"For what it's worth, I really did want to adopt you," I say. I guess it just sucks that he has to thank me for this because his own father couldn't be a dad. Because no one else cared enough to ask if everything was okay. "And… even if I can't adopt you. I'm not just gonna vanish. I'll still be around to help out wherever I can."

Maybe I could even try to move him and his aunt to LA. It's a little selfish since they've both settled down here, this is where they have their lives but I'd like it if he was close to me. I could come to all his high school football games. No one ever came to mine.

It's just an idea, they've just gone through something stressful and I don't wanna add to that pile. Maybe in the future… 

It won't hurt to try. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this almost a month ago, sorry for any mistakes i cant bring myself to edit this   
> thank you for reading :)

**Author's Note:**

> i know that not everything is explained, you'll have to wait for the other chapters but id love to hear your theories and thoughts :)


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